


Medical Red Tape

by AkuChibi



Series: Medical Red Tape [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:03:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 63,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2324753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkuChibi/pseuds/AkuChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follows from Mars through to Leviathan DLC, Mass Effect 3. Kaidan has a lot of time to think while in the hospital after Mars. About Saren, the Collectors, and most of all, Shepard and the crew. Did he ruin everything with his doubts and accusations, or is there still a chance to fix their friendship? Or... become even more? Kaidan's never quite sure where he stands with Commander Ryan Shepard, and Shepard isn't making it very easy on him. Maybe they could work through everything if it weren't for the fact Kaidan can't help but have all these doubts despite the fact he swore he would never doubt the man again. Oh, and the war. That's pretty distracting. As if that wasn't bad enough, Shepard seems to be incapable of looking out for himself. That's okay, though - that's what Kaidan's there for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Story is complete at 18 chapters, my first ever dive into a fandom since Supernatural. There's a lot of canon dialogue taken from the game, especially at the beginnings. It goes through some missions completely. This story follows from the aftermath of Mars in ME3, through to the Leviathan DLC. There is a sequel which is also complete, which follows through the Citadel DLC, and a third and final work planned but not yet written. This story contains an eventual slash pairing but no explicit scenes. Enjoy :)

**Medical Red Tape**

Chapter One

 

Being in the hospital gave Kaidan a lot of time to think.

            Not just about the pain and the medical red tape tying him to the bed, but about a lot of things. About Saren and Sovereign, and Shepard and Cerberus, and… well, about Shepard and their friendship, if he could still call it that.

            They used to be inseparable, especially after Ashley’s death. Kaidan always felt guilty about living while she died, but Shepard always did his best to cheer him up. If Kaidan had to blame anyone, blame Shepard or Saren, was Shepard’s usual response. Shepard for making the choice and Saren for making it necessary. Kaidan could never blame Shepard, though. It was tough, being in command, and decisions had to be made. It was… logical to go after Kaidan. After all Shepard had been closer to Kaidan proximity wise, so the decision to backtrack familiar, safe territory was more logical than the decision to fight through uncharted territory. Plus there was the whole bit with the bomb and making sure it went off correctly. All in all, Kaidan supposed it was the right decision, and he didn’t blame Shepard for it, only Saren. Saren’s fault, not Shepard’s.

            Not his fault, either.

            But then a few months later, Shepard was gone. Just… _gone_. No body to be found, only the word of Joker, who witnessed Shepard’s final moments. Kaidan was there just before that, stating he wasn’t leaving the commander behind and was going to stay as long as he did, but Shepard convinced him to get on a shuttle, make sure everyone got out safely while he went after Joker.

            And then Joker returned, and Shepard did not, and Kaidan didn’t know what to do. What could he do, when he was only half of what he once was? True, he hadn’t known Shepard more than a year, but what they went through made them bond more closely than some people managed in decades. They created a strong friendship in days, weeks, months. Such high stakes made you rely on those by your side and Shepard’s faith in Kaidan never wavered. He took Kaidan with him wherever he went. At the time Kaidan had been wary, wondering what the commander had in mind, but that grew to trust rather quickly.

            Kaidan was slow to trust after Jump Zero and Conatix. He believed what he said, that of course not all aliens were like that asshole he regrettably killed, but it was still hard to trust someone. Kaidan tried to be self relient – if he had to rely on someone else, he was doing something wrong. But somehow this was different. This was subtle, the changes, the way he relaxed when Shepard entered a room, the way the two worked so easily and well together.

            Subtle yet complete.

            It almost made him co-dependent, in a way.

            The sudden lack of that constant presence was nearly overwhelming. The pain it caused, the ripple of emotions, of regret and anger and despair… it was powerful and complete, just like their friendship. He didn’t know what to do in the absence of such a strong companionship. It was like learning to walk again, learning to do everything again. Half the time he caught himself looking up when someone entered a room, half expecting it to be Shepard. Or whenever someone called out ‘Commander’, he instinctively looked, intent on relaxing, but that was never the case. It was always the wrong person.

            The crew fell apart after he was gone, too. Kaidan had grown to trust them all, rely on them in their entirety, and yet they disappeared as well. Joker was the first to leave, being grounded after the Normandy fell apart and the crew disbanded. Then Garrus left. Kaidan often wondered if the turian was even still alive, but nothing could kill Garrus. Of course, he never thought anything could take out Shepard, either, especially after surviving Saren and Sovereign together, but it happened nevertheless. When the impossible happened, it was surprisingly hard to keep focus and have… hope.

            Kaidan always looked at the bright side of things, or at least he tried to. He prided himself on the fact he’d managed to overcome a lot in his life, first being labeled as a biotic, a ‘freak of nature’, then surviving Jump Zero where the ‘training’ and ‘breaking’ took priority over everything, even humanity. Was he even human there, or just a test subject, a means to an end? But thoughts about Jump Zero were better left in the past.

            He overcame that and was proud of the fact he could still look at aliens – turians – and not immediately hate them. He believed what he said – there were jerks and saints just like with humans.

            He overcame it, overcame Saren and the threat of the Reapers…

            But this, it was sudden and raw and overwhelming, and there was no bright side.

            He tried to find one. He really did.

            _Shepard’s gone, but… but the crew is mostly all alive._

_Shepard’s gone but… I’m alive._

_Shepard’s gone but… but…_

_Shepard’s gone, but… hey, they have steak here._

_Shepard’s gone, but… I’m promoted._

_Shepard’s gone but… but… but…_

_Shepard’s gone…_

_Shepard’s gone._

There was no bright side. No crew, no commander, no ship… nothing was left of the life he hadn’t known he’d been clinging to so ferociously. He’d do anything to get it back but it was never going to happen. Half the time he just kept wondering when he’d wake up from this nightmare.

            And then the rumors started.

            Shepard was alive, they said.

            _Impossible. We were friends; he would have contacted me, it’s been two years._

            Shepard was alive, working for Cerberus.

            _Impossible; Cerberus cost Shepard a lot in the past, he’d never join them. And if he was alive he’d let me know._

            And then there was Horizon, the day he realized the truth… or so he thought.

            Shepard, alive and well. At first he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, who he was seeing, hearing. Frozen by the Collector’s swarm, he was only freed when Shepard managed to chase the Collectors away, and by then the fight was over and he was left walking in the direction of a man he thought he knew, once knew, used to know, thought he’d always know, wanted to know again, couldn’t know again…

            His mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Mouth on autopilot, he called Shepard a legend and a ghost in the same breath, staring at him. Relief was his first thought as Shepard’s blue eyes focused on his own brown ones. Relief, soothing over those raw wounds where he lost a friend. And then came the anger, burning, igniting those wounds anew because this wasn’t right.

            He all but called the commander a traitor. Did he fake his own death simply to switch sides? He thought maybe the commander was undercover, a secret assignment from the Council or something, but he would have let Kaidan know, right? Kaidan hadn’t been wrong in their friendship – they trusted each other implicitly, he would have let him know somehow, someway, that he was still alive.

            Shepard said he was comatose until a few weeks ago. Kaidan could read the sincerity in his gaze but he couldn’t believe it. Who was dead for two years, then came back like nothing happened, working for the enemy? It didn’t make any sense!

            And Garrus was there, too. Kaidan felt the sharp sting of betrayal at the turian’s presence. How long had Garrus known about this? Was he part of this? Why hadn’t he told Kaidan? Let him know he was okay, let him know Shepard was okay… let him know _something_ …

            Two years and nothing. Two years and _this_.

            And he couldn’t…

            He just couldn’t.

            Like a fool he said things he didn’t really mean. He walked away from a life he thought he knew, thought he wanted back.

            He left Horizon more torn than when he went there. Going back to the Citadel gave him few answers. No one knew what to make of Shepard working for Cerberus, of Cerberus ‘rebuilding’ him. Was it even Shepard? It looked like him, sounded like him, even had the same damn eyes and same facial expressions…

            But there was dead, and then there was _dead_.

            And Shepard was _dead_.

            Joker confirmed it, the Alliance confirmed it…

            Dead, dead, dead.

            Dead is dead is dead.

            So how, then, was he breathing and talking and walking like nothing ever happened.

            If this was a trick it was cruel and elaborate.

            Kaidan could see Cerberus doing that very trick, though. Trick everyone into believing that Shepard worked for them, was still alive, and if Shepard believed in them, why couldn’t anyone else?

            Shepard was a hero in the galaxy’s eyes, after all. Kaidan wouldn’t put it past them.

            But this…

            Anderson gave him few answers and only more questions. Everything was apparently classified. He tried to appeal to the man on a friendly level but only Shepard had managed to actually befriend the man on that level, and Shepard was the topic at hand. If anything, Anderson could have been compromised.

            Hell, Kaidan himself was compromised.

            It didn’t take long to figure out everyone was, really. Tali and Garrus were working with Shepard, as was Joker and Dr. Chakwas. Their old crew was split, divided, and Kaidan didn’t know where he stood, how to get back to solid ground, equal footing.

            Then came word of the Omega 4 Relay. That was where Shepard planned on going. A suicide mission, to save humanity.

            That sounded like Shepard – _his_ Shepard, the _old_ Shepard.

            And normally Kaidan would have been there, but this… it was just… he didn’t know what to do.

            He’d thought he was over the loss. It hurt, it always did when one lost a friend, but even so… it hurt. He wasn’t lying when he said it was like losing a limb. He honestly had to figure out how to live again, in a world where he did not have his friends there with him, have Shepard there with him.

            It was a long and painful process but after two years, he thought he was over it. He thought he was okay, but then the rumors… and then Horizon…

            And now this, and he just didn’t know what to do.

            There was nothing to do, though, as Shepard left for the Omega 4 Relay. He started the suicide mission without Kaidan, without half the crew, and Kaidan had no way of talking to him, of apologizing, of making amends or even attempting to make sense of this horrible situation.

            A part of him was hopeful, as he had been in the past, that Shepard would come out unscathed. Doing the impossible was basically the man’s resume, after all. But after trying to find the bright side in a dark void for so long, it was hard to have the faith to back it up.

            And so he tried to get used to the idea that Shepard was dead, again.

            He tried to prepare himself for the news that, yes, the Collectors were stopped – Shepard, even one controlled by Cerberus, would never leave something unfinished – but the Normandy SR2 was gone, as was Shepard, Garrus, half the crew. Gone. Again, forever, _just get it over with_ …

            But the news never came. Days passed. Weeks.

            Finally word did come, but only in the form that Shepard was arrested and relieved of duty for working with Cerberus and his actions afterward. Kaidan was relieved, angry, confused… too many emotions to count, no way to describe them all, and no way to act on them.

            So he did nothing. After everything, he was surprisingly good at doing nothing. It was easy, to focus on work instead of thinking. Instead of remembering, wondering, regretting…

            But like all things, it ended with a bang.

            Reapers invaded Earth. He saw Shepard before it happened, the first time in a long time. He told himself to stay quiet, but in the end he called out, “Shepard.” And Shepard turned, and the two spoke after what felt like an eternity.

            He meant what he said, then. He was happy to see him.

            But the tentative peace ended. Shepard was retrieved in the chaos that followed but they left Anderson behind. Shepard was full on soldier mode, Commander Shepard instead of the friendly face he used to be.

            They were ordered to Mars. Kaidan still had doubts, though he hated the thought of them. He questioned why Cerberus was there, like Shepard would know. Shepard was, of course, offended by the accusations. James even vouched for him, and finally Kaidan relented.

            “I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you, Kaidan,” Shepard said, narrowing his eyes at him in anger, betrayal, annoyance.

            This was true. There used to be trust, absolute and complete.

            There used to be a lot of things, though, and things were different now. Cerberus stood between them and Kaidan didn’t know how to move past it, move past the harsh words, the doubts, the anger, the-

            “Trust me,” Shepard said.

            “I do, I’m sorry, I just-”

            He was cut off by banging in the vents. Liara appeared and he was, for the moment, forgotten in the background.

            Things escalated quickly, though. He compared Shepard to the husk-like Cerberus operative. Shepard was offended, again.

            “How can you compare me to him?” he demanded.

            Kaidan wasn’t sure. He didn’t mean it, he was just… something. He was something and he didn’t like it, and he wanted things how they used to be.

            But after all the words and doubts… it wouldn’t happen.

            From there, they made it to the archives. A woman, Dr. Eva, downloaded the data and they spent the next few minutes chasing after her. James crashed his shuttle into hers, stopping her from getting away, but she wound up being a robot. She survived the flames and the crash and grabbed him and slammed his head into the shuttle.

            Darkness, complete and encompassing from there.

            He didn’t remember leaving Mars.

            The first thing he remembered was a doctor in his face, smiling at him as he finally woke up.

            His first words were of the mission. How did it go? Was Shepard okay?

            Was the crew?

            He remembered nothing after the hit to the head.

            The doctor assured him Shepard was fine, had been here to see him personally, and that he was currently away on important business. Kaidan could understand that, knew it meant it was classified and the doctor probably didn’t know what his job was at the moment.

            Medical red tape, then.

            So there he lay, in the hospital, looking out the massive window which was one of his walls. The world outside looked peaceful but he knew better. He knew the Reapers were coming, this peace was short-lived, and he didn’t know what to do.

            He was typing before he knew what he was doing.

            A message to Shepard.

            _Hey Shepard,_

_Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. The doctors say I’m still not ready to be released, but I’d really like to see you if you can spare the time._

_Councilor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about whether or not I should accept. Stop by my room at the hospital when you’re on the Citadel. I’d like your advice._

_Thanks,_

_Kaidan._

It was instinct to push send right away, and that was what he did. He often second guessed whatever he wrote so he developed this habit of sending it as soon as it was done, no proof-reading, anything. It was instinct and he regretted it as soon as he hit send, reading it over afterward, but there was little he could do about it now.

            He had no right to ask anything of Shepard, after all. He doubted the man, accused him of horrible things, walked away when he should have stayed…

            He still wasn’t sure why. The hospital gave him time to think, but not time enough to develop the answers he needed. He felt betrayed on Horizon, sure, but why accuse Shepard of such things? And on Mars? Why basically call him a husk himself? What more could Shepard do to prove himself?

            He’d saved humanity by taking out the Collectors. He could have left Kaidan to die on Mars. Instead he not only brought him here to be treated, but came to visit while he was unconscious, to make sure he got the help he needed.

            Doubt was a horrible feeling, but it still gnawed in his gut.

            It wasn’t of Shepard’s loyalty this time… but the why of it.

            Was Shepard being nice to him out of a sense of duty… or friendship?

            Kaidan couldn’t blame him if it was only the former these days. He turned his back on Shepard when the man needed him, let him do a suicide mission alone, walked away when he should have stayed…

            Friendship wasn’t part of this equation anymore.

            He didn’t know how to fix it. Didn’t know if he could, and that just made it so much worse.

            It was like watching the Normandy explode all over again.

 


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

 

He didn’t expect Shepard to come. He fully expected his message to be ignored, or for Shepard to send him a reply stating how he was happy Kaidan was awake but couldn’t make it to the Citadel. Honestly, he was leaning more toward the being ignored option.

            But then out of nowhere, Shepard showed up, right as Udina was leaving from hassling him about becoming a Spectre. The man wanted an answer Kaidan just wasn’t ready to give, not yet at least.

            “Shepard,” Kaidan said, surprised, “hey!” Then, because he didn’t know what to say, “You just missed snack time. Actually, that’s probably a good thing. Thanks for coming.”

            “No problem,” Shepard said, taking a seat next to him, pulling up a chair. “What did Udina want?”

            Kaidan shrugged, then thought better of the movement. “He offered to make me a Spectre.”

            “And?” Shepard asked. “You’re taking it, right?”

            “Well… it’s a big honor,” Kaidan said slowly, watching him. “A huge responsibility. Just need to be sure…”

            “I got you this,” Shepard said, pulling out a bottle of whiskey from somewhere behind him. Kaidan must have been out of it the commander managed to hide it from him.

            “Wow,” Kaidan said, shocked as he accepted the bottle, “thanks, Shepard. That’s really great.”

            “Just a little pick me up,” Shepard said, almost smiling. It was a tone Kaidan used to know very well.

            “Maybe when I’m out, we can crack it open and celebrate,” Kaidan said, trying to keep the hope from his voice because looking at the bright side wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be. He learned that the hard way. After all, right now, they weren’t friends despite how close they used to be, how close he wished they could be again. There was that churning in his stomach again, uneasy and light and confusing all in one. Emotions rolled through him, too quick to decipher, too brief to try.

            He put the bottle aside, silence surrounding them momentarily.

            “I am so ready to get out of here, Shepard,” Kaidan said, changing the topic to something safer. “You can’t tell but I’m tied to this bed by medical red tape. I mean, Doc… Doc says I’m good to go, but then she always finds ‘just one more test’ to run.”

            “You doing okay?” Shepard asked, watching him.

            Kaidan blinked. “My implant got… rattled,” he said honestly. “So the doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It’s really no big deal.”

            Shepard smirked, almost. “Need me to break you out?”

            Humor. It had been a long time since the two joked around. Years.

            It felt… good. Appreciated. Needed.

            Kaidan laughed quietly. “I’ll let you know.”

            “I’m glad you asked me to come,” Shepard said. “It’s good to see you’re going to be okay.”

            “Thanks.”

            Shepard looked down. “You almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see.”

            That was… shocking. Friendly, almost. Like how they used to be.

            “I want you to be straight with me, then,” Kaidan said, watching him. Shepard’s gaze rose, locking onto his. “So, I just want to make sure… after Mars, Horizon… you and me, we’re… good?”

            There was that almost smile again. “We’ve been through hell together,” Shepard said easily. “Had each other’s backs. That kind of bond is hard to break.”

            That was a relief, but yet… it wasn’t… enough? Did he expect more, really?

            “No, not just that,” Kaidan found himself saying, speaking on autopilot. “You were my commander, sure, but you listened, too. We went through Ash’s death together…” It was hard, talking about her… but he found he could only really talk about it with Shepard, because was there when it happened. He was there afterward, through it all, until he was suddenly gone, and now…

            “Yeah,” Shepard said quietly, looking away. “We did.”

            “So what do you say?” Kaidan asked quietly, sighing. “Are we good?”

            “We’re good,” Shepard said, looking at him again. “It was great to have you back on the Normandy.”

            “Thanks.”

            “Feel like we’ve cleared the air?”

            “Yeah,” Kaidan said, but that didn’t feel like enough. He had a lot to apologize for… right? “You know, I’m not sure I’ve been wrong about Cerberus… but I’ve been wrong about you.”

            Shepard watched him momentarily. The silence was… familiar, like before. And yet… different. More intense, maybe?

            “I should let you get back to the Normandy,” Kaidan said, pausing slightly. “Wish I could come with you.”

            That was more than he’d planned on saying, really. He did want to go, but…

            Medical red tape.

            And the doubts…

            “Take care of yourself, Kaidan. We need you at a hundred percent,” Shepard said, and it sounded like he was going to take Kaidan’s out and leave.

            He’d offered it, but it still felt… wrong.

            A part of him didn’t want Shepard to leave. He wasn’t sure if it was because he almost died on Mars and was clinging to companionship, or if it was because this was the first chance they’d really had to talk since Shepard’s ‘death’, or because of something else entirely… he didn’t know…

            “Will do,” Kaidan said. “Thanks for coming.”

            _Thanks for coming. Staying. Being a friend. Forgiving. Just… thanks._

            Shepard got up as though to leave. He made it halfway to the door before he stopped, sighed, and turned around, retaking his seat. Kaidan watched him, frowning.

            “Something else, Shepard?”

            “You’ve been injured… sure you want right back in the thick of it?” Shepard asked.

            Kaidan blinked at the question, at the fact he was still there. “Are you kidding?” He scoffed. “I want to kick the Reapers straight to hell! Cerberus, too.” A pause. “People near death say their lives flash before their eyes… well the future flashed for me. The anguish, the families, the children… Made me determined to live. I need to do something, Shepard… save at least a few lives…”

            Shepard surprised him by talking to him for a while. He asked about a lot of things, about Kaidan’s spec ops program, his students, his family… his biotics.

            Kaidan talked to him about human biotics, how they were different. Freaks, even.

            It was something Shepard always understood, as a vanguard while Kaidan himself was a sentinel. Biotics were a part of them, a part of how they connected at first. People were wary of biotics, of the implants and powers, so when Kaidan learned Shepard had biotics as well…

            Friendship. It was the beginning of the road to friendship, but not the defining factor, not by a long shot.

            “Are we gonna be able to get past what happened on Horizon?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan didn’t know what to say, not really.

            It was what he wanted to talk about, needed to talk about… and yet he wanted to run from this conversation, because he honestly had no idea how to explain, apologize… make amends…

            Things were going so well right now… and now this…

            “I’d like to, Shepard,” he replied honestly. “I’d like to get past the harsh words and be… friends, at least.”

            Where did that come from? ‘At least’? What?

            “So how do we fix it?”

            “I admit, I own a lot of that,” Kaidan said regretfully. “You were standing right in front of me, and I was…” A breath. “I shut you down. I’m sorry.”

            “Okay,” Shepard said.

            Kaidan blinked.

            _Just like that…?_

            “Okay,” he said slowly, watching him. “So let’s put it behind us and get on with what’s important right now.”

            “Bury it?”

            Kaidan nodded. “Bury it. Forgive it… I think that’s how we get past Horizon.”

            _Forgive it. Will you? Bury it?_

            By this point in the conversation, with the worst of his worries behind him, he was feeling pretty damn good. Bright side, right? And the bright side said they could get back to how they used to be, before the doubts and Cerberus. They could get back to being close friends and having each other’s backs.

            It might have been the painkillers and the meds, but he was feeling pretty damn happy right about now. If his face wasn’t so bruised he’d be smiling nonstop.

            “You said your implant got rattled,” Shepard said. “Everything good?”

            “Uh, the medical gibberish is more impressive, but that’s what I took away. Rattled. Found a great doc at HQ who’s fascinated by the L2 implant. I’m kind of her… pet project.”

            He shrugged briefly.

            “The headaches are as bad as ever but she’s got me on a regimen of acupuncture, meds… and some nasty tasting concoction.” Honestly, it was horrible. Damn. “Won’t tell me what it is.”

            _I bet it’s squid or something. Blech._

            “But my biotics are stronger than ever,” he said. “Maybe some things get better with age.”

            He’d been training long enough, after all.

            “Or maybe you have,” Shepard said, and there was that almost smile again.

            Kaidan blinked, unsure how to take that comment. It sounded almost joke-ish yet also sincere. It was probably the meds talking but he spoke on autopilot, damn meds. “Are you… flirting with me, Commander?”

            Wait, what?

            Rewind.

            _What_?

            “Wait, wait!” he said quickly. “Don’t tell me.”

            _Phew, dodged a bullet there, didn’t-_

            “Let me live in the illusion.”

            _Wait, what?! Dammit, mouth, shut up!_

            Shepard didn’t answer, instead got to his feet, smirking. “I should probably get going.”

            _Goddamn it, Kaidan. You and your big stupid, loopy mouth._

            “Thanks for coming by,” he said honestly.

            Shepard nodded. “Take care, Kaidan.”

            And then he was gone. The door closed quietly behind him with that mechanical whir, and Kaidan was alone again.

 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

 

Days passed in a blur. Doctors and nurses rushed around him, fascinated, like he said, by the L2 implant and his biotics and how quickly he was recovering. He was a sentinel, after all – what did they expect?

            The bruises finally vanished after a week or so. Finally, he felt like himself again.

            He hadn’t seen Shepard since he was half loopy on meds and asked if the guy was flirting with him (honestly, what the hell, Kaidan? Damn loopy mouth…). He knew the commander had more important things to do than stick around and talk to him.

            He’d talked to Thane, though, a drell assassin who defeated the Collectors with Shepard. Thane kept him adequate company during his stay here. He had a million stories to tell and was a very interesting person – drell? – to get to know. He often slipped into memories which fascinated Kaidan.

            _Oh, God. Fascinated. I’m sounding like the damn doctors. I need to get out of here, jeez._

            It had been a while since he talked to Shepard and he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be around here, since he was finally getting released soon. Freedom was on the horizon, dammit, and no more medical red tape.

            So he decided, what the hell? And sent Shepard another message.

            _Hey Shepard,_

_Still in the hospital. But I’m up on my feet, eating solid food and making trouble for the nurses. They’ll probably throw me out of here soon._

_Come by if you’re on the Citadel. Same room._

_Thanks,_

_Kaidan._

            Short, simple, to the point. Good enough.

            He hit send and looked up as Thane entered the room.

            It was a routine now, he decided. Around this time every day Thane would come talk to him if neither of them were preoccupied with something. Except now Kaidan wasn’t confined to the damn bed by that damn medical red tape and the two could leave the room.

            They traveled to the lobby area of the hospital, near the elevator, and sat down in the comfortable chairs, looking out the window. From what Thane told him, this was often where he spent a majority of his time, and where he last spoke with Shepard.

            “What’s new today, Thane?”

            “Nothing much,” Thane replied. “How is your health?”

            “Fine,” Kaidan said. He learned not to ask about Thane’s. Thane’s was constantly declining but he was surrounded by medical personnel and had great care, and his son visited regularly so the drell appeared happy enough.

            Neither knew how much longer the former assassin would be around, though. It was a subject they steered clear of for the time being.

            “They’re gonna be kicking me out soon,” Kaidan said.

            “I see,” Thane said. “Where shall we hold our meetings henceforth?”

            “Here’s good,” Kaidan said. “I can come see you for a change of pace.”

            “I _can_ leave the hospital, Kaidan.”

            “Oh.” A pause. “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

            “Here is good for now.”

            “Oh. Okay. What do you want to do today?”

            Sometimes they played cards but Kaidan was pretty horrible at it. Other times they played chess. Thane usually won. Sometimes they just simply talked.

            It was nice, really. The companionship. The friendship. It made the hospital bearable.

            Well, as bearable as hospitals could be, anyway.

            _Damn medical red tape._

            “Did I tell you about the time Shepard confronted Legion about his armor…”

 

 

It was the next day Shepard surprised him again by showing up.

            “Hey, Shepard,” he said, smiling. “If you came to spring me, you’re late. They’re letting me out soon.”

            This was very true. He should be out by the end of today, tomorrow at the latest.

            “Good to hear,” Shepard said.

            “Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted Udina’s offer,” Kaidan said. There was a vid on it but he wasn’t sure if Shepard saw it on the Normandy. It wasn’t that important compared to the war, after all.

            “Spectre Kaidan Alenko,” Shepard said, smiring. “That’s a big deal.”

            “Only the second human spectre,” Kaidan said, shrugging. “It’s humbling. Udina thinks they may have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war.”

            He wasn’t sure what he thought about that or why he was bringing it up. The war was far more important… but sometimes normalcy was good, too.

            “He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto,” he finished.

            “You ready to take on that responsibility?”

            “You set the bar pretty high,” Kaidan said, smiling, “but I’ll do my best.”

            A pause.

            “It’s strange. On Mars… I should have died. The promotion from Anderson, Spectre status… these are terrible days, but I’ve been lucky.”

            He wasn’t sure how that happened. _Him_ , lucky. Of all people.

            “You’re perfect for the job,” Shepard said, reaching out to shake his hand. Kaidan accepted the offer instantly. “On Eden Prime I knew there was something special about you. You’re a good soldier.”

            “That means a lot,” Kaidan said as their arms dropped back to their sides. “I’m happy. I want to serve.”

            “I thought you might want to join the Normandy.”

            Kaidan blinked at the offer. To be back on the Normandy, with the crew, with Shepard… like old times… again…

            It was definitely something he wanted, but he found he couldn’t say yes. Not yet.

            “Yeah… I have thought about that…” He sighed. “I just need to get out of here first, though. Take care of some things.” A shrug. “I’ve been trying to locate my old spec ops squads, my students from Biotics Division.”

            “Any luck?”

            Kaidan shook his head slowly. “No. Probably went underground… but they’ll turn up. If they were easy to find they wouldn’t be doing their jobs.”

            “Well… let me know when you’re out. Take care, Spectre Alenko.”

            “Stay safe, Commander.”

            And then Shepard was gone again, back into the thick of the fray, the war. And Kaidan was still stuck here, in the hospital on the Citadel.

 

Kaidan was released the next day. Free from the medical red tape he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Shepard was gone again, somewhere on some planet far away, fighting against the Reapers. He should have been there with him… wanted to be there with him, watching his back like before, fighting for what he believed in… but right now, he had things to do.

            He still went to talk to Thane like before. The drell seemed to enjoy his company. He always had some interesting stories regarding the crew and their attack on the Collector base. Legion seemed like an interesting… member. Geth. Kaidan still wasn’t sure how that worked out, how could they befriend a geth? After fighting them so long, seeing what they did on Eden Prime… it was hard to imagine ever seeing one and _not_ pulling the trigger.

            Shepard did that, though.

            He always did the impossible.

            Ilos, Omega 4 Relay, befriending geth…

            It was amazing, really. Kaidan was sorry he wasn’t there, though. Sorry he wasn’t there during the suicide mission, sorry he wasn’t there to watch his friend’s back.

            Just sorry.

 


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

 

Something was wrong.

            There was a rumble, from far away. An explosion?

            Subdued by distance and the fact he was inside, but there nevertheless.

            The next few minutes were crucial.

            He gathered the Council and got them away except the Salarian Councilor, who he couldn’t seem to find anywhere. It seemed these intruders, murderers, were after the Council. But why? How? Who?

            Instinct kicked in. He led them away. Needed to get them to safety, could worry about the facts later. Survival first and foremost.

            Soldier mode, then.

            Act, don’t react.

            Do, don’t think.

            Right. Got it.

            He could do this. He was ready. It had been three days since he was freed from the hospital and they wouldn’t have let him out if he wasn’t ready for action.

            The Citadel was crazy at the moment, though.

            Bodies dropped left and right. Kaidan always arrived too late to help anyone, only saw them drop or their bodies already resting on the ground. C-Sec operatives tried to help but got gunned down while Kaidan led the Council toward safety. The only thing he could think of was the elevators, up to safety, a getaway shuttle.

            That was their only chance.

            _Right. Okay. You got this, Spectre Alenko._

_I wish Shepard was here… he’d know what to do…_

_Hey. Stop. He’s not here and you’re all they have so pull it together, Major._

            Right. He took in a breath.

            He could do this.

            He knew how to fight, how to survive. The battle wasn’t the problem, it was the innocent people counting on him. The Council. There was a reason he didn’t like being in command, why he didn’t tell Shepard about his promotion to Major…

            Well, a reason other than the fact they weren’t talking at the time.

            He didn’t want to be in charge. Those hard decisions… he couldn’t do it. If he had to make the choice Shepard did on Virmire… choosing between two of his crew, his teammates, his _friends_ …

            He couldn’t do it. He felt sick just thinking about it.

            And that was why he hated this, didn’t want to be in charge.

            But he was right now. These people were counting on him and he couldn’t, wouldn’t, let them down. He’d get them to safety.

            _At any cost_.

            He squared his shoulders, ground his jaw and pushed forward, leading the way toward the elevators. Anyone who got in his way would be sorry.

 

 

Finally. Safety. In the elevator. He could breathe again, relax a little. At least for the elevator ride, they were safe. After it stopped was another matter entirely, but in this moment, it was okay. He looked over the Council members around him, watching him, waiting for his next orders, depending on him…

            _How does Shepard do this stuff? All the time?_

            Everyone looked up to Shepard. Hell, _he_ looked up to Shepard. How could he not? The man was… incredible. Launched and lived through a suicide mission, stopped Saren, stopped the Collectors, and was now going to stop the Reapers. Kaidan had faith, if nothing else, that Shepard would finish them off. If anyone could, it was him. He’d find a way. If he didn’t then he’d make one up, but the job would get done.

            He admired that about him. He made it look so damn _easy_.

            But it wasn’t easy. It was _hard_. Hard, having people count on you for their very survival. Hard, knowing you hold countless lives in your hands and every decision you make, every word you speak, could save them or kill them…

            His mind spun. He blinked, cleared those thoughts away. Soldier mode now, not normal mode. Not Kaidan. Major Alenko only.

            Something landed on top of the elevator. He looked up and fired at the ceiling but his bullets didn’t connect with anything. There was movement, though. Someone was definitely on top of the elevator. More than one of them, it sounded like.

            “Go!” he said to the Council members when the elevator stopped and the door opened. They all piled out and he kept looking back but no one followed. Finally he rounded a corner and closed the door behind them, heading toward the…

            The shuttle was in flames.

            “Everyone back to the elevator - move!” Kaidan said, turning to find familiar blue eyes watching him. He blinked, confused, relieved, doubtful… all in one. He said he wanted Shepard here, and here he was, right in front of him, with his gun raised… aimed at… someone behind him…

            Kaidan’s eyes narrowed.

            Was Shepard here to kill a member of the Council? But… what?

            “Shepard, what’s going on?” Kaidan asked, watching the commander, his friend, the gun still trained at… Udina? Why?

            “Shepard’s blocking our escape!” Udina said. “He’s with Cerberus!”

            _Cerberus_.

            Evil, bad, wrong…

            Shepard used to work for them.

            But… no.

            Shepard wasn’t like that. He wasn’t _with_ Cerberus, he’d only used them to save people, then left them as soon as that was over. He even let himself be arrested. He’d killed many Cerberus operatives. This wasn’t… right…

            “Just… hang on, I got this,” Kaidan almost growled. “Everyone calm down.”

            Shepard’s gun lowered somewhat, blue eyes watching him closely. “I can explain this, Kaidan.”

            That tone. He knew that tone. Sincere, apologetic… _desperate_? What?

            “Come on, Shepard,” Kaidan said quietly, chewing on his lower lip. “Gun drawn on a councilor? Kinda looks bad.”

            To his shock Garrus was raising his gun, aiming it at _him_. Or was it Udina? Udina was right behind him. Garru was serious, as was James, who stood on Shepard’s other side. Both had their guns up, aimed and ready.

            Shepard let his gun drop down, aim forgotten. He gestured for the others to do the same, and Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

            “We don’t have time to negotiate,” Shepard said, stepping forward somewhat. “You’ve been fooled – all of you! Udina’s behind this attack. The Salarian Councilor confirmed it!”

            _What_?

            Kaidan couldn’t understand. Udina was responsible for all the death Kaidan saw today? All the running, the fighting, the dying… trying to keep the Council safe, having to be in charge… this was Udina’s doing? But why? It made no sense! Surely it wasn’t right, because he trusted Udina. Right? The man was always nice to him, made him a Spectre, let Kaidan lead him to safety…

            “Please,” Udina all but scoffed, “you have no proof. You never do.”

            Kaidan almost growled at that. He remembered being on Shepard’s side, having everyone doubt his every move and decision, refusing to see the truth. He could see the rush of emotion behind Shepard’s eyes, too quick to decipher but definitely there, a ripple against the calm façade.

            “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us,” Shepard said, gesturing behind him. “If you open that door, they’ll kill you all.”

            “We have mistrusted Shepard in the past,” said the Asari Councilor, “and it did _not_ help us.”

            Udina spun around. “We don’t have time to debate this! We’re dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.”

            The guns came back up, Shepard and his squad aiming at the man. Kaidan brought his own gun back up instinctively, standing the way, staring down the barrel of his…

            _Commander friend comrade family more_ …

            Staring down the barrel.

            _He’ll shoot me,_ he decided, swallowing. _He never leaves anything unfinished. If I don’t back down… but… what if he’s wrong… what if Udina’s right… What if it’s Cerberus…_

            Doubts, again?

            _What if…_

            Blue eyes watched him, unknown emotion behind them.

            Kaidan swallowed, sighed, lowered his weapon.

            “I better not regret this,” he said.

            Shepard’s weapon dropped. “You won’t.”

            The commander stepped toward him and together, they turned toward Udina.

            “Udina,” Kaidan said, “step away from the console.”

            _We can sort all of this out later. Yeah. See who was lying then, but right now… keep the peace. Don’t be lying, Shepard._

            If he was lying…

            If he _wasn’t_ lying…

            Either way, it hurt. If he was lying Kaidan felt betrayed. If he wasn’t lying, then Kaidan was doing the betraying by doubting him _again_. He really needed to stop that and just _trust_ the commander, and he _swore_ , with everything he had and everything he was, if Shepard wound up being right about this, he would _never_ doubt the man again.

            _Ever_.

            “To hell with this,” Udina said, working away at the console, beginning to open the doors.

            Now both Kaidan and Shepard were aiming their weapons at the councilor.

            The Asari Councilor moved toward Udina, put a hand on his shoulder. Udina responded violently, shoving her away with enough force to knock her to the ground, where she landed on her back.

            Next thing Kaidan knew, there was a gun aimed at the Asari Councilor, held firm in Udina’s grip, and his mind blanked momentarily.

            _Shepard’s right._

            He pulled the trigger.

            Udina dropped to the ground, dead. The Asari Councilor scrambled to her feet.

            Shepard stepped up behind him. The presence was warm, familiar. Comforting. Appreciated, wanted.

            _Right_.

            “Kaidan.”

            “I’m okay,” Kaidan said quietly. He did what he had to do. Udina had a gun, was going to shoot the councilor. He had to take him out.

            Shepard looked skeptical but it was shortlived as the doors did finally open, revealing-

            “Commander Bailey?”

            Kaidan was confused now. Didn’t Shepard say there were Cerberus troops waiting for them? Coming for them? Did he shoot Udina for nothing? Maybe Udina was just under stress, or-

            “Shepard saved the lot of ya,” Bailey said, nodding at the commander.

            Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

            _Never again,_ he vowed.

            He wouldn’t doubt Shepard ever again, dammit.

            He was wrong every time he did so.

            He needed to trust Shepard, needed to be with him completely, not against him whenever they disagreed on something. Sure, he’d been confused, but this…

            It almost went too far. What if he hadn’t backed down?

            Udina was still bad. He’d have to be taken out. Shepard knew this.

            Any good soldier would do the job no matter what it took.

            If that meant taking out Kaidan beforehand…

            Would Shepard have done it?

 

 

He didn’t get a chance to talk to Shepard after that. Shepard was talking with Bailey for a while, trying to restore order. Apparently someone tried to assassinate the Salarian Councilor? They didn’t manage to do so, though, because Shepard intervened, along with Thane. According to Shepard, Thane was almost killed by the assassin’s blade. Thankfully Shepard began firing at the assassin as Thane ran forward. The guy had no choice but to break off and run away. Thane was tired from moving and fighting but otherwise okay.

            Good. Too many good people died today.

            More _could have_ died today.

            If Shepard hadn’t stopped it…

            The door to the shuttle bay of the Normandy whirred to life, opening to reveal Shepard entering. The commander’s gaze was downcast but he looked up before he bumped into Kaidan, smiling at him.

            “Kaidan. Hey. I wondered where you went. What’s up?”

            Kaidan sighed, leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest. “I’m trying to wrap my head around what just happened.”

            “You sound angry.”

            “No, just… not used to staring down the gun of… someone I’ve worked with so closely,” he said, finding the words as he watched Shepard. “How it all went down, it’s got me… I don’t know…”

            “Okay,” Shepard said slowly. “Talk to me. Let’s have it.”

            “If I hadn’t backed down first…” Kaidan said slowly, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth, “I feel like you would have taken me out.”

            _Would you have shot me, Shepard? Killed me to save the Council?_

            The correct answer should have been _yes_. Success, no matter the cost, right? What’s one life versus the whole of the Council?

            “I trusted you,” Shepard said quietly, watching him. “I knew you’d come around. That’s all that matters.”

            It was pleasing to hear those words though he wasn’t entirely sure _why_. Before he blamed those odd sensations and feelings on the craziness of those meds he was on, but now… now he couldn’t blame those. He could blame the situation, he guess, but that didn’t seem very helpful, either.

            Shepard trusted him.

            Shepard shrugged. “The main thing is we stopped the Coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel.”

            “But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard…”

            And they spoke of integrity. Fighting with it. Acting on it.

            Shepard didn’t blame Kaidan for shooting Udina, didn’t question his decision, his action. Instead he accepted it, embraced it, said he would have done it had Kaidan not done it. He even admitted that for a second, he thought it was his own gun going off because he was aiming at the councilor, too.

            Kaidan fired first but Shepard would have had he not.

            Either way Udina was dead and the Council was safe.

            The Coup failed.

            And Shepard trusted him.

            That just left one thing, then.

            “Look, Shepard, there’s, uh… there’s another reason I’m here,” he said quietly. “Hackett offered me a position, but I’d turn it down in a _second_ if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again.”

            Shepard smiled. “Couldn’t imagine meeting the Reapers without you.”

            Kaidan chuckled. “Thank you, Commander.” He reached out to shake the man’s hand. “And Shepard…” A breath while they shook hands, then their arms fell back to their sides while he tried to find the words. “I need you to know I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”

            Shepard smirked. “Good to know. Welcome aboard, Major.”

            Kaidan smiled and saluted. “Aye, aye, sir.”

            “Whoa, no need to go all formal on me,” Shepard said with a chuckle, shaking his head.

            Kaidan dropped the salute. “Too much?”

            “A little.”

            “I’m out of practice.”

            “Obviously. We’ll work on it.”

            “Oh?”

            The two began to walk into the Normandy.

            “Affirmative, Major.”

            “Now who’s formal.”

            “Don’t sass your CO.”

            “Can I sass my friend?”

            Shepard smiled and clapped him on the shoulder with a warm, open hand. “I’ll allow it.”

                Finally, it felt like home.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

 

Things went smoothly the next few days. They were on their way back toward Tuchanka, something about a bomb they needed to disable. That was not their area of expertise, of course, even though Shepard did disable a bomb back when they were hunting Saren. A war criminal thought it the best course of action, the best way to rise in the ranks of his pirate people, to kill the first human Spectre. It was crazy but Shepard handled that pretty well. That did not make him an expert in bombs, however. Kaidan didn’t like this situation at all.

            He hadn’t had a chance to really talk to Shepard about anything yet. About the Collectors, the geth, Legion… anything of it. There was surprisingly little time to talk, but then again… maybe not so surprising, considering the war.

            Kaidan just kept expecting it to be like before, when they were chasing down Saren. It seemed like he and the commander talked all the time, about anything and everything. Now, though… he mostly hung out in the Observation Room. He liked looking out at the peaceful void of space, the stars and everything. It was still hard, seeing how peaceful it looked now and knowing that Earth was a hellhole at the moment, knowing that a lot of places were hellholes now.

            Like he said to Shepard, he wanted to be out there fighting but he also wanted to be here, too. He wasn’t sure what he was saying at the time, or why, but Shepard seemed to understand. They spoke for a while, about Kaidan’s parents, his father being MIA and how he planned on taking his mom off world once this war was over, about his students and everything.

            They talked like old times.

            It was like nothing had ever changed between them even though a lot had.

            In the end, though, he thought their friendship might have been stronger now than it was before. Sure, chasing down Saren was hard, but losing a friend and then regaining them makes one appreciate them all the more. Kaidan did not wish to return to that dark void of loneliness he felt when he thought Shepard was dead for those two years.

            The crew fell apart. Everything changed. He was alone.

            He used to like being alone. Once upon a time he never had a friend. There was a girl at Jump Zero he was friends with but she was a gentle soul and wouldn’t talk to him after he killed that asshole turian. As he once told Shepard, he wasn’t sorry the guy was dead, but he _was_ sorry he killed him.

            He used to like being alone, after Jump Zero. No one judged him when he was alone. It was just him and his thoughts, taking on the world, biotics and all. He was accepted and wanted when he was alone. But then Shepard decided to talk to him and that was it. A connection was formed, and their friendship was sudden and brief but complete and overwhelming, leaving him stranded in a sea of uncertainty when it was ended so suddenly.

            So it was nice to be back on the Normandy, where he wasn’t alone. Garrus was there, as was Joker and Dr. Chakwas, and now EDI (scared the hell out of him when he first saw her, thanks for _nothing_ , Shepard, why didn’t you warn him) and Liara and they were going to get Tali after this bomb situation was over…

            It was the group again.

            United in their cause, strong in their friendship.

            Except it was different now. Kaidan still felt almost like an outsider. He wasn’t there when they attacked the Collectors. Neither was Liara, but he felt she belonged more than he did at the moment. She had information to give, contributed as much as she could, never doubted Shepard…

            And yet Kaidan had nothing but doubts. Not anymore, though. No. He was going to keep his promise.

            If doubts arose again, he would push them aside. He trusted Shepard.

            He wouldn’t question him again.

            This was a second chance at a life he thought he lost, and he wouldn’t blow it this time.

 

Finally they arrived on Tuchanka. The crew assembled in the shuttle bay, getting their weapons and armor while Shepard picked his squad, the two who would accompany him.

            Kaidan didn’t expect to be picked. He probably had to earn the right to join him on ground missions again, because while they were able to become friends again and get past Horizon and the doubts, that didn’t mean he was entitled to go on this mission.

            Shepard surprised him by picking him and Garrus, just like old times. Kaidan blinked, shocked, and Shepard just smirked at him.

            “Can’t let you just sit here and get all soft on me,” he said with a shrug, and Kaidan laughed.

            “Yeah, I guess not.”

            He was happy for this chance to prove himself, prove he did trust Shepard, could fight alongside him like before… he wouldn’t ruin it.

            No more doubts, right?

            “After this, we’ll go back to the Citadel for supplies,” Shepard said, eying their lack of equipment. Kaidan nodded. He knew they’d been meaning to get some but then the Coup happened and everything with Udina… it just complicated things. Supplies were needed, though, as was time off the ship.

            Not everyone was as used to and familiar with the ships as Shepard and Kaidan, after all. Except maybe Joker. The man hated being off his ‘baby’, even for an hour. Others, though, were climbing up the walls because they were stuck her all hours of the day, every day. Liara, while familiar with ships, didn’t enjoy being cooped up for very long. Garrus himself didn’t like it much either, though he never seemed to really complain. It was just something Kaidan noticed in his body language.

            Body language was something he’d had a while to study. It was boring at the hospital, after all. Often he looked through the windows into the hallway, watching people. Most were simply going about their daily jobs, hustling back and forth between patients, but some seemed troubled. They walked a little slower, hesitated before opening doors, stood there checking their charts for several minutes…

            The pressure of lives counting on them, on their decisions.

            Again he wondered how they did it. How Shepard did it.

            Because he couldn’t.

            He wasn’t a leader, after all.

            He was just… Kaidan. Especially on the Normandy. Maybe that was why it felt so great to be back here, under Shepard’s command like old times. Here he wasn’t Major Alenko. He wasn’t even Spectre Alenko, he was just simply Kaidan, a member of the crew with a part to play.

            He hadn’t realized how much he missed simply being _Kaidan_ and not something else.

            Garrus and Shepard were waiting for him at the shuttle. Another man stood next to them, with dark skin and blue eyes.

            “I don’t think you two have been introduced,” Shepard said. “Steve Cortez, this is Kaidan Alenko. Kaidan, Steve. He’s our shuttle pilot and is pretty damn good at what he does.”

            “I try,” Cortez replied, smiling as he reached a hand out. Kaidan accepted it and they shook hands. “Nice to meet you, Major Alenko.”

            “Kaidan,” he said. “And likewise, Steve.”

            “Alright, people, we have a bomb to deal with,” Shepard said, gesturing for them to climb into the shuttle.

 

They were in the shuttle, on the way to the location of the bomb when Viktus, the son of the new primarch, contacted them. According to him it wasn’t a Cerberus bomb like originally planned, but a turian one, placed there after the Genophage, as a ‘just in case’ scenario. Kaidan couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

            “Insurance against further Krogan aggression,” Kaidan said, frowning as he glanced at the commander, who stood next to him, looking at the vid screen.

            “You won’t earn trust with tactics like that,” Shepard said, “but right now we focus on disarming that bomb.”

            Cerberus wanted to detonate the bomb. They needed to stop them.

            Always Cerberus. Everywhere they went. It was always like they were one step behind.

            They landed in a battle zone. There were a lot of explosions and gunfire, but somehow they pressed forward and made it into the building. They continued moving forward, focused on their job of disabling this bomb before a lot of innocent krogan were killed and it caused a rift in their already fragile alliance.

            Finally they came up to a ramp, where they could see the bomb. It was massive and had been dug up by Cerberus.

            “Must have been far enough underground to stay hidden,” Shepard commented. “Cerberus had to dig it up.”

            “I hope Viktus knows what he’s doing,” Garrus said. “We won’t get a second chance.”

            “Commander,” Viktus said through their comm link, “entering the bomb site. Heading toward the control station.”

            “Roger that,” Shepard said. “On our way.”

            Then he moved toward the latter on the far wall, and they kept moving forward.

            “Cerberus will be back to stop us,” Kaidan said worriedly as they kept going.

            “You’re right,” Garrus said with a sigh. “This is gonna be a fight. And all because of my people… dammit.”

            Kaidan felt for him, wanted to tell him not to blame himself, but there wasn’t time to do so. They had to hurry.

            “Cerberus is way ahead of us, Commander,” he said as they rounded another corner, killing Cerberus troops wherever they saw them.

            “We’re close,” Shepard said, “c’mon!”

            Down a latter they went, right next to the bomb.

            “I’m at the control panel, Commander,” Viktus said as they approached. “Cerberus set up a firewall around the trigger mechanism to slow us down. I need to create a bypass, that will take time. But like you said… no trigger, no explosion.”

            Finally they reached the turians, coming up behind Viktus.

            “We’ll make sure you have the time you need, Lieutenant,” Shepard said confidently.

            “Understood,” Viktus said. “Starting bypass. And…” The turian looked back at him briefly. “Thank you for making sure I get this chance.”

            “Just make it right, soldier,” Shepard said, nodding at him.

            Suddenly one of the turians around them dropped, blood splattering in the air. A sniper! They quickly ran for cover while the other turian, the last one with Viktus, went to check on his downed teammate. Kaidan wanted to tell him to get to cover but it was too late. The turian was shot and killed in the time it took to blink, no way to warn him, no way to help.

            Just death.

            “Look out!” Kaidan growled, hoping no one else did anything stupid like that. They’d worked together enough, in enough bad situations, that he would personally kick their ass if they even thought about leaving cover. They needed a plan, though. They were sitting ducks here. “Commander?”

            “Focus on the bomb,” Shepard said, vaulting over his cover, much to Kaidan’s chagrin. “We’ll handle Cerberus.”

            Kaidan and Garrus followed after him, dropping down a step onto solid, equal ground, with a lot of cover around them in the form of debris. Shepard had Kaidan hold the left while Garrus held the right, and the commander went back and forth between them, aiding when necessary, the last line of defense before the enemy got to Viktus.

            So many troops, and then a damn atlas. Once that was taken care of, Viktus told them he was overriding the bypass.

            _Finally. Running out of ammo._

            Not only that but he was fairly exhausted. Using biotics again after so long of not using them, of being in the hospital… and now this, it was very intense but he was grateful for the opportunity. He would enjoy a break, though, if these troops ever backed off.

            Another shuttle landed off on Garrus’ side.

            _Dammit. How many of these guys are there? Did Cerberus breed them like rabbits when we weren’t looking?_

            That was a horrible thought. Blech. No way, not thinking about it.

            There was just so many…

            “Commander!” Viktus finally called out. “Firewall’s down, I’m in!”

            Shepard, Kaidan and Garrus began falling back somewhat.

            “Spirits!” Viktus growled.

            _That can’t be good._

            “Cerberus hacked the trigger mechanism!”

            _Nope. Definitely not good! What now?_

            “It’s set to detonate!”

            “Disarm it!” Shepard growled back, looking around for any more troops.

            “No time!” Viktus called back, and a chill crawled down Kaidan’s spine.

            _No time to disarm it, Cerberus troops all around us… is this how it ends?_

            No. It couldn’t be how it ended. They’d been through so much and they still had to defeat the Reapers! A lot of people – everyone – was counting on them, they couldn’t fail like this!

            He looked at Shepard. The man always had a plan, some way out of any nasty situation.

            “I have to separate the trigger from the bomb, now!” Viktus said as Shepard backpeddeled toward him, literally at his back now. “Cover me!”

            Shepard nodded – as if he would do anything else.

            Kaidan focused on the incoming troops as Viktus climbed up the tower. The next few seconds were nothing but a haze of bullets whizzing past his face, both the enemy’s bullets and Shepard’s bullets, protecting him.

            Everyone had to be running out of ammo.

            It was only a matter of time.

            _If that bomb goes off we’re dead anyway. Shoot!_

            There was the whirring sound behind him, somewhere on the bomb. He hoped Viktus knew what he was doing, was fixing this and they weren’t all going to die here and now, along with a lot of innocent krogan. They’d never win the war this way.

            “Lieutenant!” Shepard called out, causing Kaidan to look back.

            The turian was hanging off the side of the bomb. “Victory,” he said quietly, “at any cost.” He began pulling parts from the machine, and then everything gave way around him and he fell.

            There was an explosion as he fell but he did what he set out to do – the bomb didn’t detonate. They were still alive.

            There was still hope.

            Shepard looked down at the explosion, shaking his head.

            “Let’s get out of here.”

           

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was mostly silent save for toward the end when Shepard and Garrus talked about Viktus and his sacrifice. As soon as they returned to the Normandy Shepard stormed off toward the elevator. He was gone before Kaidan could open his mouth.

            He understood, though. Shepard had a lot to say to Hackett and everyone else. He needed to keep them in the loop, after all. Otherwise they were all running blind and that was no way to win a war.

            And this war needed to be won, no matter the cost.

            Kaidan returned to his room, or what he’d claimed as his room, and sat down on the couch with a sigh, looking out the window at the stars off in the distance. The door behind him whirred open and he looked to see Garrus entering the room.

            “Garrus,” he said, surprised, “hey.”

            “Hey,” Garrus replied. “Just thought we could talk. It’s been a while, Kaidan.”

            Kaidan smiled and nodded. “Too long,” he agreed, gesturing next to him on the couch. “Sit.”

            Garrus strolled over and did exactly that. “It’s a nice view,” he said, looking out the window, and Kaidan nodded.

            “It’s peaceful.”

            “Yeah, it is. How have you been doing?”

            “Me?”

            “Yes. We haven’t talked since…”

            Kaidan nodded. He remembered. “Since the destruction of the first Normandy.”

            When Shepard died, or whatever happened to him. When the crew fell apart and Garrus vanished without a word.

            “I regret leaving like I did,” Garrus said quietly. “I should have told you. Told everyone. I just needed to get away from everything for a bit, and by the time I realized it, it had been too long to suddenly contact you again.”

            “I would have appreciated it, still.”

            “I know. I apologize. Then we were going after the Collectors and there wasn’t time to talk, and then the Reapers attacked… I feel like it’s been years since I just… talked to anyone.” A shrug. “Maybe that’s why I sent Shepard that message.”

            That was mostly said to himself, but Kaidan grew curious. “What message?”

            Garrus blinked, frowning. “Oh, did I say that out loud? I sent him a message asking him if we could take a break next time we were on the Citadel, get some R&R and maybe get into a little trouble.” He shrugged. “It’s been a while since either of us relaxed.”

            Kaidan nodded. “Does he usually do what you ask, in the messages?”

            “I don’t know, this is the first I’ve done so. Traynor said she asked for a game of chess in his cabin and he accepted her offer, and he met with Joker and EDI in the Presidium. From what I’ve heard, a lot of the crew have been sending him similar messages, to hang out as… friends.”

            Kaidan smiled. “Yeah… that would be nice.”

            To hang out as friends again.

            “Maybe you should send him one yourself.”

            “Maybe,” Kaidan said, shrugging. “But right now it seems everyone has a lot on their plate.”

            “Yes, well. Don’t wait too long – never know what’s waiting around the corner.”

            With that, Garrus stood, nodded his farewell, and left the room.

 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

 

_Hey Shepard,_

_Garrus said you’re trying to relax._

_Thane and I played cards a lot. He said you were a fan. I’ll bring the beer if you want to play some in your cabin?_

He read it over twice before sending it with a sigh. It was as good as it was going to get, and it was all he could hope for, really. He was honestly more than a little nervous about what his response would be – _no; why; okay; fuck you_ …

            They were friends, right? Friends hung out. They used to do it all the time, whenever they were able to do so, back when they were hunting Saren. Shepard once said that if they didn’t take the time to stop, breathe and be ‘human’, then they’d already lost what they were fighting so hard to keep.

            He hoped those words still rung true now.

            _Ding._

            He blinked at his laptop, at the speedy response, and opened the message.

            _Sounds good, Kaidan. Give me an hour._

_Shepard._

            He didn’t realize he was smiling until his jaw muscles began to ache.

 

It was natural to be nervous when hanging out with a friend you hadn’t really talked to since… well, since they died. Completely natural. Why, then, was his stomach in knots? Nerves, he figured, but it seemed like it was more than that.

            Shepard accepted his offer, so there wasn’t anything to worry about, right? He wouldn’t have said yes otherwise.

            He held the whiskey, the bottle Shepard brought him in the hospital, tightly in his left hand as he rode the elevator up to the Captain’s Cabin. IT hadn’t been the ‘captain’s’ cabin in years, though. Always Shepard’s, who for some reason was never promoted, despite all his accomplishments. Kaidan had been truly shocked to find out he’d been arrested and relieved of duty for allying himself with Cerberus, despite the fact it got the job done. From what he’d seen of the Council and the Spectres, that was part of the job description – ends justified the means in their eyes, so why judge Shepard so harshly?

            Strange, coming from him. Strange, considering he probably judged the most harshly.

            He stood outside the door, hesitating. Should he go in as planned and spend some time with the commander as his friend, or should he return back to deck three? Either option left him equally nervous.

            _Quit it. It’s the commander. You’re friends. Go in and stop being a baby, Major._

            He sighed and knocked on the door.

            “It’s open,” Shepard called from inside, and he stepped forward, into the cabin.

            It was bigger than he remembered from the first Normandy. One wall was pretty much a giant fish tank but there were no fish in it at the moment. Perhaps it was just decoration and not actually a fish tank, he didn’t know.

            Shepard appeared from the restroom, rubbing a towel against his face, steam trailing after him. Clearly he’d just taken a shower. Kaidan almost felt like he was intruding and a part of him wanted to leave while another, much larger part demanded that he stay.

            So he didn’t move, only smiled at the man. “Hey, Commander.”

            Shepard scowled. “I think we’ve known each other long enough to stop with the formalities, Major.”

            “Right. Sorry. Shepard.”

            Shepard smirked at him, tossing the towel aside. “You know, you guys keep calling me that. All the time. I’m starting to forget my first name.”

            Kaidan blinked. “Oh, um… sorry, Ryan.”

            It felt odd, using the commander’s first name. Mostly because no one ever used it, and also because it felt a little too personal. They were friends again, but even before, he’d never called the man Ryan. It was always Shepard, or Commander. Never anything so informal, and now he wasn’t sure what to think of it. It felt… odd, yes, but also right, too, in a way. Like they really were past all that had happened between them, all the doubts, past Cerberus, past Horizon, past everything.

            “Again.”

            “Um… Ryan?”

            Shepard grinned. “Finally! You know, I’ve been trying to get everyone to say my name but they’re all like ‘no, Shepard, that is disrespectful to you and all you stand for’ and blah blah blah.” He shook his head, chuckling. “It’s nice to be treated like a person again.”

            “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize-”

            “Don’t apologize, Kaidan. C’mon. Don’t bail on me now, I don’t always want to be ‘Commander Shepard’.”

            Kaidan cocked his head to the side curiously. He never knew Shepard had a problem with people calling him that. It was what everyone called him – the Council, the Alliance, Cerberus… It was just who he was.

            Except maybe, just like he didn’t always like being ‘Major Alenko’ or ‘Spectre Alenko’, Shepard didn’t always like being ‘Commander’. There was a person behind the name, and it seemed a lot of people forgot about that part of him. The man was a living legend – it must have been lonely, and hard, having to be formal and right all the time.

            “So you’re telling me to call you Ryan from now on,” Kaidan said. “Just so we’re clear.”

            “Not all the time, the crew wouldn’t know who you were talking about,” Shepard said, chuckling, but there was a dull light behind his eyes, a truth behind those words. “But occasionally… it would be nice.”

            “Okay then. I can do that, Ryan.”

            Shepard smiled. “Thanks. So, what was this about cards?” He gestured at the table off to the side of the bed. “And is that the whiskey I got you?”

            Kaidan smirked. “Sure is. Care to crack it open?”

            “I’m honestly surprised you haven’t devoured it yet.”

            “I thought about it,” Kaidan admitted. “When I got released from the hospital. But it didn’t… seem like the time.”

            He said he would share it with Shepard, after all, and that was what he planned to do.

            “Well, let’s open that baby up.”

            Kaidan grinned and did just that as he sat down. Shot glasses were placed on the table as Shepard sat cross from him. They drank their first shot and Shepard pulled out the deck of cards.

            “What are you in the mood for?”

            “Whatever is fine, I guess. I’m not very good at poker.”

            “Good, I don’t need more of my crew caught up in that,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “James is bad enough and now he’s stealing Joker’s shirts in their games. It’s ridiculous. I’m pretty horrible at cards. But I challenge you to a game.” He leaned forward somewhat, eyes narrowed intensely, and Kaidan swallowed, wondering what this challenge was going to be.

            “To what?”

            “I challenge you… to a game of Go Fish.”

            A pause, and then Kaidan burst out laughing because Shepard still looked so serious. Finally the commander cracked a smile and leaned back, satisfied.

            “Feels good to laugh, huh?”

            Kaidan blinked. “Yes. It does, actually.”

            “Yeah. Anyway, do you accept my challenge, Major?”

            “I’m gonna whoop your ass, Commander.”

            “It’s not nice to threaten your CO.”

            “Not threatening my CO,” Kaidan said. “Threatening my friend.”

            Shepard laughed and dealt out the cards.

 

Hours passed. Kaidan honestly couldn’t remember having more fun playing Go Fish, a simple game he stopped playing when he was a kid. But they didn’t just play the game, they talked while they did so, and that was what he liked.

            Shepard talked about waking up when the Cerberus base he was on was under attack. He told him about meeting Miranda and Jacob, and learning he was brought back by the Illusive Man.

            “I never trusted him,” Shepard said, frowning as he dealt a new hand. “But at the time, I didn’t know where any of you were. All they’d tell me about you was that it was classified and you were off on some mission. Same with Liara, and no one knew where Garrus was at the time. I ran into Tali shortly after I woke up but she was busy with the Fleet and couldn’t come with me at the time. So I had to work with them if I wanted answers, if I wanted to do anything about the disappearances.”

            Kaidan nodded. It made sense. “So you used Cerberus.”

            “Yeah. Kind of. I didn’t want to work for them. I didn’t like Cerberus. Hell, no one does, not really. But Miranda was all about Cerberus, right? Because they hired her, gave her whatever she wanted, whatever resources she needed… protected her and her sister from her father.” He shrugged. “Jacob just liked helping people. He said the Alliance wasn’t doing anything, and Cerberus was the only one trying to stop the disappearances from happening.”

            “We were trying to stop it,” Kaidan said quietly. “We just… A lot of people weren’t on our side. After you… well, after the Normandy exploded, everything kind of fell apart.”

            Shepard nodded. “I understand. It was a mess. I get it. I don’t like it, but I can understand it. Got any threes?”

            “Go fish,” Kaidan replied.

            “Dammit.” Shepard drew another card. “How did you like being a teacher?”

            Kaidan shrugged. “I didn’t think I was cut out for it but Anderson wouldn’t take no for an answer. It eventually grew on me, I guess. Got any fours?”

            Shepard scowled and handed over a four. “Some people don’t know they’re good teachers until they try it. Jack’s an instructor for biotics, did I tell you that?”

            “The ‘psychotic biotic’, right?”

            The commander smiled. “Yes. Her. Anyway, she’d probably never admit it but she loves those kids. I think they’ve helped her as much as she helped them. Got any sevens?”

            Kaidan handed over two of them.

            This continued for at least another hour, and they went through a variety of topics. Kaidan felt closer to the commander than he had in a long time, maybe ever. They’d talked and hung out a bit before, but this felt different. More sincere, more intense, more… just _more_. It was… nice, in a way.

            _Right_.

            They finished the whiskey and it was pretty late, so Kaidan regretfully got to his feet, staggering somewhat. Shepard stood with him, putting the cards away.

            “This was fun,” Shepard said as he led him toward the door. “We should do it again sometime.”

            “Yeah,” Kaidan said, smiling. “I’d like that.”

            “You should smile more often,” Shepard surprised him by saying, watching him. “It looks good on you.”

            “Uh, thanks,” he said, feeling his ears burn. “You too. Smiling, I mean. Looks good on you and, uh… now I’m rambling.”

            Shepard chuckled. “I’m okay with rambling.”

            Kaidan became a little too aware at their proximity. The doorway was small, sure, and the space between the door and elevator was also small, but even so, he could count the flecks in Shepard’s eyes from this distance.

            _Don’t count them, he’ll think you’re staring, you idiot!_

_Oh. Right. Look away._

            He quickly averted his gaze toward the ground.

            _Now you look like you’re pouting._

            He looked back up.

            _Not at the eyes! Don’t stare._

_Make up your mind, Mind!_

            Close enough.

            Shepard watched him the whole time, smirking somewhat as he rested a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “You should relax more. Stop thinking about everything.”

            Kaidan blinked. “Uh, right. I’ll try to remember that. Thanks for tonight, Commander.”

            Shepard sighed, hand dropping. “Really, Kaidan? Again?”

            “Right, sorry, it’s just, uh…” He took in a breath. “Thanks for tonight, Ryan. I appreciate it. It was… fun.”

            “Good,” Shepard said.

            “I should, um… Sleep. Yeah. It’s late,” Kaidan said, taking a step away somewhat, toward the elevator.

Shepard nodded, not moving from the doorway to follow after or retreat into the cabin. He just stood there, watching him silently. There was something hidden in his gaze, in the depths of blue, but Kaidan didn’t look to find out. That would be considered _staring_ , after all.

“Night, Shep- I mean, night, Ryan.”

“Night, Kaidan,” Shepard replied quietly, and the elevator doors slid shut between them, cutting off Kaidan’s view.

The sentinel sighed and leaned against the wall behind him as the elevator traveled down, back to deck three.

 _That was… interesting,_ he thought as he left the elevator. _More than I expected._

He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting. Anger, resentment, perhaps a confrontation as to why Kaidan wanted to be friends again… sure, they worked past this in the hospital, but it was easy to forgive things when someone was hurt. It was like glaring at a kicked puppy, it just didn’t work out.

But then later came the clarity, the doubts and anger again.

He was happy to see that was not the case for them. Shepard meant what he said. He didn’t hold grudges.

It was good to see some things never changed.

 


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

 

The trip to the Citadel was short lived. They arrived only long enough to get supplies before they got word of the Migrant Fleet, and then it was off to help them and Tali.

The quarians were polite enough, but said they had trouble at the moment and needed help retaking their home world. They’d provoked the geth and needed their help getting out of this situation. Kaidan stood in the background while Shepard spoke to the admirals about the geth.

Throwing themselves at the geth again, as Shepard put it. And now they wanted help getting out of the mess they created. Reapers controlling the geth now, though, making them smarter and stronger, and there was no way out unless Shepard helped them.

Kaidan knew they were going to help even before Shepard agreed. There was no way Shepard would let them fight on their own. He always helped, no matter who asked, no matter the stakes, he always helped. It was part of what Kaidan lo- appreciated about him.

_Wait, what?_

Appreciated. Right. Yes. That.

Nothing crazy like that other word.

Except…

Then they mentioned a new admiral, and Tali stepped out of the shadows.

“Shepard,” she said quietly.

“Tali,” Shepard replied with a smile.

And then the quarian and the commander disappeared into a side room while Kaidan went over the plan with the admirals.

 

Their job was to disable the dreadnaught. Tali and Kaidan went with Shepard to it. There was a large space battle on the way to the dreadnaught, and Kaidan could only imagine how many quarians had been killed already and would still die before they managed to their job. He didn’t want to think about it.

“Alright,” Shepard said, “once we’re aboard we find out what’s causing the Reaper signal and shut it down. Tali’s our expert on geth software.” He glanced at the quarian who stood on Shepard’s left while Kaidan stood on his right. “She’ll be handling hacking and security.”

“Good to see you again, Tali,” Kaidan said.

“You too, Kaidan,” Tali said. “How’s the omni-tool?”

“It’s still the best model,” Kaidan said, fighting the urge to roll his eyes at this old conversation. He liked some of the old technology better.

“Shepard,” EDI interrupted them, speaking through their comm link, “there’s a problem. All routes except one are physically secured.”

Shepard turned to face the two of them. “Too risky for the whole team…”

_Why do I not like the sound of that._

“I’ll secure the docking area,” Shepard said finally.

_Nope. Don’t like it._

“Everyone else can follow me over,” the commander continued.

“Roger that, Commander,” Joker said through their comm link while Kaidan looked at the back of Shepard’s head.

A part of him wanted to argue. This was ridiculous. It was dangerous enough heading over there, but this was a geth ship. There could be traps, or geth everywhere, waiting for them. Going alone could be suicide.

“Hang tight,” Shepard said with a sigh. “I’ll just be a minute.”

_Wait. Tell him to wait. You can go instead._

He opened his mouth to argue but Shepard was already stepping away.

_Don’t end badly. Something needs to go right eventually, right?_

He and Tali waited where they were and lost sight of Shepard.

“No wonder the quarians were having trouble,” Shepard said through their link, “that ship is enormous.”

“It is 30% larger than an Alliance dreadnaught,” EDI commented.

There was silence for a while.

“How are you doing, Shepard?” Tali asked.

“Well the lack of gravity is a little disorienting,” Shepard muttered.

Kaidan could imagine it would be. He hated having to use mag boots. A part of him was always worried about making a wrong step and somehow dislodging himself, becoming adrift in space without a way back to solid ground.

“The dreadnaught has artificial gravity,” Tali said. “You should be okay once you’re on board.”

“Until then I’ll make due with mag boots.”

“Hey take your time, Commander, we’re fine until then,” Joker said. “If they don’t look out a window.”

“Geth don’t use windows, remember?” Shepard commented, a smile in his voice. “Structural weakness.”

“Bet the geth are just sitting there saying, ‘those organics would never try the no windows thing twice.’”

More silence.

There was a rumbling sound. Something breaking off.

_Why does that not sound good._

“Looks like the rest of the team isn’t using the docking tube,” Shepard said, easing his worries a little. If he was okay it couldn’t be that bad, right?

“So, I’m guessing you’d rather _not_ solo the dreadnaught,” Joker said.

“Not if I can help it,” Shepard replied. “Ask Tali to get on the dreadnaught schematics. If she can point me to another docking tube I’ll override the controls and let the docking party on.”

 

 

“I’ve got gravity again,” Shepard said a little bit later.

“Good. I’m looking for…” Tali said slowly, looking through her omni-tool schematics. “There should be a hull breach not far from your position. The nearest undamaged docking tube is on the other side.”

“Think I found that hull breach you mentioned.”

“They tried a frontal assault, we lost six frigates. That tiny hole was the only damage we did.”

“Well, I wouldn’t call it tiny. Not the way you’d have done it?”

“No,” Tali replied. “It was too aggressive. It was his decision though.”

They talked about the admirals for a moment, while Kaidan paced back and forth somewhat impatiently. Waiting was the hard part.

“I found another airlock,” Shepard finally said. “I think we’re good to go.”

“Great,” Tali said. “If you override the controls, we’ll be right there.”

 _Finally,_ Kaidan thought as he got ready for the doorway to open.

It still took a good minute, but when it finally did, he and Tali walked through. He saw Shepard up on the platform above him, and walked toward it, looking up at the commander.

“You okay, Commander?” he asked.

“Better now,” Shepard admitted.

Tali went to check out the controls while she left a pistol for Shepard to look at. Shepard investigated the pistol and followed after her as she moved forward, further into the dreadnaught. Kaidan brought up the rear.

“Vents,” Tali muttered a few minutes later. “Always the vents.”

“You did fine on the Collector base,” Shepard said, grin evident in his voice.

“I got set on _fire_ ,” Tali said incredulously.

Geth showed up rather quickly, cutting them off, shooting at them. They took cover except for Shepard, who decided to, instead, give a biotic charge into the middle of the combat, drawing the attention away from Tali and Kaidan. A nova finished off a lot of the geth but even so Kaidan found himself growling at the commander’s tactics. This was crazy.

“Get back up here,” he called out.

“I don’t hear an alarm,” Shepard said in response, staying where he was, in the middle of combat.

_Damn reckless idiot._

Kaidan and Tali both charged forward to join him.

“They’re geth,” Tali said, like it explained everything.

Down a ladder they went to more geth.

Finally they got to their destination.

“Good,” Shepard said. “Let’s cut the Reaper signal and get the Fleet out of here.”

But, surprise, more geth.

_Damn. How many of these guys are there?_

Thus began another battle. They were running low on ammo.

They finally made it to the console but things didn’t go as planned. Tali came up with another way, and more geth showed up. They quickly fought through them and were on their way, after picking up some much needed ammo.

_Thank God a lot of our ammo is alike._

They made it into the maintenance shaft.

“So, Shepard,” Tali started timidly, “how are you doing?”

“No problems on my end,” Shepard said as he climbed down a ladder. “Hopefully we can get to the drive core before your people lose more ships.”

“Oh,” she said quietly, “y-yes. Um. I meant that… well, before you went to Earth…”

“Um…” Kaidan said, feeling out of place. “If you like, I can… give you two some privacy…”

He didn’t want to hear this conversation. He wasn’t entirely sure why. He’d heard that Shepard and Tali had a thing when they attacked the Collector base but he’d thought it was in the past. After all, they were two different species, not that it really mattered these days, but their jobs were pretty demanding, Shepard being a commander, Tali now being an admiral.

He wasn’t sure why it mattered, though. If Shepard and Tali wanted to be together, who was he to stop them?

Why, then, did he not like the thought?

_He’s my friend. Just looking out for his best interests, that’s all._

Right. Okay. Yeah. Sure, why not.

An urgent message came in, interrupting them, thankfully.

_Thankfully? What? Since when…?_

An admiral’s ship went down. Survivors, but they needed help. There was little they could do for them right now, though, except complete their job here, on the dreadnaught.

It took a while but they finally made it to a large tunnel-like area.

Hit the maintenance lock.

“That should buy us some time,” Kaidan said as they entered the area.

“We’re safe as long as the maintenance lock is in place,” Shepard said. “Let’s move.”

“Understood,” Tali said.

They moved forward but didn’t get very far before everything started shaking and the tunnel came back online.

Shepard ushered them out and then threw himself out of the way last second, landed safely next to them.

“Close one,” Kaidan commented, frowning.

“Watch your shields!” Tali said. “Get to cover!”

They quickly did as they were told.

They fought through more and more geth and continued toward the core.

They came to an elevator. Shepard climbed onto the platform to start it. Geth appeared off to the side, shooting at the platform, and it nearly came down around them. The ground beneath Tali and Kaidan trembled but they were on solid enough ground they didn’t need to worry about it. Shepard, on the other hand…

“Shepard!” Tali called out, causing Kaidan to turn and see his friend on the unstable platform of the elevator. “Grab my hand!” She leaned down, and Kaidan did, too, ready to help the commander up.

Shepard ran toward them and they caught him last minute, as the platform gave way and plummeted downward, nearly taking the commander with it.

“I’m alright,” Shepard said as he stood up, releasing a breath.

Kaidan breathed again as well, unaware he’d been holding his breath the whole time.

_No more elevators. How much farther? This is getting ridiculous…_

Up the ladder they went, and finally toward the right floor.

The door opened, revealing the core.

Shepard moved toward the core and the panel in front of it, holstering his weapon.

“That’s definitely Reaper tech,” he said, a little confused. “But what’s…”

The core opened, revealing a geth held there, amid wires and tubes.

“Shepard-Commander,” it said, its big optic eye widening somewhat. “Help us.”

“Legion?” Shepard replied, stunned, and Kaidan stared at the geth. This was Legion? Why was it here, helping them? Was it helping the geth? He had no idea.

“This is Legion?” Kaidan asked.

“Yes,” Shepard said, still stunned. “It helped me fight the Collectors… It’s on our side.”

He sounded so sure about it. Kaidan had doubts, though.

“Weren’t all the geth reprogrammed?”

_What are you doing? Didn’t you promise you wouldn’t doubt him again?_

“Legion helped us fight the Reapers before,” Shepard said, looking away from Kaidan and back at the geth held hostage. Was it held hostage? “There’s no way it would have agreed to this.”

“Your caution is understandable,” the geth, Legion, said, watching them with that one optic orb. “Once free, we will submit to any restraints you deem necessary.”

That was… generous. Now Kaidan had doubts about his doubts.

_You promised no more doubts, dammit._

_I know. But this… it’s hard._

And it was, really. He was used to fighting geth, not… talking to them. Like this. Trusting them.

He wasn’t trusting Legion, though.

No, he was trusting Shepard.

Like he promised he would.

“I never thought I’d say this,” Tali said quietly, “but it’s… good, to see you again.”

“Likewise, Creator Zorah,” Legion replied.

“So what is this thing?” Shepard asked, bringing them back to the topic at hand, forever calm and focused where others were not.

“It uses our networking architecture to broadcast the Old Machine signal to all geth, simultaneously.”

“Getting you out of there will shut off the Reaper signal?” Shepard asked.

“Wait,” Legion said. “You cannot simply remove the restraints. We are secured via hardware blocks nearby. They shackle our operating protocols. The hardware blocks are on the far side of the room.” It looked over there briefly, before returning its gaze to Shepard.

“Far side of the room?”

“Yes. Deactivation should be simple. The geth protected against viral attack, not physical removal,” Legion said as they started heading that way.

“How’d the Reapers get control of the geth?” Shepard asked as they did so.

“They did not,” Legion said. “The creators attacked. The geth wished to live. The Old Machines extended an offer.”

“So… we went to that geth station and rewrote the heretics for… what? Nothing?” Shepard asked, almost sounding angry in a way.

“No,” Legion said. “You successfully rewrote the heretics. The decision to ally with the Old Machines… was difficult. Had the creators not attacked it would have been unnecessary.”

“Alright,” Shepard sighed. “We’ll have you out of there soon.”

“Damn it,” Tali said somewhat shakily. “I begged them to negotiate rather than attack. I _did_ …”

“Let’s just get Legion out of there,” Shepard said.

They got to the controls, finally.

“Got it,” Shepard said.

Tali contacted the Fleet and told them of their success.

“We are free,” Legion said, dropping from his hold, landing on the platform below. Shepard walked to the edge and looked down at him. It. Whatever.

A small shockwave exploded from the core.

“Keelah,” Tali gasped.

“As a gesture of cooperation, we have disabled the dreadnaught’s drive core. All weapons and barriers are offline.”

Legion was really helping them.

_Told you not to doubt the commander, Major. Don’t you ever listen to yourself?_

No more doubts. Right. He could do that.

“Alert,” Legion said. “Geth reinforcements incoming.”

Geth appeared around them. They brought their guns up.

_It never ends, does it?_

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the admirals decided to open fire on the ship while they were _still inside it, vulnerable to attack_. It was like they didn’t care that they could easily kill them as well!

Tali and Shepard were angry but focused on the task at hand. Kaidan was almost sidetracked by the anger, but the incoming geth proved a good distraction from the distraction.

They had to fight their way out and hope they weren’t obliterated in the process, by their own side.

_This is crazy!_

They finally made it down toward Legion. Meanwhile the Quarian Fleet opened fired on the ship and everything started falling apart.

“Shepard-Commander,” Legion said. “The creator fleet is firing upon this vessel.”

_No shit, Sherlock._

“Without barriers this ship will be destroyed,” the geth continued. “We must evacuate.”

It disappeared from view and Shepard led the way out, toward the hangar and escape pods.

Or, rather, a geth fighter.

Everything exploded as they arrived at Legion’s location, finally. The gravity went offline and they began to float. Legion grabbed Tali’s arm and hauled her to safety while Kaidan and Shepard latched onto a bit of the remaining platform, using it to orientate themselves.

“Normandy to Shepard,” Joker said. “We’re reading a loss of gravity. You okay over there?”

“Fine. We’re leaving in a geth fighter,” Shepard told him. “Transporting rendezvous coordinates.”

He looked at Kaidan, then, who nodded at him. Everyone was okay. So far, so good.

They climbed into the geth fighter and escaped.

Now they just had to hope the Fleet didn’t fire at them in this, too. They would be screwed if they did.

_They better hope Shepard doesn’t leave me alone with them. I’ll kick their asses for this!_

 

They finally made it back to the Normandy, safe and sound, somehow. Shepard hurried off to confront the admirals with Tali, but not before ordering Kaidan to talk with Joker and see how they were doing on that end.

Kaidan knew a dismissal when he heard one. Part of him was relieved to not have to be near those assholes, but another part was a bit dismayed that he was being forced in an opposite direction.

He had a job to do, though.

_Focus on that._

 


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

 

Legion proved useful in helping plan attacks on the geth, but they weren’t ready to go to Rannoch yet. They were still pulling the Fleet together, tying up loose ends, gathering as much information as they could.

That left them sort of in a holding pattern at the moment. There was nothing they could do except wait. Waiting was always the hardest part of any job.

 _Ding_.

Kaidan glanced over at his laptop, where it rested on the other side of the couch. He opened it and smiled at the message.

_Rematch?_

Smiling to himself, he quickly replied. What better way to pass the time? It was better than sitting here doing nothing.

_Get ready to go down, Shepard._

_That a challenge, Major?_

_Of course, Commander. Get ready to lose._

_Bring it on._

Kaidan chuckled and closed the laptop, getting to his feet. He left the Observation Room and moved toward the elevator. Up he went to the Captain’s Cabin, and knocked on the door. It opened to reveal Shepard standing there, smirking at him.

“Are you ready for an ass beating?” the commander asked, gesturing for him to enter.

Kaidan scoffed. “You’re going to beat my ass?”

“Yes.”

“Bring it on, Commander.”

Shepard chuckled and gestured toward the table. Kaidan sat while Shepard pulled out the cards and pulled out some shot glasses, along with a bottle of whiskey.

“Serrice Ice Brandy,” Shepard said as he poured them some. “Dr. Chakwas bought two bottles, gave me this one.”

“That was nice of her,” Kaidan said.

Shepard nodded and sat down, dealing the first hand.

“How’d it go with the admirals?” Kaidan asked, because he hadn’t had a chance to do so yet. The two of them hadn’t been alone long enough to talk since they started helping the Fleet.

Amazing how, even when they were waiting, they were still so busy.

“It went okay,” Shepard said. “Didn’t punch anyone this time.”

“You did before?”

Shepard frowned. “Right. You weren’t there. We went to Tuchanka before, to help Grunt. There was this krogan there who didn’t like Grunt, and he wasn’t too fond of me, either. I kind of head-butted him.”

Kaidan blinked. “You _head-butted_ a _krogan_?”

“Kinda sorta.”

“That’s crazy, even for you.”

“So they tell me. James keeps calling me ‘Loco’. That’s apparently my name now.”

Kaidan smirked. “He nicknames everyone, right?”

“Yeah. Don’t be surprised if he labels you with one, too.”

“I don’t really like being called nicknames,” he admitted.

“Oh? I didn’t know that.” Shepard sound somewhat shocked. “Got any fives?”

Kaidan shrugged. “Go fish. And me and nicknames just don’t get along very well.”

“So… are you telling me if I gave you a nickname, you would deny it?”

Kaidan looked at the commander, who was watching him patiently, but there was _something_ in his eyes. “That depends,” he said slowly, watching him in return, wondering where he was going with this. “What would you call me?”

“I dunno. Probably ‘K’.”

“K?”

“Yep.”

“That sounds like you’re agreeing with something.”

“Yep. So, you saying I can’t call you K?”

Kaidan frowned. He wasn’t sure he particularly liked that name, but it wasn’t like everyone would be calling him it, right? Everyone usually either called him ‘Major’ or ‘Kaidan’. Or sometimes ‘Alenko’. Nicknames were something to be had between friends, right? Perhaps this was simply the next step.

“Alright,” he said. “You can call me K if I can call you Ry.”

Shepard grinned, that big, toothy smile Kaidan couldn’t remember the last time he saw. “Deal, _K_.”

“Alright, Ry.”

Nicknames. Simple, easy.

Yet they seemed important, somehow.

“Got any threes?” Kaidan asked, getting back to the game they’d pretty much forgotten in this conversation.

 

 

Like before, they played for hours. It was simple, easy, passing the time. Better than waiting alone in the Observation Room.

            “So, Kaidan,” Shepard said after a while, “what have you been up to lately?”

            Kaidan frowned. “Helping you?”

            “You know what I mean. I didn’t really get to ask before. I mean you told me about the students, but what else?”

            “Not much, really. It’s all in my file.”

            “I don’t want the soldier run down,” Shepard said, almost annoyed. “I just want to talk, like normal people. Let’s just… be normal people for a while.”

            “Okay. Yeah. Sounds good. Alright, I visited my parents for a while after you… after the Normandy was lost,” he said, shrugging. “Traveled for a bit, but eventually wound up back with the Alliance. I’m a soldier, it’s what I do, right? They promoted me and gave me jobs, which eventually led to Horizon. You know how it went from there.” A pause as he brought his gaze up, landing it on the commander, who sat there, watching him from across the table. “What about you?”

            “There’s not much to tell.”

            “Fair’s fair.”

            “Alright, fine. Woke up with Cerberus, confused the hell out of me. Two years had passed. There was no time to adjust, really. Just thrown back into everything.” Shepard shrugged, quietly fingering the edge of one of his card, smoothing his thumb over it. “Then I get arrested for helping. Relieved of duty, but when the Reapers attack suddenly everyone wants to talk to me.” A pause as blue eyes averted to the table. “Sorry, that’s a bit harsh. Got any sevens?”

            “Go fish. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

            “It’s fine. You had bigger things to worry about.”

            “Maybe, but you were my friend.”

            “It’s okay.” Shepard smiled at him, and Kaidan felt himself relax somewhat. “I want this war to be over with soon. I’m tired.”

            “Tired?”

            Everyone was tired. But for some reason this seemed… different.

            It left him more than a little on edge.

            “Just… there’s only so much fight in a person,” Shepard said quietly, words oddly serious and sincere, and Kaidan knew they weren’t simply talking or joking around anymore. “I’m just… tired.”

            “So you’re… giving up?” he asked, watching the commander.

            Shepard stiffened somewhat, dragging his gaze back up to the sentinel. “No. I’ve got a job to do, I know that. I’ll finish it.”

            “And then what?”

            “I don’t know.”

            The words were soft, quiet, and somewhat… _lost_? Blue eyes locked onto the table again, head bowed, cards dropping in the light hold. Kaidan sat there, confused as the man he’d come to admire, look up to, began to show the chinks in the armor. He was still human, after all, and Kaidan couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed it before.

            The holes in the mask, the holes in the façade…

            Shepard was stressed. More than that. He was _tired_.

            Sometimes it did feel like this war never ended, but even Kaidan had something, someone, to look up to. Shepard always knew what to do, so he never worried about it too much. He knew the others in the crew felt the same, but who did Shepard turn to for guidance, advice? It used to be Anderson, but Shepard long ago surpassed the man, and Anderson was currently on Earth, in the middle of the battle.

            Shepard had no one to talk to.

            Kaidan could see the telltale signs of loneliness staring back at him in a face he thought he knew so well.

            _He’s lonely. How could he not be?_

_But aren’t we all lonely right now?_

            He knew he certainly felt alone often enough. He knew he wasn’t, but he could be alone in a crowd. He just didn’t seem to belong here like he used to. The only thing really keep him here was the desire to stop the Reapers, and…

            Well, Shepard was keeping him here somehow.

            He wanted to be out there, on Earth, fighting.

            But he also really wanted to be here, too.

            He was slowly starting to understand the whirlwind rushing through him, those emotions which ran by too quickly to decipher.

            _I’m lonely. He’s lonely. Maybe we can be lonely together?_

            He wasn’t sure where that thought came from. Right now, though, he felt the need to do something. Shepard was still staring down at the table, a battle raging across his face, emotions changing so quickly Kaidan wasn’t sure where he stood.

            He reached across the table without knowing he was doing so. His hand moved of its own accord, fingers lightly brushing against Shepard’s, forcing him to drop the cards. Blue eyes snapped up to his face, narrowed in confusion, hesitance, uncertainty.

            _Don’t be uncertain._

            Shepard was never uncertain, right? So why…

            The two sat there, staring at each other for a long moment. Silence wrapped around them, thick and heavy and Kaidan didn’t know what to do. He opened his mouth to… to what? Say _something_ , but was cut off by Joker’s voice over the intercom.

            “Sorry to interrupt, Commander, but Admiral Raan would like to speak with you in the war room.”

            Shepard got to his feet, still watching Kaidan. “Okay, Joker. I’ll be right there.”

            “Aye, aye, sir.”

            Kaidan averted his gaze to the table, still sitting there. He knew he should go but for some reason his legs refused to work, frozen in place.

            “I should go,” Shepard said quietly. Kaidan could feel his gaze on him, watching his every move, probably seeing through him.

            _I need to go. Get up. C’mon. You can’t stay in here while he’s not here._

            “Come with me.”

            The words were quiet, a request more than a statement, and Kaidan brought his gaze up to look at the commander.

            The two watched each other for a moment, before Kaidan nodded and finally managed to move his legs. Shepard’s mouth curved in a faint, timid smile, before the commander turned and led the way out of the room. Kaidan stood still for a moment, staring after him, before he sighed and followed.

            _What just happened._

 


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

 

They needed to take out the geth server before they could do anything else, according to the admirals. Kaidan wasn’t sure about this plan. He had no idea what this would entail, what it meant, what needed to be done… anything.

            But Shepard seemed more relaxed than he had been earlier, somehow, so it couldn’t have been all bad, right? It still had to do with Legion, though, and while Kaidan trusted Shepard’s judgment in the geth, that didn’t mean he trusted Legion.

            It wound up being Legion, Kaidan, Shepard and Garrus who went down to the server. It was all very confusing and Kaidan wasn’t entirely sure what to make of any of it, but he had to trust that things would work out. Shepard didn’t seem worried, nor did Legion, but then again, could geth be worried? Worry was an emotion and Legion was a machine… did he still have feelings?

            This was all very new to him.

            “You must enter our consensus,” Legion was saying when Kaidan tuned back into the conversation. He blinked, frowning at the commander.

            _Enter the consensus?_

            Shepard folded his arms across his chest. “You want me to virtually interact with the geth?” he asked almost incredulously.

            _Yeah, what the hell?_

            Kaidan stood up. “That kind of tech isn’t even in the market. This can’t be safe.”

            Shepard shrugged. “I’m not a machine. How do I go into a virtual world?”

            “Cerberus conducted research on geth-human interfaces,” Legion said simply, and Kaidan felt his spine stiffen at the mention of Cerberus. “They called it ‘Project Overlord’. We monitored their transmissions. We have refined the interfaces they have created and have equipment from Normandy to facilitate safe contact. We request your trust.”

            _Request your trust? He can’t be serious._

            Shepard seemed to be thinking it over, though.

            _Are you crazy?_

            “I have your back, Legion,” Shepard finally said. “Even though I don’t quite understand why you need it.”

“You are an unknown,” Legion said. “This is an advantage.”

Kaidan’s mind spun. _What are they talking about?_

“While we occupy the system’s intrusion countermeasures, you will disable the squadrons by removing geth from the server,” Legion said, as though it made sense.

“If it saves the live ships we’ve got to try it,” Shepard said determinedly, leaving Kaidan staring at him.

Legion said there was a high chance of success and then dropped out of the shuttle – literally, he stepped outside and fell, leaving Shepard watching him leave, shaking his head at the geth’s decision.

“What’s going on?” Kaidan asked.

“I don’t know,” Shepard replied. “I think I just agreed to enter a computer.”

“That’s not possible, right?”

“According to Legion, it is.”

“I don’t like this.”

“I’m not too fond of it either,” Shepard admitted, “but it’s all we’ve got.”

            They landed the shuttle a few minutes later and exited, walking toward a cave-like entrance. At least, that was what it looked like.

            _I have a bad feeling about this._

            The cave-like entrance led to a hallway and equipment and computer consoles. They approached it quietly, slowly.

            They walked around the dead geth bodies until they saw Legion around the corner and approached him.

            “This is it?” Shepard asked.

            “Yes. Hostile geth fire squadrons are connected to this server,” Legion said while Kaidan looked at the Geth Primes in the odd pod-like structures, disabled for the time being.

            _I really don’t like this._

            “Due to restricted resources,” Legion said, “it is best if you connect alone.”

            _Wait, what? Hell no._

            Kaidan snapped his gaze toward the commander, who seemed to be shrugging.

            Legion gestured at an empty pod-like structure not unlike the ones the primes were in. Kaidan looked at Garrus as if to say, ‘are we letting this happen?’ but the turian just shrugged and watched as Shepard approached the intended pod.

            _No. I don’t like this at all._

            “Let’s do it,” Shepard said.

            “Shepard,” Kaidan said, but either he was too quiet or he was ignored.

            _You said you wouldn’t doubt him, remember?_

_Yeah but this is crazy!_

            “Initiating peer network integration,” Legion said, turning back toward the console.

            The pod opened and Shepard stepped toward it.

            Kaidan’s hand raised to grab the commander’s shoulder, stop him from doing this, but he dropped it back down as soon as it raised. He said he would trust Shepard, and he did. Shepard wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t sure about it, right?

            He was in charge of a lot of lives, and while that was obviously stressful, he wouldn’t risk everything to simply interact with geth if it wasn’t important, if it wasn’t safe. Kaidan wanted to believe Legion had Shepard’s safety in mind but that required trusting a geth, and he couldn’t do it, not right now.

            He trusted Shepard, though.

            He trusted _Ryan_.

            So he stayed his hand and kept quiet, watching as Shepard stepped into the pod.

            The glass door of the pod came down, sealing him inside. Shepard looked through the glass at Kaidan, who tried to at least appear a little reassuring, but he wasn’t sure how well he pulled that off.

            _Let this work. Something needs to go right._

            “Remain still,” Legion said.

            Shepard did remain still save for his head. He kept looking around inside the pod.

            Some kind of laser system worked its way through the pod. Kaidan remembered it from the holographic way they could communicate. The Council used it a lot, as did the Illusive Man, if he remembered correctly. That part was not the part to be worried about.

            That didn’t mean he liked this, though.

            “Shepard-Commander,” Legion said, “excess movement during an upload is discouraged.”

            Shepard stopped moving. Eventually even his eyes stopped as well, and he was completely still. Kaidan watched the movement stop, and watched as Legion pressed buttons around the console.

            Eventually Legion stopped moving too.

            “Do you think it worked?” he asked.

            “I hope so,” Garrus replied. “I’d hate to be the one to tell the Council we lost Shepard to a computer of all things.”

            Kaidan sighed. “This is crazy.”

            “I agree, but it’s our only choice at the moment. I’m sure it will be fine. Give it time.”

            _I’ll try._

 

Time passed. He wasn’t sure how long, but he grew more anxious every minute. Pacing stopped working a while ago, and Garrus kept sending him glares for pacing so much so he finally stopped and settled for standing in front of the pod.

            _This is crazy. How long’s it been? How long is too long?_

            “Hello?” a voice said, starting them both. “Commander?”

            The admirals, then.

            “Are you there?”

            Garrus and Kaidan shared looks. How were they going to explain this?

            Garrus decided to take the call while Kaidan walked toward the pod once again, looking into it. Shepard was as he had been for the past hour or so. Had it been an hour? Longer? He had no idea, no real sense of time here. Waiting took forever and was always the worst part of anything.

            “In a manner of speaking,” Garrus said to the quarian.

            She told them something was amiss with the geth squadrons.

            _So does that mean it’s working?_

            “Half the fighters have stopped functioning,” she said.

            _Sounds like it might be working…_

_I hope so. This is crazy._

            It was a little bit later that she contacted them again.

            “Something’s happening to the geth,” she said somewhat uncertainly.

            Kaidan and Garrus shared looked before turning their gaze toward Shepard.

            She said they’d stopped. Live ships were safe now.

            So, it worked.

            But more minutes ticked by.

            _If it’s over, why is no one moving?_

            _Dammit, I knew this was a bad idea!_

            But then, suddenly, Shepard moved. The pod door opened and he stepped out as though nothing happened. Garrus and Kaidan stepped toward him, concerned for their friend, their commander.

            “Are you all right, Commander?” Kaidan asked, watching as Shepard worked the kinks out of his neck and shoulders, rolling his head this way and that.

            “Did it work?” Shepard asked instead of replying, glancing at him.

            “Geth fighters have been disabled,” EDI said. “Remaining squadrons attacking the life ships have withdrawn. The server is offline.”

            All around them, the Geth Primes which had previously been immobile stepped out of their pods, moving toward them. Shepard pulled out his gun.

            “Are you sure?” he asked EDI. “What’s happening?”

            “We have transferred geth programs from the server into these platforms,” Legion said.

            “But why?” Shepard asked while Kaidan stifled the urge to growl at the machine.

            _What the hell?_

            The red lights glowing on the Geth Primes dimmed and turned blue. They no longer seemed as hostile as they once were, and stood there, around them, without firing at them or anything.

            _Okay. This day just got weirder._

            “They wish to join us,” Legion said.

            Kaidan and Shepard shared surprised looks.

            _Something new every day, huh?_

 

The trip back to the Normandy was quiet. Shepard looked exhausted even though all he’d been doing was standing there, perfectly still. The experience would tired anyone out, though. Plus his eyes had to be burning from being open so long, right? Kaidan thought so, anyway.

            Garrus hadn’t said very much since they left the server. He’d asked about the commander’s health to which Shepard said he was ‘fine’, and no more had been said.

            It was an awkward silence Kaidan wasn’t sure he liked.

            He didn’t know what to say to end it, though. Shepard looked relaxed, not worried, so he figured it was okay to stay quiet for now. They could talk when they got back to the Normandy and Dr. Chakwas examined the commander.

            They returned to the Normandy and Dr. Chakwas was there waiting on them. Shepard shot Garrus a semi-angry look to which Garrus shrugged and gestured at Kaidan.

            “He’s the one who called her, not me, don’t blame me for this.”

            Then he walked away, leaving Shepard’s gaze turning toward Kaidan.

            “You look tired,” he said with a shrug. “Thought it’d be best if she met us.”

            “I’ll be brief, Commander,” the doctor said, smiling at him.

            Shepard sighed, shoulders slumping. “Alright, fine. I’m outnumbered. But make it quick, I need to tell Hackett about the Geth Primes heading his way.”

            Kaidan left the two of them in the shuttle bay. He figured it would go a lot faster if the wasn’t there to get in the way. Plus he needed a moment alone to think about what just happened.

            Shepard connected to the geth interface. What did that mean? What was it like? What did he see?

            He had a million questions and no way to ask them.

 

Shepard surprised him by entering the Observation Room later. Kaidan looked up from the report he was working on and frowned at him.

            “What the hell, Shepard?” he asked before he knew what he was doing. “What just happened?”

            Shepard frowned at him.

            “Actually…” Kaidan sighed. “Don’t tell me. I’ve got work to do and… I can’t be distracted.”

            _What? Yes you can. You want to know, right?_

Yes and no. He wanted to know but another part of him didn’t want to know. It would be distracting and this report was important, right? Plus the commander was probably mad him for having Dr. Chakwas meet them in the shuttle bay.

            He wanted to know what happened… but he also didn’t want to know. It was very strange and he felt very conflicted.

            “I was plugged into the virtual world of the geth consensus,” Shepard said, like it was simple. “Saw their history, purged a Reaper infection.”

            “Crap,” Kaidan sighed, quirking a brow at him. “Now I’ll be obsessing about how that works instead of doing my Spectre Division Expense Report.”

            Shepard smirked. “You’re welcome.”

            Kaidan rolled his eyes and put the data pad down. “Sorry. How are you?”

            “I’m fine. I can’t believe you sicked Chakwas on me.”

            “You were basically a statue, Shepard. For a long time. You looked tired,” Kaidan said, shrugging. “Friends worry.”

            “Uh huh. Do it again and you’re on clean up duty, got it?” Shepard asked, folding his arms across his chest. For a moment Kaidan thought the commander was really angry with him, but then he saw the sparkle in those blue eyes and he knew he was kidding.

            “Very funny,” he said. “I’ll have you know I’m an excellent cleaner.”

            “Oh really?”

            “Yes, really.”

            Shepard smiled and shook his head, his arms dropping back to his sides. “I should get back to work… but I’m free later, if you want to grab a bite in the mess with me.”

            Kaidan smiled back. “Sure, I’d like that.”

            Shepard nodded and left the room. Kaidan’s gaze wandered back to the data pad.

            _Damn reports. Damn geth._

           

            They didn’t get a chance to have dinner later, or whatever it was they’d been planning. Kaidan honestly didn’t know what to call it. Anyway, it wound up not happening because the Fleet located the missing admiral, who crash landed on Rannoch when he sacrificed his ship taking out a gun on the geth dreadnaught.

            And of course they wanted Shepard to get him out safely, no matter the cost, because he as important to the civilian fleet.

            Either way, he wasn’t part of the action. He didn’t even find out about this until Shepard emailed him before the commander left the ship with Tali and Garrus.

            _Rain check?_

_Shepard._

            Kaidan sighed, wondering why he was left behind on this mission. Last mission, with the geth consensus, all he did was stand there and pace and worry. This mission he could actually be useful and shoot something, but was left behind.

            He was sure Shepard had his reasons, though.

            Maybe the commander was just getting tired of him…

            _Rain check. Right._

 

            Kaidan blinked his eyes open from where he lay on the couch, half asleep in the dim lighting of the room. He checked the message.

            _Still up? If so, I’m in the mess if you want to talk._

_Shepard._

            Rain check already, huh?

            Kaidan yawned and thought about it for a minute. He could go out there and talk, or stay here and sleep. What did they have to talk about, anyway? He wasn’t on the last mission, so there was nothing to report.

            Still, though, he rolled off the couch and moved out of the room, toward the mess.

            Very few people were out and about. He saw a light on in Dr. Chakwas’ office but the mess was empty save for a lone figure near the refrigerator. He walked toward the familiar set of shoulders.

            “Shepard,” he said in greeting.

            Shepard turned around, scowling at him. “Really, Kaidan?”

            “Sorry. Ryan.”

            “Better. Hungry?”

            “Maybe a little.”

            Shepard gestured at the refrigerator. Kaidan grabbed him a cold apple and moved toward one of the tables. Shepard joined him a moment later, ham and cheese sandwich in hand.

            “How was the mission?” Kaidan asked, biting into his apple.

            “It went okay, I guess,” Shepard said. “We saved the admiral… but had to pick between him and his crew.”

            “Oh. I’m sorry, Shep- Ryan. Sorry. That must have been hard.”

            He could only imagine making that kind of choice, and Shepard seemed to have to make it a lot. It was crazy.

            Shepard shrugged. “Part of the job.”

            “Still, though… I don’t know how you do it.”

            “I don’t have a choice,” Shepard almost sighed, taking a bite of his sandwich.

            Kaidan nodded. “I guess. So, other than that, everyone okay on the mission?”

            “Pretty much. Garrus suggested using meteors against the geth on Rannoch.”

            Kaidan almost choked on his food, laughing. “Dear God. Really?”

            Shepard nodded, smirking. “Yeah. Tali was appalled.”

            “I can imagine.” A pause. “Why didn’t you take me with you?”

            Blue eyes blinked at him, brows furrowed in confusion. “I didn’t know you wanted to go. Tali wanted to be on the home world, even if it was only for a moment. Garrus just likes the action. I thought you might be tired.”

            “Wait. You were… worried about me?”

            Shepard scowled. “Well, when you put it like _that_ …”

            Kaidan smiled. “You were.”

            Shepard’s response was to take a big bite from the sandwich.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the halfway point (although length wise, the second half is longer, with a lot of longer chapters). I already have a kudos... I don't even know how this happened XD I just posted this story not even ten minutes ago. But thanks so much!! I thrive off things like that, and comments :) They make me very happy and make me post/update faster, as you will soon find out. This story is complete, though, so there's no real rush.


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

 

_It’s time._

            Time to go to Rannoch and take out the Reaper base.

            Everyone was a little on edge at the moment. Tali snapped at him earlier when he asked how she was handling things. She apologized immediately after and acknowledged that she was nervous, both about seeing her home world again, this time for longer than a few minutes, and because it was a not only geth they would be facing, but a Reaper base.

            That alone would put anyone on edge so it was understandable.

            James was exercising more than usual, and Cortez was keeping to himself, being quieter than usual. Garrus kept calibrating things which was starting to get on Kaidan’s nerves. Kaidan himself felt calm enough, but that was probably because he’d discussed their plan in great length with the commander in private, over another game of cards and some alcohol.

            They’d started in the mess hall as planned, sharing a snack, and talking about the mission to save the admiral. Then Kaidan offered to host a game of cards, poker this time, in his room – the Observation Room. Really it was his room now, he’d pretty much claimed it and everyone accepted this fact. Half the crew called it his room. Shepard did too.

            “You should really get a bed,” the commander commented with a smile as they played cards.

            “Couches are fine,” Kaidan replied.

            So, maybe he was a little less on edge than everyone else. Shepard looked calm, too, but then again he always did. After spending time with him again, though, Kaidan noticed the telltale signs of stress weighing down on his shoulders. Even noticing this and acknowledging Shepard was tired and stressed, the commander still looked better than usual, calmer, more in control.

            Kaidan liked to think he helped by talking with the commander as a friend. He hoped he helped. He wanted to.

            Everyone needed someone to talk to, turn to, sometime. Shepard was human, just like the rest of them. Just because he was in charge didn’t mean he didn’t worry about things, didn’t mean he didn’t have doubts, because he did, just like the rest of them.

            Sometimes people forgot that.

            Looked past it.

            But Kaidan saw it, recognized it, and hoped he helped, even if only a little.

            He found Shepard in the war room, going over the plan with Admiral Raan and Tali. Legion was off in the background, watching them quietly. It was still strange to think of the geth by name, and know that he was on their side. He. It. Whatever.

            Shepard made the strangest of friends when left to his own devices.

            Kaidan waited patiently while the commander talked to the admiral. Once the discussion was over, Shepard looked up and smiled, nodding his head toward the room off to the side, where vid calls were held.

            “Hey, Kaidan,” Shepard said in greeting. “What’s on your mind?”

            “I’d like to go on this mission if that’s okay with you,” Kaidan said.

            Shepard blinked and then nodded. “Sure, if that’s what you want. Tali’s going, as is Legion, but mainly to guide us.”

            Kaidan nodded. “Do we know what we’re going to find?”

            “A lot of geth,” Shepard said with a sigh. “Beyond that, I have no idea.”

            “So we’re going in blind again.”

            “Looks like. You okay with that, Major?”

            “It won’t be a problem, Commander,” Kaidan said, smiling at him.

            Shepard chuckled and clapped him on the shoulder before walking past him, out of the room, back toward Admiral Raan and Tali.

 

“The synching laser needs a line of sight,” Shepard said once they were on the shuttle, heading down to Rannoch and the Reaper base. “What’s the fastest route?”

            “The upper entrance,” Legion said. “Target the base before the geth can organize resistance.”

            _Makes sense,_ Kaidan thought, watching the two of them from where he sat on one of the bench seats next to Tali.

            “What about you?” Shepard asked, watching Legion.

            “We will deactivate defense systems and acquire an escape vehicle.”

            _Why does he always refer to himself as ‘we’. Or, why does **it** … gah… this is confusing, my head hurts._

            “You can do that?” Shepard asked, arm held out to the side, hand braced against the wall, helping him keep steady as the shuttle moved, since he and Legion were the only ones standing.

            “This unit still carries remnants of…” Legion’s head bowed, almost like he was ashamed. “The Old Machine’s upgrade code. We can break any geth security.” He looked back up at Shepard. “You are concerned.”

            “You know your limits,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “I trust you. I’m more concerned you didn’t tell me about the upgrades.”

            “You were tolerant of our recovery of geth intelligences from the server, but this matter is… different,” Legion said slowly, as though working through it as he spoke. “Personal.”

            Shepard nodded. “You were ashamed.”

            _Can geth be ashamed?_

            “Shame is an emotional response to societal judgment,” Legion said. “It should not apply here.”

            “I’m on your side here, Legion,” Shepard said sincerely. “I want to help your people.”

            Legion looked away. “We did not intend to cause offense.”

            Shepard scrubbed a hand over his face. “How’d we get here?” he muttered, mostly to himself, but everyone heard. “Geth are better than this.”

            There was a pause.

            “No,” Legion finally said, looking back at the commander. “Based on empirical evidence… they are not.”

            “Yeah,” Shepard sighed with a small shrug.

            There was a pause as the shuttle landed and the doors opened.

            “Proceed to the upper entrance,” Legion said. “We will exit here and procure an escape vehicle.”

            “Got it,” the commander replied, nodding at him.

            Legion prepared to exit.

            “Legion,” Shepard called, halting him momentarily. The machine looked back at him, waiting. “Good luck.”

            “Acknowledged,” Legion said before he finally stepped from the shuttle. Shepard followed after him and Kaidan and Tali brought up the rear.

            “This feels a little insane,” Kaidan said quietly.

            Shepard stopped next to him while Tali walked a little further away, looking around at her home world. Legion had already disappeared from sight, working on his part of the job.

            “It does,” Shepard admitted.

            “You called the geth… ‘your people’.”

            “They’re different than us,” Shepard said quietly, watching Tali in the distance. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to live, too. They’re aware enough to have self preservation. They fear death. That’s why they fought back against the quarians.”

            “I guess,” Kaidan murmured. “I still don’t like it. They could turn on us.”

            “I could say the same about you,” Shepard said, blue eyes suddenly focused on him, leaving him stiffening in shock.

            “Me?” he echoed, frowning. “You think… I’m going to turn on you?”

            What happened to the trust? What did he do wrong?

            “I don’t,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “I don’t think you’d turn on me any more than I think Legion would, Kaidan. Understand?”

            Slowly, the sentinel nodded. “I guess so… I don’t like it, but I understand. He’s your friend. It is a he, right?”

            Shepard smirked. “I have no idea. I call him a he.”

            “Alright, at least I’m not the only crazy one.”

            “Well, I am ‘Loco’, after all.”

            Kaidan chuckled. “Yeah. You are.”

            Tali was still in the distance, looking both amazed and… somewhat lost. Kaidan felt for her, he really did. She was finally back on the home world but it wasn’t a peaceful time. Instead she was fighting to free her home world from Reaper control, and from the geth. Or, rather, the ‘heretics’, according to Legion. Or some kind of faction that wasn’t part of the unit Legion was talking about. It was all very confusing. He’d never been very good at all that technical lingo.

            “I’m gonna go talk to her,” Shepard said. “Wait here, let me know if anything happens.”

            Kaidan nodded. “Will do, Commander.”

            Blue eyes rolled at him. “Thanks, Major.”

            Shepard walked away, toward Tali, and Kaidan watched him go.

            The two talked for a few minutes. Shepard picked up a rock and handed it to Tali, closing her hands around it. Kaidan wasn’t sure what that was all about. It could be innocent or it could be romantic. Were they still together? He had no idea, and he wasn’t entirely sure why it bothered him…

            Tali was a ‘good egg’, as he said before. He liked her. She was a good friend, always loyal, and she was good to have in a battle.

            But Tali with Shepard…

            Something about that seemed… not right. He wasn’t sure why and he didn’t wish to dwell on it right now. Instead he waited patiently until the two of them stopped talking and moved back toward him. Shepard nodded at him and the three began walking away, toward their destination.

            Shepard jumped off the small cliff edge first, Kaidan and Tali following after him. Immediately there were geth everywhere. Part of Kaidan hoped Legion didn’t suddenly surprise them and show up because he couldn’t promise he wouldn’t shoot him out of habit, in the middle of all these geth trying to kill them.

            At some point in the battle Legion told them to move toward the upper area, and they began climbing while also fighting. Ammo was becoming scarce and Kaidan hoped it ended soon so he could grab some from the fallen geth around him, but until the firefight was over he couldn’t chance moving from cover.

            Shepard didn’t seem to care about cover, though. Instead he used biotic charges to pretty much teleport all over the place, ramming into the geth hostiles, using a nova to take out a lot of them. The commander’s biotics were strong, the only L3 implant user Kaidan ever said was stronger than him. It somehow rarely ever tired the commander out. Or maybe he was just good at hiding it. He was an N7 operative, after all. Not only that but after all he’d been through…

            Plus the Cerberus synthetic parts in him. They rarely talked about that, though, so he knew very little about it. It just made him feel all the more guilty for not being there during the attack on the Collector base, but he couldn’t think about that right now.

            Right now he had to focus on the battle at hand.

            On getting out alive.

            On getting all of them out alive.

            They finally made it up far enough, and through a doorway. They grabbed ammo along the way, thankfully, and continued onward. It wasn’t over yet but Kaidan hoped it would end soon enough.

            They fought more geth and made it to another door.

            “Shepard-Commander,” Legion said, “do you need assistance?”

            “We’ll get through,” Shepard said. “What’s your status?”

            Legion explained about the upgrades as they moved through the doorway. Kaidan hoped they were almost there, but somehow he doubted it. Nothing was ever easy, right?

            _Not for us, anyway._

            “Reaper code?” Kaidan asked, feeling skeptical of this plan again, despite his vow to not doubt him anymore. He wasn’t doubting Shepard, though, only the reaper code upgrades, and the geth. It was hard not to worry about it when he was killing geth left and right.

            “Legion’s on our side,” Tali surprised him by saying.

            Shepard smiled at her and nodded. “He’ll do his part, don’t worry. We just need to get our part done, too. Let’s go.”

            And forward they went, toward more geth.

            _It never ends._

            They made it to an override console.

            “Legion,” Shepard said as they took cover, geth firing at them from down the way. “I hit the override.”

            “Standby,” Legion said, doing his part, as it were.

            _Let this work, yeah?_

            And they fought more geth. More and more and more and-

            _Out of ammo? Are you kidding me?_

He switched to his pistol.

            “Here!” Shepard said, tossing his rifle to him. “Make it count.”

            “What about you?” Kaidan asked, confused.

            Shepard just grinned and used a biotic charge to go into the middle of the fray.

            “Dammit!” Kaidan growled, shooting at the geth Shepard missed.

            _Damn crazy, reckless idiot!_

            Finally Legion contacted them again, saying he’d enabled a console near them to use, and this could be over with soon. They hurried toward it and Kaidan grabbed ammo on the way, tossing Shepard back his rifle.

            Then they needed to take an elevator up. Kaidan wasn’t very fond of elevators. Never was before, but especially not now, when elevators liked to explode or mess up on him these days, especially when geth were present.

            A Geth Prime came down in the elevator.

            “Shit,” Shepard cursed, backtracking. “Find cover!”

            They did so, and eventually defeated the Geth Prime and got on the elevator, taking it up.

            “I don’t like this,” Kaidan sighed.

            “No one does,” Shepard grunted in response. “It’ll be over soon.”

            “Hope so.”

            Three more Geth Primes were waiting for them as they came up in the elevator.

            “Son of a… get down!” Shepard ordered as he charged forward. Kaidan growled and tried to cover him as best he could. He was going to have a long talk with the commander about all these biotic charges, dammit.

            It worked out in the end, though. Shepard charged from one Geth Prime to another, using a combination of novas and charges to take them out fairly quickly, although Kaidan could see the toll it was taking. By the time it was over Shepard’s shoulders drooped in exhaustion and sweat lined his brow, but he pushed onward anyway, toward the eldge.

            _It’s almost over,_ Kaidan realized, feeling relief course through him.

            All they had to do now as target the base with the special targeting gun they’d given Shepard, and blow it to bits and everything would be fine and they could get out of here.

            _Almost over. Almost there._

            “Alright,” Shepard sighed, running a hand over his brow, wiping the sweat away. “Stay back in case this gets ugly.”

            “But Commander-”

            Shepard narrowed his eyes at him. “That’s an order.”

            Kaidan wanted to argue, but Tali was already grabbing his arm, leading him away.

            Shepard stepped onto the ledge.

            “Normandy’s weapon systems are ready to synch to your target,” EDI said as Shepard pulled out the special gun. “I recommend you withdraw to a safe distance.”

            _Like we are, you idiot, what are you doing?_

            He watched as Shepard took a breath and finally aimed the targeting gun, feet positioned for a hasty retreat if need be.

            _Almost over. Let it work._

            “Target locked,” EDI said as the Normandy flew by and fired at the hole beneath the ledge.

            The explosion was bigger than they thought it would be. Shepard quickly stepped back but wasn’t fast enough as debris hit the ledge he was standing on, knocking the ground out from under him, and forward and down he went.

            “Shepard!” Kaidan growled, darting from his cover, toward the edge, Tali right behind him. He looked down and found it was, thankfully, not a very far drop to where Shepard landed. Already the commander was climbing to his feet. “Commander?”

            Shepard looked up at him and nodded. “I’m fine.”

            It was about that time a giant claw like thing appeared from the hole, and Shepard took a few quick steps back.

            “Reaper!” he called out, and Kaidan’s blood went cold as the thing emerged from the ground, directly in front of the commander. Quickly he and Tali dropped down onto the platform Shepard was on as they began running off to the side, toward their only means of escape.

            A geth tried to fire at the commander from behind him but Kaidan shoved it to the ground and Tali shot it in the head. They didn’t have time for the geth, they needed to get the hell out of there!

            _Not good._

            Thank God Legion was there, though, with the escape vehicle. They all clambered inside, breathless, as the Reaper finally fully emerged from the hole.

            Shepard climbed onto the gun in the escape vehicle, even though everyone knew it wouldn’t do much good. Kaidan tried to stay near him, but also in a position where he wasn’t in danger of falling out.

            They took flight and Shepard began shooting at the Reaper, futilely.

            “It’s not a Reaper base,” Shepard told everyone through the comm link, “it’s a live Reaper! I need an orbital strike!”

            _All hands on deck. C’mon._

            “We’re clear,” Shepard said. “Fire at will!”

            They fired and it managed to blow the top off their escape vehicle but it somehow knocked the Reaper down.

            “What’d we hit?” someone asked.

            “Firing chamber,” Shepard said. “Looks like a weak point when it’s priming.”

            “We may escape before it recovers,” Legion said.

            _Yeah, let’s do that. I’m all for that plan._

            “No,” Shepard said through gritted teeth. “Pull over.”

            _Pull over? Did he just say pull over?_

            “Shepard, what the hell?”

            “Pull over.”

            _He’s crazy! This is crazy!_

            But Legion was already pulling over. Once low enough to the ground, Shepard jumped out.

            “Shepard-Commander,” Legion said, confused.

            “If we run away, the geth stay under Reaper control and the quarians are dead,” Shepard said, looking back at them. Kaidan shook his head, this was insane! They couldn’t take out a Reaper, dammit. Shepard looked back at the Reaper. “This ends. Now!”

            And then he was telling EDI to patch him through to the Fleet and their weapons as well. His targeting gun would be what they’d use to know where they were to be firing.

            “Shepard, this is crazy,” Kaidan said, moving to jump out as well, because if Shepard was staying, so was he.

            Shepard tossed him a glare. “You stay in that vehicle, Major. That’s an order.”

            “This is crazy!”

            “That’s an _order_. Tali, don’t you let him out.”

            “But, Shepard-” Tali said.

            “Don’t argue with me,” Shepard said, all calm and collected like he wasn’t doing another damn suicide mission.

            “Shepard-Commander,” Legion said. “Good luck.”

            “Acknowledged,” Shepard said, before jerking his head in the ‘get gone’ motion.

            “Shepard,” Kaidan growled. Tali grabbed his arm, keeping him in place.

            “Get out of here. Now.”

            “Keelah se’lai,” Tali said quietly.

            And then Legion was making them pull away from the ledge Shepard stood on, alone, in front of a damn Reaper.

            _Damn it, Shepard. If you die here I’ll bring you back and kill you myself!_

            He had to have faith. No more doubts, right? But…

            _Just let his work out. Just this once. Let it work._

            “Missiles ready for launch,” EDI said.

            There was an explosion, a hit to the Reaper.

            It shook it off, though. Kaidan’s view was obstructed, of course, but he could understand what everyone was saying. It wasn’t over yet, Shepard was out there alone, and he was stuck here, where it was _safe_.

            Another explosion. And another.

            The Reaper was… weakening?

            _It’s… working?_

            Maybe it would be okay, after all. That knot in his stomach, those steel bands around his lungs, loosened and unknotted and he could breathe a little easier.

            _Let it work. C’mon._

            Five times! Five attacks on the Reaper, with the whole fleet combined with the Normandy, and finally, _finally_ , the Reaper collapsed.

            _It’s over?_

            Legion circled back around toward Shepard’s last known location, and landed. Kaidan and Tali climbed out to find Shepard standing on a ledge overlooking the fallen Reaper, alive and… unharmed?

            The Reaper was… talking to him? Kaidan couldn’t hear it or understand it from here, but he was getting closer to Shepard now, as was Tali.

            The Reaper’s red eye went dark and it went quiet as Kaidan and Tali finally made it to Shepard.

            “Now they can rest in peace,” was all Kaidan heard of that conversation, Shepard’s final words to the Reaper, before the commander turned toward him and Tali.

            Kaidan looked the commander up and down. He looked okay, save for a few places where scrapes and cuts could be seen, with a bit of blood. But there was light in the blue eyes which were once dim, and Shepard looked… _happy_.

            _Well who wouldn’t be happy? Just took down a damn Reaper. On foot!_

            “We did it,” Tali said, walking to stand next to Shepard on the edge. “We killed a Reaper! Keelah…”

            “We can confirm the geth are no longer being directed by the Old Machines,” Legion said, startling Kaidan because he’d forgotten about the geth. Legion approached them, coming into view now. “We are free.”

            “You did it, Shepard,” said one of the quarian admirals. “The geth fleet has stopped firing. They’re completely vulnerable.”

            _Why do I not like that tone…_

            “Shepard-Commander,” Legion said, stepping forward as Shepard turned to face him, Tali and Kaidan on either side of him. “The geth only acted in defense after the creators attacked. Do we deserve death?”

            “What are you suggesting?” Shepard asked curiously.

            “Our upgrades,” Legion said. “With the Old Machine dead, we could upload them to all geth, without sacrificing their independence.”

            _Is he suggesting… what I think he’s suggesting…_

            “You want to upload the Reaper code?” Tali asked, shocked.

            _Guess so._

            “That would make the geth as smart as when the Reapers were controlling them!” Tali said, shaking her head.

            “Yes,” Legion agreed calmly, “but with free will. Each geth unit would be true intelligence.” He looked at Shepard. “We would be alive. We could help you.”

            “Our fleet is already attacking! Uploading the code would destroy us!” Tali said, looking at Shepard. Though Kaidan couldn’t see her face very well, through that mask, he could see the desperation, hear it in her voice. “Shepard! You can’t choose the geth over my people!”

            “Do you remember the question that caused the creators to attack us, Tali’Zorah?” Legion asked, causing her to glance at him. He looked at Shepard. “Does this unit have a soul?”

            Kaidan watched, confused and worried, as Shepard thought it over, before finally shaking his head.

            “Upload the code to the geth.” He looked at Tali. “Tali, call off the fleet if you can.”

            _Wait, what? What are you doing, Shepard?_

            _No doubts, remember?_

_But… but… No. Shepard wouldn’t put Tali’s people in jeopardy. This will work._

            It had to, right?

            Legion walked to the edge and began uploading the code. “Uploading. 10%.”

            “This is Admiral Tali’Zorah,” Tali said, “all units break off your attack!”

            “Belay that order!” ordered that one quarian asshole who thought attacking a geth dreadnaught with them still on board was a good idea. Kaidan clenched his hands into fists at his sides. He hated that guy. “Continue the attack!”

            “20%,” Legion said.

            “I beg you,” Tali said desperately to Legion, “do not do this! _Please_.”

            “We regret the deaths of the Creators,” Legion said slowly. “But… we see no alternative.”

            _Shepard, you have to stop this._

            But he could see the confusion. Legion proved the geth had minds of their own, free will, self-preservation… just like humans, right? And other aliens. And now Shepard was being asked to choose between the two species – geth or quarian.

            _How does he do it? I could never…_

            He was almost afraid to find out what would happen next but he had to stay, couldn’t leave, couldn’t abandon this fight.

            Both Tali and Legion had a point. Legion had a right to desire the safety of his kind, right? The free will of his kind. And Tali had a right to ask for the safety of her fleet, as well. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place and Kaidan didn’t know what to do…

            “40%,” Legion said.

            Shepard’s eyes narrowed in determination. “No. Nobody else dies today. Legion, keep going.”

            _Shepard?_

            “Shepard?” Tali asked shakily.

            “All ships,” Shepard said to the quarian fleet, “this is Commander Shepard. The Reaper is dead. Stand down.”

            “This is Admiral Tali’Zorah. Shepard speaks with my authority.”

            “And mine as well,” said another admiral, probably the one Shepard saved earlier on Rannoch.

            “Negative!” said that asshole Kaidan hated. “We can win this war now! Keep firing!”

            “60%,” Legion said.

            Shepard growled under his breath. “The geth are about to return to full strength. If you keep attacking, they’ll wipe you out! Your entire history is you trying to kill the geth. You forced them to rebel. You forced them to ally with the Reapers!”

            “80%.”

            “The geth don’t want to fight you,” Shepard said.

            _C’mon. Listen to him._

            “If you can believe that for just one moment, this war will be over,” the commander continued.

            Silence for a moment.

            “You have a choice,” Shepard said. Then, quietly, “Keelah se’lai.”

            Kaidan wasn’t sure what that meant but he knew Tali said it a lot. It had a meaning to the quarians and he hoped it helped here.

            There was an agonizing silence for a few seconds.

            Finally, that asshole replied, “All units… hold fire.”

            And Shepard smiled.

            It was over. It… worked out… somehow.

            _I can’t believe it…_

            “Error,” Legion said, dragging their attention to him. “Copying code is insufficient. Direct personality dissimination required.”

            _What? What’s that even mean?_

            Legion seemed almost… sad? Was that possible?

            “Shepard-Commander,” he said, looking at him. “I must go to them. I’m… sorry. It’s… the only way.”

            _Sorry? Go?_

            Shepard and Tali seemed to understand, though, because Shepard’s smile was long gone and Tali stepped toward the geth. “Legion… the answer to your question was ‘yes’.”

            “I know, Tali,” Legion said, and Kaidan felt that if the geth could smile, he would be doing so now. “But thank you. Keelah se’lai.”

            And then he looked away, and toppled forward, motionless.

            Kaidan blinked down at the motionless form of… what? Not a friend. Comrade? Fellow soldier? He looked down at a piece of metal which Tali said definitely had a soul.

            And he felt… sad.

            _I’m sorry. For doubting you._

            _Keelah se’lai._

 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mainly covers the side mission to go to the monastery where you meet with Samara again. There's a log of in-game dialogue, but also some of my own doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize some things might be OOC, but the game can be played in a variety of ways, with different conversations, personalities, etc. So, I hope it still sounds okay. As the story continues more non-canon dialogue will be added, along with scenes like that of Go Fish and everything. I've never written fanfiction outside of Supernatural, so this was very new for me. While it was written earlier this year, back in April, it's still a first time for me. I'm also not very good with sci-fi-esque storytelling, and I realize some things might be wrong when it concerns some things done in the game and everything. I still hope it sounds okay, though :) This story is also posted on Fanfiction, along with its sequel, Vindicated.

Chapter Eleven

 

The alliance between the geth and the quarians seemed all the more amazing than the one between the krogan and the turians. Either way, though, they were all working together right now, toward a common goal, helping each other…

            He wasn’t sure how Shepard did it, but he managed it and here they were.

            Kaidan couldn’t stop smiling as Tali gushed over the help the geth were giving her and her kind, after she finally returned to the ship. She said she would be joining them until the Reapers were gone; then she would focus on her home world. Protect it first, then help it.

            The geth wound up being very helpful in rebuilding Rannoch. From he’d heard, in the span of a few days they’d already made tremendous progress in creating homes, getting food, etc.

            Kaidan was happy it all worked out. Legion was gone, but not really. He gave up his… soul? His what? He didn’t know. Anyway, Legion sacrificed himself so that he could transmit the free will to all geth around them, make them true intelligences. It killed him in the process, and Kaidan felt bad about not trusting him before, but they gave him a proper burial.

            Shepard certainly made sure of that.

            So, yes, things worked out for once. It was shocking, in a way. Things never went right for them… but this time… maybe…

            “Kaidan,” a feminine voice said, causing him to stiffen and glance over to find EDI approaching him. He still wasn’t used to that body. It tried to kill him.

            “EDI,” he replied, the two of them now sitting in the mess. It was empty save for them. She sat across from him. “Something on your mind? Is that the correct way to ask you?”

            She smiled. “There is no precisely ‘correct’ way, Kaidan. And that is not why I am here.”

            “Alright… why are you here? Shepard okay?”

            “Yes,” EDI said, and Kaidan felt himself relax somewhat. “He is fine. In fact right now I believe he and James are ‘dancing’.”

            Kaidan blinked. “Dancing?” he echoed.

            “I do not know what they call it that. All they do is try to punch each other.”

            Kaidan shrugged. “It’s a marine thing. What did you want?”

            “Oh, right. I believe someone has feelings for me but he has yet to act on them,” she said, sounding somewhat puzzled. Meanwhile Kaidan just stared at her, confused. “I spoke to Shepard about this and he told me to do something we both like. I have tried this but he does not like to leave the ship for any length of time. It is hard.”

            “What are you talking about?”

            She frowned. “Shepard did not tell you?”

            “Tell me what?”

            “I see,” she said. “I believe that Jeff has feelings for me yet he has not acted upon them.”

            “Joker?” Kaidan asked. “You… want to be in a relationship with Joker?”

            Joker was a nice guy under all the snark and sarcasm, but still. What the hell?

            _And things just get weirder and weirder._

            “If that is the correct terminology, then yes,” EDI said. “How did you enter into one with Shepard?”

            That caught him off guard. “ _What?”_

            Did she just…?

            _What the hell…?_

            “You and Shepard,” she said, like it was simple. Maybe it was in her super brain but Kaidan was pretty damn confused. “You two are not in an amorous relationship?”

            “Relationship? What?”

            “Kaidan, please do not attempt to lie to me. You aren’t very good at it.”

            “I’m not lying,” Kaidan said, staring at her.

            “You two like each other,” EDI said with a shrug. “It’s simple. Everyone knows. I thought even you had figured it out but perhaps Jeff is right – humans in love are among the most dense.”

            And then she stood and walked away, like she was never in the first place, like she didn’t just shatter his reality for the time being.

            _What the hell was that all about?_

           

He had little time to dwell on her words, though, because before too long, they were heading back to the Citadel. They needed to check in with the Council, according to Shepard, and get some supplies, and everyone could use a little break.

            _Break, huh?_

            Kaidan thought back to EDI’s words. Normally he would have denied them, but suddenly it all made sense. The way he felt so torn when he was around Shepard; why he felt more than a little upset at the fact it looked like Tali and Shepard were together on Rannoch...

            It made sense in a way it hadn’t before. Kaidan would never lie to himself and say he _didn’t_ have feelings for the commander, but that did not mean he had to openly acknowledge them. After all, there was no way to act on them. While technically Shepard’s superior in rank, Shepard was in charge of this crew and thus in charge of Kaidan as well, and there were a million regs against fraternization.

            A thousand reasons not to try anything with those around you, those you work with because if it ends badly…

            _If it ends badly people could really die._

            And that was why he was left in a place of confusion. Yes, he acknowledged the existence of these feelings, realized they must have been around for a while now, but that did not mean he had the power to act on them, nor the authority to do so. It was no his place to say anything to the commander about this, act on those feelings in any way. The two would simply continue to be friends.

            He could live with that.

            He was startled from his thoughts as the door to his room whirred open and Shepard stormed in somewhat angrily. Kaidan jumped to his feet.

            “Commander,” he said.

            “I’m gonna kill him,” Shepard fumed.

            “Kill who? And why?”

            _What happened?_

            “Vega! He…! He’s a dead man.”

            “What happened?” Kaidan asked as the commander paced back and forth in front of the large window.

            “He apparently made some kind of bet!”

            “What kind of bet? Maybe you should sit?”

            “I’ll sit when I feel like it!” Shepard snapped, and then stopped pacing and frowned at him. “Sorry, Kaidan. Yeah, I’ll sit.” He sat down and Kaidan sat next to him, wondering what the heck was going on.

            “What kind of bet are we talking about?” he asked.

            “He’s making bets with Cortez about how long it will be until I get laid,” Shepard said, gaze downcast, words almost a whine as he all but pouted. Kaidan fought the urge to laugh.

            _And how long will that be?_

_Hey. Shut up, Mind._

            “I see… and why is he doing this?” Kaidan couldn’t help but ask, unable to fight off the smile on his face.

            Shepard tossed him a quick glare. “Don’t enjoy this, dammit.”

            “I would never dream of it, Commander.”

            “I hate you.”

            Once upon a time those words would have hurt, but Kaidan knew where they stood, at least for now. They were friends, and those words were not true, merely a joke of sorts, because of his smiling.

            “No you don’t.”

            Shepard groaned and leaned back into the couch cushions. “I told him he was on clean up duty for a week.”

            “Ouch. How’d he take it?”

            “He said Cortez was winning their bet because I haven’t apparently been laid yet.”

            Kaidan couldn’t stop the laugh this time. And then he couldn’t stop. He laughed until his stomach hurt, and it felt so damn good to just laugh for a while, instead of worrying about the future, about this war and everything in it.

            Shepard smirked at him. “I thought I said not to enjoy this. My suffering.”

            “Not enjoying it,” Kaidan said. “Just appreciating it, sir.”

            Shepard groaned. “Sir? Really, K? I thought we moved past the titles.”

            Kaidan smiled. “Sorry, Ryan.”

            _It’s just sometimes hard to know when it’s okay to call you what._

            The two sat in silence for a moment, looking out the large window into the vast emptiness of space. Some would find it daunting, but Kaidan found it relaxing and peaceful. Each star represented a system with who knew how many worlds around it, and there were thousands of them off in the distance, twinkling back at them.

            Even in space they weren’t alone. No one was ever really alone, were they?

            Shepard stood, drawing Kaidan’s attention back to him. “I should go.”

            Kaidan nodded despite the fact he felt the urge to say something, do something, though he had no idea what. There was a flutter in his chest when Shepard looked at him and now that he understood it, it just put him a little on edge. Yes, he cared about that commander, but so did a lot of people. He could not, would not, act on those feelings. It would only lead to trouble in the long run.

            _But what if there isn’t a long run?_

            Kaidan often ignored those dark thoughts from the negative part of his mind, but now he listened, and chewed on his lower lip as he watched Shepard leave the room.

            _What if there isn’t a tomorrow? What if something happens? Would you be okay if this was all there was? No regrets?_

            _What are you saying?_

_If you died tomorrow, would you be satisfied with how things are?_

_Why wouldn’t I be?_

_You want something more. Don’t deny it._

            Alright. Then he wouldn’t.

            But he also wouldn’t act on it. He was happy being friends again, happy to not be alone…

 

            “Alright, people, change of plans,” Shepard said while down in the shuttle bay. “We’ve been asked to investigate an asari monastery. We’re not sure what to expect.”

            “Well, you know I’m in,” Garrus said.

            Shepard smirked. “Of course. Something might need calibrated while we’re there.”

            That caused a few laughs from the crew.

            “You laugh now,” Garrus said, “but one of these days calibration is going to save you.”

            “Uh huh,” Shepard said somewhat skeptically. “Anyone else?”

            “I’ll go,” Kaidan said.

            Anything was better than waiting, after all.

            Even if they were going in blind again. It would give him something to think about other than…

            Well. Other than a lot of things.

 

_Ardat-Yakshi._

            The word seemed to have meaning to Shepard, who stiffened at the mention of it, but Kaidan was confused.

            _What the hell is that and why does it sound bad?_

            Whatever the reason, this monastery was full of them. Apparently there was a bomb here, which needed to go off as a last resort. Ardat-Yakshi must have been very dangerous, then. He wasn’t sure what to think about that.

            They landed and made it into the elevator shaft. Screeches could be heard in the distance, more than one of… whatever it was, making the noise. Kaidan’s spine stiffened at the sound, the screech seemingly ripping through him. Maybe his biotics enhanced it, or something, but he left his ears ringing and his head throbbing. Judging from the way Shepard stiffened and muttered something under his breath, it seemed to be affecting him, too.

            _Messing with biotics, then. Garrus seems fine._

            _I have a bad feeling about this._

            He had a lot of bad feelings and often times they proved right. He just knew something was going to go wrong here.

            But he followed after Shepard nevertheless.

            _If you’re going through hell, keep going._

            Shepard was the light in the tunnel of uncertainty. He was in control, calm and collected as always, the picture of ease as he moved through the darkness. Kaidan tried to copy that but wound up knocking his knee against something on the ground, which almost made him fall over.

            “I heard something,” Shepard said.

            “I, um, tripped… sorry,” Kaidan said sheepishly.

            Garrus clapped him on the back, nearly causing him to gasp in shock because he was a little on edge here, with the screeching all around them. “Nice one, Kaidan.”

            “Shut up,” Kaidan said back. “It’s dark.”

            “And loud,” Garrus agreed as they continued following after Shepard, who was looking around the dark room as best he could. This area was large and open and yet also strangely empty, which didn’t seem right at all.

            “What’s an Ardat-Yakshi?” he finally asked.

            “Asari mutation or something like that,” Garrus replied from next to him. “They’re almost overpowered. They kill whoever they sleep with. Shepard here almost learned that the hard way.”

            “Shut up,” Shepard said from somewhat ahead of them. “I wasn’t going to sleep with her, I was luring her into a trap. Big difference.”

            “What was it you said? ‘I can’t think’?”

            “Garrus. You want clean up duty with James?”

            “Right, sorry. Shutting up now.”

            Kaidan shook his head, still uncertain about the situation. So, Ardat-Yakshi were asari mutations, of some sort, and were considered dangerous. Thus the monastery, apparently, and Shepard faced one before. That was all he’d managed to gather from this conversation.

            There would be time for questions later, though. Right now they needed to focus on the job at hand.

            _Right. Focus. I can do that._

            They came across a body on the ground.

            Kaidan walked around it and picked up the data pad next to it, wondering if it held any possible answers.

            “Reapers,” Garrus said quietly, looking at another dead body further away. “Looks like we know why the commando teams went silent.”

            “This monastery’s out of the way,” Shepard said. “What do the Reapers want with Ardat-Yakshi?” He shook his head and looked at Kaidan. “Anything useful?”

            “A floor plan marked with the nav point location of the bomb,” he replied, putting the data pad back down. “It’s inside the Great Hall.”

            “Commandos want this place gone pretty badly,” Garrus said, and Kaidan nodded.

            _Looks like it._

            “Ardat-Yakshi or not,” Shepard said slowly, “evacuating this place would have saved a lot of lives.”

            Kaidan looked down that the body on the ground, the asari who tried to run but didn’t quite make it.

            “Yeah… a lot of lives.”

            “If there’s not survivors let’s get to the Great Hall and set off that bomb,” Shepard sighed, walking away from the body, through a doorway. Kaidan and Garrus followed after him.

            They made it to a door they had to bypass. When it finally opened they walked through and heard bodies drop on the floor below, as they were on the balcony. They walked to the edge and found an asari standing down there, looking up at them.

            “Very good,” she complimented them, eyes focused on Shepard. “I almost didn’t hear you.”

            “Samara,” Shepard said with a smile.

            _Samara. I know that name. She was with him when they attacked the Collectors._

            “It has been some time, Shepard,” Samara said, watching him. “You are a most welcome sight. The corruption here runs deep.”

            “What brings a justicar out here?” Garrus asked.

            “My daughters have lived here for centuries, Garrus,” Samara replied.

            _Her daughters are Ardat-Yakshi?_

            “I’ve come for them,” she continued. “Unfortunately, the Reapers had already infested this place by the time I arrived.”

            “Let’s go together,” Shepard said. “Maybe your daughters can tell us why the Reapers hit this place.”

            “I suspect they will have much to tell us,” Samara said with a nod. “It has been centuries since I last saw them.”

            _Centuries? How do you go so long without seeing your kids?_

            A loud screech echoed off the wall. Samara frowned at them even as Kaidan and Shepard stiffened, biotics flaring to life around them. They both had the unique ability of barrier, and thus their biotics wrapped around them like a welcome, protective blanket.

            “We’re out of time,” Samara said.

            They drew their weapons.

            Biotics flared to life around the asari justicar. “We’ll meet again. I will draw these creatures off,” she said as she walked under them, toward a doorway they couldn’t see.

            “Wait!” Shepard said, but it was too late. She was already gone through the door way and they were stuck up here. “Let’s go.”

            The three hurried off to the side and through a doorway, finally down some stairs.

            “I haven’t seen any survivors,” Shepard said quietly as they walked down the stairs, around a small corner.

            “Me neither,” Kaidan murmured. “I bet most of them were civilians.”

            _Why’s it always civilians._ _They didn’t ask for this._

            A loud screech echoed around them. Something appeared in the distance on the far side of the room, beyond the mild bits of shrubbery in the center. Kaidan’s eyes widened even as his biotics flared around him, almost like the creature was calling to him though he wasn’t sure how or why.

            _Focus._

            “What is that?” he asked as the… _thing_ used a biotic jump to pretty much teleport toward them, jump by jump.

            It moved quickly, whatever it was, and had a powerful barrier which was hard to break through, especially with it jumping everywhere like it was. It raised one of its claw-like hands and shot some kind of energy orb at the commander, who jumped out of the way. To Kaidan’s shock the orb actually followed him, chased after him, and managed to hit him.

            Bits of the energy sparked to life around the commander, causing Shepard to growl under his breath. “Don’t let it hit you,” he warned.

            “You okay? What happened?” Kaidan asked.

            “It’s… degenerative,” Shepard replied, gritting his teeth.

            _It… almost looks like… reave?_

            Reave was an ability he’d finally mastered, but he knew its affects. Degenerative, as the commander said, draining health from the target and disrupting their resistances to incoming attacks.

            “Commander?”

            “I’m fine.” Finally the telltale signs of the energy died away and the commander relaxed a little before he settled Kaidan with a glare. “Don’t let it hit you.”

            _Right. Okay. Dodge the thing that wants to chase you. Got it._

            It took a while, and a few of Shepard’s biotic charges combined with novas – _definitely berating you for that later, dammit –_ but finally the… _thing_ collapsed and faded to ashes, dead. It released one final screech as it all but vanished from in front of them as though it had never been there to begin with.

            The three surrounded the ashes on the ground.

            “What the hell is that?” Kaidan asked.

            “No idea,” Shepard said. “Almost looked like an asari…”

            Kaidan frowned and thought about it. “Yeah, kind of. Mutated.”

            “Alright, so… the Reapers are here to… what? Make mutated asaris?”

            “We can worry about that later,” Garrus said. “Isn’t there are a bomb we should be worrying about?”

            “Right,” Shepard said. “Let’s go.”

            He led the way toward the doorway, where they were trying to go in the first place.

            They made it through the doorway and saw an asari running from something. She turned, breathless, and used one of her biotic abilities against an incoming cannibal but there were a lot and she appeared exhausted. Samara dropped down in front of her, though, and finished off the cannibals.

            “Mother,” gasped the other asari. “You came!”

            “As soon as I was able,” Samara said, looking back at… her daughter. “Shepard. This is Felare. My youngest. Her and her sister Rila are Ardat-Yakshi.”

            “Mother, they have Rila!” Felare said, eyes wide with a hint of desperation. Asari could act all high and mighty all they wanted but fear was universal, especially when involving loved ones and family.

            “What?” Samara asked.

            “I saw some of those creatures take her into the Great Hall,” Felare said. “I’ve been trying to get there.”

            “What are the Reapers doing here?” Shepard asked.

            “Harvesting us,” Felare said quietly, leading them toward the body of one of those… _things_. “Turning us into… into _those_. Monsters.” She looked back at Shepard. “ _Please_ , you can’t let that happen to Rila.”

            _Poor thing. She’s scared._

            Who wouldn’t be?

            “We need to find Rila fast,” Shepard said. “The bomb we’re looking for is in the Great Hall.”

            “A… bomb?” Felare asked, frowning. “What…? Didn’t you come to rescue people?”

            “We’ll try,” Shepard said calmly. “But we can’t leave this place standing.”

            “You sound like the commandos,” Felare accused. “They didn’t stop to help anyone.”

            “Felare,” Samara said in that ‘mind yourself’ tone mothers often had.

            Felare looked at her and sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said sincerely, before she turned and jumped off the edge of the balcony they all stood on.

            _How many levels does this place have?_

            They watched her float down using her biotics.

            _Why can’t I do that?_

            He looked at the commander.

            _Can you?_

            He doubted it. The commander liked using his biotics in combat – if he could levitate and float like that he would have done so by now. There were plenty of places it could have come in handy.

            “The Great Hall,” Samara said, biotics glowing around her as she moved toward the edge. “She’s looking for Rila.”

            And over she went, too, floating down.

            “We’ll meet you there,” Shepard said, shaking his head as he moved to go around the _normal_ way, using stairs like a normal person.

            “Please be swift,” Samara said before she turned and left the room, heading through a doorway on the ground.

            There was a door off to the right. They went through it and were confronted by reaper forces, cannibals and mauraders.

            After that battle, they finally made it downstairs, and through the doorway, into an elevator.

            _Goddamn elevators._

            They took it up and finally made it into the Great Hall. At the far end, leaning against a podium of sorts, leaned a motionless asari, with Felare and Samara leaning over her.

            They moved toward them.

            “Rila? Rila, can you hear me?” Felare asked.

            Rila opened her eyes, looking groggy and a little out of it, but alive. Felare smiled and stood, grabbing her sister’s arm and hauling her to her feet.

            _Good. Something went right for once._

            Rila scrubbed her hands over her face. When she removed them, her eyes were now nothing but big black orbs, like she was possessed.

            _Or not._

            Rila surged forward and wrapped her hands around her sister’s neck. Felare responded by shoving her away violently, causing Rila to topple to the ground.

            “Why did she do that?” Felare asked, confused.

            _Oh no._

            “They had already begun to turn her,” Samara said calmly.

            _How can you be calm about this? They basically brainwashed your daughter!_

            There was no way to _un_ -brainwash them, was there? At least not that Kaidan had seen thus far, there wasn’t. Anyone who was ‘indoctrinated’ remained that way until they were killed. There was no hope. There was…

            “I’m sorry,” Shepard said quietly, coming up behind Samara, who stood next to Felare.

            There was a moment of silence before Shepard turned back toward Kaidan and Garrus.

            “Can we set off that bomb?” he asked.

            _Tough call. What now?_

            “Not without a detonator,” Kaidan said quietly.

            “Commandos would have had one,” Shepard said. “We’ve got to find it.”

            Kaidan nodded and began looking around the bomb, trying to find anything that resembled a detonator, while Shepard did the same a few feet away.

            Screeches cut them off. Kaidan’s head snapped up, ice coursing through his veins as two of those creatures appeared from across the room, using biotic jumps to close in on them rapidly.

            The next few minutes were a blur of action, those odd biotic orbs being shot at them as the two creatures closed in around them. Their barriers were high and they had an army of husks with them as well.

            “What’s the plan?” Garrus asked.

            “You two focus on that one, I’ll focus on this one,” Shepard said, gesturing at the two creatures. “Keep the husks off you.”

            “Commander-” Kaidan started but was cut off as Shepard shoved him one way while he dove another as one of the creatures jumped toward them, sharp claws slicing through where they previously stood.

            He lost sight of the commander in the next few minutes, focusing on the creature coming after him and Garrus. While it focused on Garrus Kaidan shot the hell out of it, and it grew angry and turned toward him. In the face of its anger and its jumps nothing he did seemed to work. One of those odd orbs hit him and he groaned, pain echoing through him as it began to eat through his armor.

            _Is this what Shepard meant?_

            It did finally stop, though, just in time for another orb to be shot at him. This time he managed to duck behind cover at the last possible second, causing the blast to miss him. Garrus continued firing at it from behind, getting in close to set up a proximity mine. The creature rounded on him angrily and picked him up, lifting him off the ground.

            Kaidan knew nothing good could come from that.

            With a growl he charged forward from his cover, using reave and whatnever else he could to attack the creature, get it to put Garrus back down. His bullets seemed to stagger it enough that it dropped him and Garrus scrambled for cover as it turned back toward Kaidan.

            Angry claws wrapped around him, lifting him into the air, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Pain sparked through him, the claws crushing in their might, biting through his armor as though it were nothing, cutting into his flesh, crushing, biting, burning-

            And then suddenly he was on the ground, dropped from the creature’s grasp. Gasping, he wrapped his arms around his middle, feeling blood ooze through the cuts. His vision blurred but he managed to drag his gaze around enough to see Shepard standing in front of him now, having used a biotic charge to dislodge the creature’s hold.

            “Get him out of here,” Shepard growled to Garrus. “To the barrier.”

            “Shepard-” Kaidan tried, but wound up coughing for his efforts. Everything ached and it was surprisingly hard to breathe.

            “Now, Garrus!” Shepard snapped, using a nova to push the creature back. From around the corner appeared the second creature, appearing at least mostly dead, thankfully, but still moving nevertheless.

            Garrus grabbed Kaidan and hauled him to his feet, leading him away from the battle.

            “Wait-” Kaidan tried.

            “Shh,” Garrus said as he led him away, leaving Shepard behind to take care of those _things_.

            _Outnumbered. Two of them against one._

            “I’m fine,” he said despite his wheezing breaths as everything spun around him.

            “You will be,” Garrus said, sitting him down next to Rila and the others, inside their little biotic bubble barrier which Samara was holding up. The turian knelt next to him, waving his omni-tool over him, checking the damage.

            “Bruised ribs and some cuts, you’ll be sore but fine,” he said.

            Kaidan gritted his teeth as the medi-gel began to take effect, ice over burns, his sense of pain dying away. “Shepard?”

            There was the dying screech of one of the creatures, and then silence.

            Kaidan scrambled to sit up but Garrus pushed him back down.

            From around the corner appeared Shepard, leaning heavily against a pillar, sweat and blood dotting his brow but he was alive and the creatures were dead. He limped toward them, holding a hand firmly to his side.

            “You okay?”

            Kaidan scowled. “I’m fine.”

            “He will be fine,” Garrus confirmed. “How are you? Manage to get hurt in my absence?”

            Shepard rolled his eyes. The simple act caused relief to echo through the sentinel, because it was a normal act, meant Shepard was okay enough to act normally. He was okay. They were all okay. Still alive and able to fight.

            Kaidan followed Shepard’s gaze toward Rila, who was resting peacefully on the ground for the time being. She seemed to be waking, though. Felare hovered over her worriedly. Kaidan pushed himself to his feet and was surprised no one stopped him this time. Instead Shepard simply tossed him a semi-stern look before returning his focus to the down asari and the bomb.

            Rila woke and got to her feet as though nothing happened. Felare stood at her side.

            This time when the asari opened her eyes they weren’t black, but the blue from before.

            “Felare, go,” Rila said hurriedly. “Take the elevator.”

            “Rila, what are you…?” Felare started, but was cut off as Rila grabbed for her sister’s hands, showing her the detonator she held in her own.

            “It’s too late for me,” Rila said quietly. “There are hundreds coming. Just go!”

            Felare stared down at the detonator and shook her head.

            _Jesus. She’s really going to do it, isn’t she?_

            She was going to sacrifice herself, lure the creatures toward her and them blow them all to hell while they got away.

            Samara looked at her daughter for a long moment before she nodded and turned, walking away. Shepard was left to grab a reluctant Felare and haul her toward the elevator while Garrus helped Kaidan toward it despite the fact the sentinel was _fine_.

            “No!” Felare cried, struggling against Shepard.

            _Is it safe to have him haul her around? She is a powerful biotic…_

            Shepard seemed to have it under control though. A part of Kaidan couldn’t help but think it should have been the mother’s job to draw her daughter away, instead of Shepard.

            “I love you,” Rila said quietly.

            _Jesus, she’s really doing it._

            They climbed into the elevator. Shepard punched the button and the doors closed just as Felare broke free of his grip. She stumbled against the doors and pounded at them with open palms, staring at them in disbelief.

            A few seconds later there was the telltale sounds of an explosion somewhere below them. The elevator shook. Kaidan looked around, wondering if this elevator was sturdy enough to hold them but it seemed like it was because they kept moving.

            Felare cried against the doors. Shepard put a comforting hand on her shoulder while Samara remained oddly quiet.

            Kaidan didn’t know what to do or say so he did nothing and remained quiet, averting his gaze toward the ground. It was not his place to look at others’ pain.

            Finally the elevator stopped and the doors opened. Felare and Samara stepped out, Shepard following after them. Kaidan and Garrus brought up the rear, mostly staying back toward the wall. It was not their place to intervene here.

            Kaidan wasn’t paying attention to the conversation – it wasn’t his place, after all – until Shepard lunged forward and pulled Samara’s hands behind her back. She’d had a gun to her temple for some reason. Kaidan pushed away from the wall, ignoring the small burst of pain, and stepped toward them.

            “Let go,” Samara said, the promise of lethality in her voice.

            Shepard didn’t waver, though. “What are you doing?”

            “Fullfilling the code,” Samara said like it was simple.

            “By throwing your life away?” Shepard asked incredulously.

            “I will not kill my last daughter.”

            _What?_

            “You won’t have to,” Felare said quietly, stepping forward, toward them.

            “Felare?” Samara asked.

            Shepard released his hold on her arms, seemingly satisfied she wouldn’t try to shoot herself again. Kaidan watched, curious, confused and worried all in one.

            “I’ll stay here,” Felare said slowly. “Home. No matter what’s become of it.”

            “Without a proper monastery…” Samara said.

            “I could have left at any time,” Felare said sincerely. “I don’t need a building to honor my own code. And if the Reapers return… they won’t take me alive. I promise.”

            _What kind of persuasive speech is this?_

            He didn’t understand it, but it seemed to have meaning to both Felare and Samara. That was what mattered here, not his understanding of it.

            “Then…” Samara said finally, quietly, “the code permits you to stay. As you are.”

            Felare moved in for a hug, wrapping her arms around her mother. Samara stood there, rigid as ever, before she finally brought her arms up around her as well.

            “Once this war is over,” she said calmly, “and if I am able… I will visit. As a justicar should.”

            _Not as a mother?_

            “I’d understand if you wanted to help Felare rebuild a home here,” Shepard said, stepping toward the two of them as they stopped hugging.

            “It must wait, now that I can help oppose the Reapers,” Samara said, like it was all so very simple. “I’ll speak with Felare… then join your forces. If you’ll have me, of course.”

            Shepard nodded. “I’d be honored.”

            “The honor is mine,” Samara said. “My friend.”

            Then she turned back toward her daughter and Shepard turned toward Kaidan and Garrus.

            “Everything’s taken care of down here,” he said into the comm link. “Bring in the shuttle.”

            They were leaving here, finally. If Kaidan ever saw one of those mutated asari again… it would be far too soon.

            The Reapers were ingenious and ruthless in their work at the monastery.

            _Poor Rila._

            Genius and ruthless.

            _I’m sorry._

 


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize this sounds ramble-y. No, I don't intend to fix it. ;)

Chapter Twelve

 

_Hey Shepard,_

_I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a little breather. Next time we’re on the Citadel, let me buy you dinner. We should try Apollo’s. It’s that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium._

Kaidan read the message over twice before he finally sighed and hit send. After dealing with the Ardat-Yakshi, a little breather sounded nice, and he’d heard Apollo’s was good even though he hadn’t been there since they rebuilt the place.

            His ribs were still a little bruised but otherwise he could move just fine. The scratches and cuts healed quickly. They were currently heading toward a fuel station due to the fuel used to get to the monastery, and then probably the Citadel, but no one really knew for sure. For all they knew they’d get another call and be sent somewhere else to help someone.

            It seemed everyone wanted help but no one wanted _to_ help.

            _People get selfish in times of war. It’s understandable._

            Even so, there was one person he hadn’t seen be selfish this entire time, and that was Shepard. Shepard helped whoever asked, whenever he could. He never asked for anything in return, never declared a job too insignificant to do, never turned anyone away…

            It was admirable, but also… distracting, in a way. It was hard to completely focus on the war and stopping the Reapers when they kept getting called in to do side missions, usually involving Cerberus. They were more annoying than Kaidan remembered. He’d never liked them, true, but now they just seemed so horrible. How had the Alliance let it get this far? Maybe if they had stepped in sooner, done something about it instead of simply running their tests and letting Cerberus have free reign…

            Well. There was no point in wondering what might have been and what could have happened. There was nothing anyone could do about it right now.

            If more people in the galaxy were like Shepard…

            _Then we might not even be in this mess._

            _Ding_.

            He looked at his laptop, forgotten next to him on the small table. He was sitting in one of the long, comfortable chairs in the back of the room. Shepard often commented on them whenever he was in here even though he still said Kaidan should get a bed if he was going to insist on taking over this room.

            Couches were comfortable, though.

            He glanced at the message.

            _You wanna buy me dinner?_

_Shepard._

            Kaidan rolled his eyes.

            _What, you wanna pay? I’m more than happy to let you buy me dinner._

_Kaidan._

            He shook his head and tried to get back to his report, which he kept putting off. He really needed to finish it but honestly, so many distractions…

            _Ding._

            _You can totally buy me dinner. It’s a date._

_Shepard._

            Kaidan blinked at the message and reread it. Sarcasm and humor were hard to discern via extranet messages.

            _Ding._

            Another one?

            _How are you feeling?_

_Shepard._

            Kaidan shook his head.

            _You worried about me?_

_Kaidan._

_Ding._

_Is there a reason I should be?_

_Shepard._

            Kaidan sighed and rolled his eyes.

            _I’m fine, clean bill of health._

_Kaidan._

_Ding._

_No medical red tape, huh?_

_PS: You don’t have to keep putting your name. I know it’s you._

            What a hypocrite.

            _I could say the same to you, Commander._

            Report. Right. Yeah, he really needed to finish that. He should probably turn off his laptop so he wasn’t tempted to-

            _Ding_.

            _Why, Major, I feel all tingly when you bring rank into this._

            Kaidan stared at that message. Honest to God stared at it, because he knew the commander wasn’t serious, but he couldn’t believe what he was reading, either. Again, sarcasm and humor were hard to discern via written – or typed – messages.

            He shrugged. _Why not?_

            _Is that so? I’ll keep that in mind, **sir**_.

            He couldn’t believe he was playing along with this. This was ridiculous.

            Reports. Right.

            _Ding._

            Damn it.

            _Sir? That ruined the mood, K. Now I feel old._

            This guy. This… this man. He was going to be death of him, he was sure of it.

            _How do you think I feel? You’re younger than me._

            Maybe that would hold him off for-

            _Ding._

            _How many gray hairs do you have, Major?_

Kaidan sighed. Really?

            _You’re being very distracting, Commander._

            _Ding._

_I can’t concentrate until you tell me about the gray hairs._

            Goddamn it. He should have closed the laptop. Now he couldn’t stop smiling. This was ridiculous.

            _You’re horrible, Shepard._

_Ding._

_You could stop responding at any time._

            That was… very true. Shepard must have had a lot of free time at the moment. Perhaps he was… bored? Could commanders get bored? Surely they could. They were people just like the rest of the crew. Kaidan got bored often enough, usually in the downtime between missions. Waiting could be stressful but also boring.

            Sometimes people just needed a friend to distract them for a little while.

            _Alright,_ he thought, _I’ll play along. For now._

            _Where are you? We could always talk in person._

            _Ding._

_In my cabin. Allers wants an interview so I’m getting ready. I might start talking about your gray hairs._

Kaidan couldn’t suppress the laugh.

            _Maybe I should come keep you from saying any such nonsense._

_Ding._

_Good, I thought I was going to have to lure you up here with some Serrice Ice Brandy._

Kaidan blinked because he’d mostly been joking. Was Shepard?

            _You want company?_

            The reply was slow in coming. Minutes ticked by and he was sure this conversation was over. Shepard was obviously joking and wasn’t serious. With a sigh he turned back to his reports.

            _Ding._

            His gaze moved toward the laptop.

            _I’d actually appreciate that, Kaidan._

            That seemed sincere enough. Kaidan nodded to himself and got to his feet, closing his laptop. He gazed at the data pad and his reports before shrugging and leaving the room.

            Some things were more important than reports.

            Friends, for instance.

            Commanders.

            _Shepard._

 

The elevator ride to Shepard’s cabin seemed shorter than before. Or maybe Kaidan was just a little nervous. After all this was the first time he’d been to the man’s cabin since he realized he did, in fact, have more than friendly feelings about the commander. He’d been pretty good at keeping his distance in that regard.

            But something seemed to be bothering Shepard. Who was he to deny the man a bit of companionship? He could keep his thoughts to himself for the time being.

            He knocked even though he wasn’t sure why he bothered. Shepard knew he was coming. The door slid open to reveal Shepard standing there, looking a little more haggard than usual. His skin was paler than Kaidan remembered it being, there were dark rings around his eyes and his eyes were dim and dull, not bright and alive like they had been before.

            “Shepard?” he asked, stepping into the room, the door closing behind him.

            Shepard scowled. “Kaidan.”

            “Sorry. Ryan. Are you okay?”

            “I’m fine.”

            “I don’t believe you.”

            Where was the humor from the messages? Why use humor in them when he looked as out of it as he did at the moment?

            “Have you been sleeping?” he found himself asking.

            “Define ‘sleep’,” Shepard said in response.

            Kaidan shook his head and gestured for the man to sit. Shepard sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Dr. Chakwas can give you a sedative, you know.”

            “It’s not ‘getting to sleep’ that’s the problem,” Shepard muttered, mostly to himself. Kaidan stood in front of him, though, close enough to easily pick up on the quiet words.

            “Dreams?” he asked.

            Shepard snorted. “The universe must be laughing right now.”

            “What? Why?”

            _Maybe I should call Chakwas…_

            “The great Commander Shepard,” Shepard said slowly, “taken out by nightmares.”

            “Nightmares, huh?”

            “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

            Kaidan shrugged. “Fair enough. You look like shit, though.”

            “Gee, thanks.”

            There was a long pause. Kaidan wasn’t exactly sure what to do with himself. Nothing seemed comfortable in this room at the moment. Shepard’s gaze was firmly focused on the ground, head bowed in what had to be exhaustion.

            “Are you all right?” he wound up asking again, sitting next to him on the bed. Sitting at the table seemed too far away at the moment, and sitting on the floor would be awkward. He couldn’t just stand there all awkwardly, either.

            “Doc says I’ll be fine in a few days.”

            “You’re not fine now?” Kaidan asked, a little shocked because he hadn’t heard about the commander being at less than one hundred percent health. Then guilt smashed into him because he hadn’t exactly been the best friend. He hadn’t even gone to see him after their last mission. Instead he’d stayed in his room, attempting to finish those damn reports and keep his thoughts to himself.

            _I am a horrible friend._

            Shepard shrugged. “She told me to keep the biotics offline for a bit.”

            _Good. No more charging around._

            “Why?” he asked instead of voicing his thoughts. “What’s wrong?”

            _And how did I not know something was wrong?_

            “Minor problem with my cybernetics,” Shepard said. “Boring stuff, really. I’ll be fine in a few days.”

            “Problem with your cybernetics?” Kaidan repeated, frowning. “You mean from where Cerberus… rebuilt you?” It was strange to talk about, and he never really had before. Not about the cybernetics and synthetic parts, anyway. Now he wished he’d asked so he knew what to think about this, what to say or ask or do. He was in the dark here.

            “The… well, I don’t think you heard but they’re calling those mutations ‘banshees’ now. Anyway, one of them clipped me on the side. Nothing major was hit, I was fine until later.”

            “What happened later?”

            “Fever,” Shepard said, lightly gesturing at his forehead. “Can’t sleep. Restless. It broke off something. Anyway, Chakwas is working on it. She said I’ll be fine in a few days if I lay off the biotics.”

            “Then why aren’t you resting right now?”

            “Because ‘sleep’ and I don’t exactly get along,” Shepard said, rolling his eyes. “And anyway, my health isn’t why you’re here.”

            “Why am I here?” Kaidan asked, because it was something he’d been wondering.

            Shepard went quiet, gaze locked on the floor.

            Silence surrounded them for a moment.

            “I don’t know,” the commander finally sighed, shaking his head. “I just… wanted company, I think.”

            “I see,” Kaidan said slowly, unsure what to say next. “Didn’t you say Allers was coming?”

            Shepard scowled. “She’s got a million questions about Rannoch and what happened. That woman is going to be the death of me.”

            Kaidan smirked and lightly clapped him on the shoulder. “It’s not that bad.”

            “Says you. She brought up my ties with Cerberus. Cerberus! On her stupid galaxy show…”

            Kaidan winced sympathetically. “Ouch. Backlash?”

            “None yet. But it was horrible. I can’t go anywhere without someone bringing it up.”

            “I’m… sorry.”

            “I wasn’t blaming you.”

            “I know. I’m still just… sorry.”

            Shepard offered him a faint smile. “You’re apologizing for apologizing?”

            “I don’t know. Sure.” He shook his head. “You’re confusing me.”

            _You do that a lot, actually._

            “Well… I don’t know when Allers is going to finally decide to get here,” Shepard said, “but we can play some cards until then, if you want.”

            _Olive branch._

            “Sounds good,” Kaidan said.

 

“I’m… sorry, if I’ve been off,” Shepard said after a few hands of Go Fish. The two didn’t speak the whole time except to ask for cards and whatnot. Hearing him speak again, out of the blue, was a little startling.

            Kaidan frowned at him.

            “I just… I’m not used to…” Shepard trailed off, as though searching for the words. Finally he shrugged and shook his head. “I’m not used to people _worrying_ about me. I guess. I’m not used to… having people care.”

            _What? How?_

            “What are you talking about?” he asked, almost incredulously, because this made no sense. “Everyone loves you.”

            _How could they not?_

            He always helped everyone, always had time to listen to his crew’s problems even if they got in the way… he didn’t ask for anything in return…

            People cared about him. That was completely obvious, so what was Shepard talking about? How could he not be used to people caring, to people worrying about him? Kaidan was fairly certain it happened all the time.

            Shepard shook his head. “No – it’s not… they…” He took in a breath. “It’s not like that. You know? Well, maybe you don’t.”

            “You’re not making any sense, Ryan.”

            Shepard sighed heavily. “I know people care. I’m the commander – of course they do. It’s not… I mean…”

            “Why don’t you just say what you’re thinking?” Kaidan suggested.

            The commander scrubbed a hand over his face. “They care about _Commander Shepard_.” A breath. “They see me and think I can make all their problems go away. It’s like… I don’t know. Do they even _know_ me? If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t even know what it was like to hear my own first name!”

            Kaidan stared throughout the small tirade, watching the myriad of emotions flicker across that pale face, those pale eyes. Shepard dropped the cards onto the table and ran a hand through his short brunette hair.

            “It’s like… no one cares about Shepard. _Ryan_. Because to them it’s just… Commander Shepard. And that’s not a bad thing. It helps them, I get it, it’s who I need to be, who they need me to be… but… sometimes I just…”

            “Sometimes you just need to be Ryan,” Kaidan said quietly, surprisingly less confused than he was before, because he understood that feeling. “You don’t want to just… always be in charge. You want to be normal, too. You want to be Ryan, not Shepard. Not Commander Shepard.”

            Now the commander was staring at him, something like vulnerable hope present in those familiar wide eyes, and Kaidan nodded, knowing he was on the right track. If this was the case, he could help.

            _And I will help. I won’t fail. Not again._

            He’d failed before, with his doubts. He questioned his friend’s motives, made him live back up to the name of ‘Commander Shepard’. He felt horrible about it now, but at the time… at the time, he was like everyone else. Seeing only the commander and not the person behind the title.

            “Sometimes I just…” Shepard trailed off, sighing, averting his gaze to the table. “Sometimes I just want…”

            Again, he stopped himself, shaking his head. He pushed himself to his feet, shoving his chair away from the table, and turned so his back was facing Kaidan.

            “I’m sorry, Major. I shouldn’t have bothered you like this. This is…” His back stiffened. “This is my problem, not yours. I shouldn’t be adding to your own.” A brief pause while Kaidan tried to get over the shock of Shepard using his title when he wasn’t joking. “Thank you for your time.”

            Shepard moved, then, toward the door. Kaidan sat there, stunned, knowing that if he let him walk away now, he would be just like all the others. A part of Shepard was obviously crying out for something to change, for… a friend. Someone to look past the title, past what everyone else saw, to the fragile human beneath, the person behind the name.

            “Ryan,” he said, getting to his feet, swallowing thickly. He wasn’t sure what he’d do next, but the use of his name had Shepard stopping in the doorway. His back was still to the sentinel, but at least he wasn’t moving away anymore.

            “You don’t have to say anything,” Shepard said quietly.

            _I know I don’t. But I want to._

            “I’m sorry, Ryan. I didn’t realize…”

            “It’s fine.”

            _Except it’s not. Your stance says it all._

            Shepard stood rigid, spine stiff as a board, but also somewhat leaning forward, like he was itching to get away and was only staying put because Kaidan was still talking. These next few moments, next few _words_ and actions, would be crucial in their friendship, would define it. Kaidan could be like the others – brush this aside, accept Shepard’s excuse that he was ‘fine’, and walk away from this mess. It would be so easy.

            Enough people had done it to him, he knew. It was part of the reason being solitary suited him so well. He didn’t have to hide behind a mask because no one expected such things from him. Everyone here – hell, everyone in the damn _galaxy_ – expected greatness from Shepard. They expected him to stand up for what was right, defend them until the end, and destroy the Reapers. It was a hell of a burden.

            Somewhere along the way… _Ryan_ got lost. _Ryan_ was human; he had doubts and needs and worries and thoughts and feelings…

            But no one noticed that.

            _Well, I do._

            “You think no one sees you,” he said quietly, watching Shepard’s back stiffen further. “I get it. I do. But, Ryan… _I_ see you.”

            Shepard flinched as though someone physically touched him. Kaidan took a small step forward, away from the table, more toward the door where the commander stood.

            “You’re my friend,” Kaidan continued quietly.

            _A lie by omission,_ a part of his mind said.

            “I don’t expect you to make all my problems go away. But I know you’ll help me get through them, on my own.”

            “Kaidan…” Shepard said, voice a whisper, a breath of air.

            The sentinel wasn’t aware he was still moving forward until he found himself directly behind Shepard, hand lifting to rest on the commander’s shoulder. Shepard stiffened beneath his touch, but relaxed in the next second.

            “You’re the great Commander Shepard,” Kaidan said softly. “But you’re still _human_.”

            Shepard turned, then, to face him. Kaidan’s hand dropped to his side as the commander stared at him, emotion swimming behind the blue depths of his eyes. A lump formed in Kaidan’s throat and he wasn’t sure what to say or do next. Nothing seemed appropriate. He could hug him, but that didn’t seem right. He could step away but that seemed even worse, because it might make the commander think his words were a lie, and they weren’t. He’d never been so serious and sincere about something in his life.

            “Thank you,” Shepard said finally, breaking the thick silence which had settled around them in the past few seconds. “I… that means a lot to me.” A pause, a breath. “ _You_ mean a lot to me.”

            Kaidan blinked, shocked, unsure what to say to that.

            _What did you just say?_

            Could he…?

            Did he…?

            _No._

            Kaidan didn’t know what to do now. Move closer or step away. Say something or keep quiet. He just didn’t know. The ball was in Shepard’s court.

            “You’re a good friend,” Shepard said, and Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

            _Of course that’s what he meant, you idiot._

            “I don’t feel like one,” he admitted, shaking his head, averting his gaze toward the floor. “I’ve had… a lot of doubts. I’m… sorry.”

            “You’re here now,” Shepard said quietly, causing him to lift his gaze back up. “That’s what matters.”

            Shepard rested a hand on his shoulder, squeezing briefly, before it dropped away and he turned, facing away from Kaidan again.

            “I should… get ready for Allers. I’m sure she’ll be here soon.”

            _A dismissal?_

            Just like that?

            “I appreciate our talks, Ryan,” he said as he moved toward the door, hoping Shepard understood.

            He turned around once he was in the elevator, looking back through the open door. Shepard stood in the doorway, watching him leave.

            The elevator door obscured his vision, and down he went.

 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting into the Leviathan DLC, but with a few twists ;) Sorry if something is OOC. This chapter includes meeting Dr. Bryson, and hunting down Garneau and meeting the people who don't know what's happened for the past 10 years. A lot of game dialogue.

Chapter Thirteen

 

They finally made it to the Citadel, but not all was as it seemed. Shepard was asked to see a Dr. Bryson in his lab. He took a shuttle of his own there, very few of the crew knowing of his plans. Kaidan himself only knew because he’d been there when the message was sent, when EDI told Shepard about it. Shepard himself hadn’t talked to Kaidan in nearly twenty-four-hours, which was fine, really.

            From what he heard, Shepard did finally ask for a sedative from Dr. Chakwas. For all he knew, the commander had been asleep that whole time, only waking long enough to grab a bite to eat before EDI told him about Bryson’s lab.

            Kaidan offered to accompany him – that was what friends did, right? He also wanted to talk, privately, and a shuttle ride to a scientist’s lab seemed private enough. Not to mention Shepard still looked a little pale, despite the fact the rings were gone from his eyes. At least he got a little sleep.

            Shepard looked at him for a moment as though debating, before he finally shrugged and nodded. “Alright, that’s fine. It’s going to be boring, though. We’re going to a scientist’s lab.”

            Kaidan shrugged. “That’s fine by me, just means I don’t have to worry about being shot at.”

            Shepard shook his head and climbed into the private shuttle loaned to him by the Council during his stay here. Kaidan climbed in next to him and the two lifted into the air as the shuttle hummed to life.

            For a few minutes, they rode in silence. Nothing was said between them, but the silence wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. If anything it was relaxed; appreciated, almost. Shepard looked more relaxed than he had been in days, Kaidan noticed. Perhaps the sedative did its job and all the commander needed was sleep.

            _Do you really believe that? Sedatives cure everything?_

_Shut up, Mind._

            “Alright,” Shepard sighed finally, glancing over at him briefly before looking back out the front window. “Say it. What’s on your mind.”

            “You look better,” Kaidan said.

            “Feel better,” Shepard admitted, and Kaidan smiled.

            “Sedatives are great, huh?”

            “Didn’t dream, so yeah, pretty great.” There was a pause, before the commander sighed. “You helped, too. I said thanks, right?”

            “You did,” Kaidan said. “It wasn’t necessary.”

            “Yeah, well… thanks, again. I appreciate it.”

            “That’s what friends do,” he said quietly, looking out the side window.

            “If so,” Shepard said slowly, “I need more friends like you.”

            Kaidan felt his ears burn, but he didn’t look back at the commander. If he did he might say or do something stupid. This was safer. “I wasn’t fishing for compliments, Ryan.”

            Shepard chuckled. “I know. That’s why I said it.”

            The ride lapsed back into silence as Kaidan tried to process this.

 

They entered the lap quietly. The place was surprisingly empty of lab workers, filled instead with artifacts and desks and computers. Kaidan himself had never been much of a scientist but he could appreciate the work they did. While he wasn’t sure what half the stuff he was looking at meant, he knew better than to touch it or move it in any way.

            _This is someone’s life’s work._

            This was also someone’s home, it seemed. He saw stairs leading upward, and the area appeared out of the way and mostly cordoned off. Perhaps this was literally where Dr. Bryson lived, and not just his lab. A lot of people did that these days, though. Perhaps in the old days scientists would have a lab they worked in and then return home at the end of the day, but now they practically lived in the labs anyway, practically married to their work, so it made sense to physically live there as well.

            A man was talking in the background. Kaidan stayed put next to some kind of artifact and computer while Shepard moved toward the person speaking. It appeared to be Dr. Bryson. There was only one other person here, and he appeared busy. Kaidan decided to simply look around this room, at the maps and whatnot on the walls, while Shepard took care of his business.

            Technically he wasn’t supposed to be here, after all.

            This mission was Shepard’s. As a Spectre he could do missions on his own. That didn’t mean he had to, though, and it didn’t mean Kaidan couldn’t tag along for moral support and companionship, right? Best to stay out of the way for now, though, because he might accidentally break something by breathing near it.

            _Things are fragile, and you can be a heavy breather._

_Mind, I hate you._

            Things went well for a while. He didn’t even notice the assistant leaving the room. Instead he was focusing on a piece of Sovereign which was held here as though on display. He felt a chill crawl through him as he looked at it, remembered the battle they had here on the Citadel. A lot of people lost their lives that day. Many more were lost trying to save the Council, but they did manage to save them in the end. Sovereign was killed, as was Saren, and somehow he, Shepard, and Garrus came out okay in the end, despite being there at ground zero.

            For a while it looked like Shepard had been crushed. Kaidan had been sore at the time, having taken a shot to the side from Saren’s crazed, hyperactive form. There was a lot of dust in the air which only made it harder to breathe, not to mention the cracked ribs. Everything ached, then, but nothing ached as much as the thought that Shepard had literally been crushed in the wake of their victory.

            That was not the way he was meant to die, after all. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to end.

            Thankfully Shepard wound up being okay, just semi-trapped on the other side of the rubble. He climbed over it in the end and, holding onto his side, smiled at Kaidan and Garrus, who were happy to see him.

            It was surprisingly a lot easier to breathe after that.

            He was caught up in the memory, looking at the bit that remained of the first Reaper they ever encountered, and was startled out of it by the sound of a gun firing in the next room.

            Adrenaline rushed through him as though ignited by a fuse as he darted into the next room, immediately cursing himself for not bringing a weapon of any kind. That was okay, he had his biotics, but he didn’t have any of his battle armor on or anything.

            Neither did Shepard.

            _Shepard._

            The first thing he saw when he entered the room as the motionless, bloody body on the ground.

            The second was Shepard charging across the room, tackling the gunman. It was… the assistant? The gun clattered from his hand as he hit the ground and to Kaidan’s horror, it fired as it slid across the ground.

            “Son of a-!” Shepard grunted.

            “Shepard!” Kaidan called, rushing toward him.

            _He’s hit and he doesn’t have armor!_

            Shepard’s gaze landed on him as the commander looked up at him and he relaxed somewhat. “Grazed me,” he said, gesturing at his left arm, near the shoulder. It was bleeding but not very much, and was clearly more of a scratch than anything.

            _He’s okay. It’s okay._

            “This is Commander Shepard,” the vanguard commander said into the comm link. “I need C-Sec at my location! Now!”

            The guy beneath him was out cold, Kaidan noted with relief.

            “Help me get him up,” Shepard said, grabbing the assistant’s left arm. Kaidan grabbed the other and together they hauled him up and into a chair. Shepard then moved around him and knelt next to Dr. Bryson’s motionless body, pressing two fingers against his neck even though the man’s eyes were sightlessly staring up at the ceiling, into a void neither of them would never, could never, see.

            “He’s gone, Ryan,” Kaidan said quietly, coming to stand behind him, placing a hand on the commander’s shoulder.

            Shepard sighed and got to his feet. “Are you hurt?”

            “I was in the other room,” Kaidan said. “Let me see your arm.”

            “It’s fine. Just kind of shocked me more than anything. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten hit without wearing armor,” Shepard admitted as he turned and walked back toward the chair the assistant was sitting in.

            “Should we secure him?” Kaidan asked, glaring at the gunman.

            _Who the hell is this guy and what was he thinking?_

            “He’s out cold for now,” Shepard said. “I think he hit his head when I tackled him.”

            _Good,_ Kaidan thought with a touch of relieved detachment.

            “Any idea why he… well, you know.”

            Shepard shook his head, glancing back at Bryson’s body. “No. Bryson was just telling me about what this group has been studying.”

            “And what’s that?”

            Now Shepard went quiet. “You think this had something to do with that?”

            “Depends,” Kaidan said. “What’d he say?”

            “They think they might have found Leviathan.”

            “Leviathan?” Kaidan asked, trying out the word on his tongue. “What’s that?”

            Shepard watched Bryson’s body for a moment, before he released a small sigh and glanced at Kaidan. “They think it might be a Reaper killer.”

            _Okay, yeah. Definitely something worth maybe killing over._

 

“Forensic records show his name is Derek Hadley,” said one of the two C-Sec officers standing next to the assistant.

            It took them only a few minutes to arrive. They’d asked very few questions before looking up the assistant’s name and what this place was researching, as well as confirming Bryson’s identity.

            Simple guidelines of their work, but Kaidan wanted answers.

            “He’s worked here for a couple months,” the same C-Sec officer said as Shepard stood in front of the gunman, Hadley.

            “Shepard,” came a female voice, startling Kaidan so much he flinched because it was right behind him. He turned to find EDI walking toward them. “I monitored a C-Sec call from this location. Were you harmed?”

            _Is that me or does she actually sound concerned?_

            “Minor flesh wound,” Shepard said, shaking his head. They’d already bandaged it. It didn’t even require medi-gel. “I could use your help sorting this out, EDI. Take a look through their files – I need to know what this task force was up to.”

            _Because it definitely got Bryson killed._

            “At once,” EDI replied, moving to look around the room.

            “What?” came a new voice and Kaidan’s gaze snapped back toward the gunman, who appeared to be waking up. His head snapped up violently as he looked around, eyes wide and… confused? “I… what’s… happening?”

            “You tell me,” Shepard said coolly, folding his arms across his chest in his ‘you better not lie to me’ pose.

            Kaidan moved to stand next to him, watching Hadley closely.

            “I…” Hadley started slowly. “I was gathering our data when you arrived, and… then... it was dark. Cold. Like… I was some place else.”

            _That makes no sense._

            “And then?” Shepard prompted.

            “I… I don’t know!” Hadley said, eyes wide as he looked at the commander. “A gun was in my hands… Dr. Bryson… There was a loud… noise.”

            _He sounds confused. Is that possible? Does he not know what he did?_

            It didn’t seem likely.

            “That was _you_ ,” Shepard said, pointing at the body, “shooting him.”

            Upon seeing Bryson’s body, Hadley jumped to his feet. Kaidan unconsciously reached for his gun at the sudden movement and growled to himself when he remembered he didn’t have any weapons on him. This was the Citadel, after all – it was supposed to be _safe_. He shouldn’t have needed a weapon here.

            It was why they didn’t bring their squad with them. It was why he wouldn’t have minded if Shepard had declined his offer to join him on the way over here. Why they didn’t have their armor or weapons, why their guard was down.

            _It’s supposed to be safe here._

            It wasn’t.

            _Definitely carrying a weapon with me wherever I go from now on._

            Hadley only ran to Bryson’s body, though, and collapsed to his knees next to the man. “I didn’t do it!” he said almost breathlessly. “It wasn’t me! You have to believe that!”

            “So someone _else_ pulled that trigger?” Shepard asked, half incredulous and half curious, it seemed.

            “But I would never do that!” Hadley said, looking up at him, grasping at his head.

            “Commander,” EDI said, causing them to look over at her from where she stood, gathering information. “This does resemble reports of indoctrination.”

            Kaidan’s spine stiffened. Next to him, Shepard seemed to freeze as well.

            _Indoctrination? Here? How?_

            The Citadel was supposed to be _safe_ , dammit. No one was supposed to be indoctrinated here!

            “Indoctrination?” Hadley asked, getting to his feet, appearing more calm now. “Me?”

            “What about that Leviathan Bryson mentioned?” Shepard asked, drawing the focus back to the job at hand. “How does that tie in?”

            “It’s some kind of creature,” Hadley explained. “Our field teams have been tracking it.” He turned and looked at some glowing orb behind a glass wall. “That artifact came in from our researcher, Garneau. He sent an audio log if you want to... _gah_!”

            Kaidan flinched at the sudden sound of pain, reaching for his weapon again. It was only years of training, of practicing control, that his biotics didn’t flare to life around him. He hated not having his gun on him.

            Hadley collapsed to the ground, grabbing at his head.

            “What’s wrong?” Shepard asked, frowning down at the assistant. It sounded like he was torn between concern at the man’s wellbeing, and curiosity, like Hadley might be lying to them, playing them somehow.

            Kaidan was curious about that, too.

            Was this some ploy to escape judgment? Was he planning another attack? Or was he just simply in pain?

            A second later Hadley’s hands dropped from his head to hang limply at his sides as he knelt there, on his knees, slowly bringing his gaze up to look at Shepard. His eyes were flat, like he was in a trance, almost.

            “Turn back,” he said in a voice that was not his own, not really. It was flatter than Kaidan remembered it from just a minute ago, more subdued and monotone.

            “What are you talking about?” Shepard asked.

            “The darkness cannot be breached.”

            And with that, Hadley’s eyes rolled into the back of his head and he toppled forward, completely limp.

            “Damn it,” Shepard hissed. “Get him over to the clinic. See if they can tell us what’s wrong with him.”

            “Yes, sir,” said the C-Sec officer, and the two of them hauled Hadley’s motionless body from the ground, dragging him out of the room.

            Kaidan stepped toward Shepard, who stood in front of the glass wall, looking at the artifact. “What’s going on?”

            “I have no idea,” Shepard sighed, “but I have a feeling I’m not gonna like it.”

 

_I don’t like it._

            He didn’t like any of this. This whole situation screamed of _wrong_ and it was as bad as bad feelings got.

            They managed to track down Garneau, the other scientist working on the Leviathan project, who sent over the artifact. They were heading there now, but it would still be at least three more hours before they arrived.

            That left a lot of time to think.

            He wanted to check on Shepard, because he knew the mission with the Ardat-Yakshi and the… _banshees_ had taken its toll on the commander, and now a bullet had grazed his arm. Barely nicked him, but still, infection could set in. He just wanted to make sure nothing else went wrong.

            He didn’t do it, though.

            Shepard, it seemed, really did not like people worrying about his physical health. Every time Kaidan brought it up the commander sent him a glare. There was little heat behind it but still the message was clear.

            _He’s fine, for now._

            And when he was ready to talk, Kaidan would be here, waiting.

            _Always waiting. I hate waiting._

            The usual peace of the Observation Room – his room – didn’t help him at the moment. Instead he kept replaying those moments in Bryson’s lab, wondering if, had he not been so distracted remembering Sovereign’s attack on the Citadel, he could have saved Bryson’s life.

            Then again, Shepard had been there and even he couldn’t save the man. Kaidan knew for a fact Shepard’s reflexes were far better than his own. He hadn’t had time to do anything for the scientist.

            Still, though… he couldn’t help but wonder about how things might have gone differently had he acted sooner.

            _No use dwelling on what might have been._

            That was true. There was nothing he could do about it now.

            _Ding._

            Kaidan wasn’t shocked by the noise this time. It was probably Shepard – he was the only one who really messaged him. He hadn’t sent in his reports yet.

            _Damn. Knew I was forgetting something._

            Oh well, too late to worry about it now.

            He opened the message.

            _I have ramen if you’re hungry. I’m in the mess._

_Shepard._

            Kaidan shook his head. Ramen noodles. It was strange how long those things had lasted. It seemed like every generation knew about them, ate them at some point in time.

            He got to his feet and left the room, entering the mess. Again, it was empty save for one lone figure in the back, next to the refrigerator. Kaidan walked toward the familiar outline in the dim lighting. He could smell the noodles from here.

            Shepard turned as he approached. “I hope you like ramen. I made too much.”

            “How do you make too much ramen?” Kaidan asked incredulously.

            _Is that even possible?_

            “Garrus was supposed to help me eat this,” Shepard said. “We were going over calibration issues.” He paused. “Great. Now he has me saying it. Anyway, Tali called him away and he left me with too much ramen to eat.” Now the commander smiled at him. “That’s where you come in.”

            “I see,” Kaidan said, smirking.

            Shepard gestured at the table and the two moved toward it. One bowl was placed in front of Kaidan, along with a fork, while Shepard had his own ramen in front of him.

            The two ate in silence for a few minutes.

            “How’s the arm?” he asked casually, almost without thinking, as he slurped down some noodles.

            “I’m dying.”

            Kaidan almost choked on his noodles, eyes widening. “ _What_?” he coughed.

            Shepard grinned.

            “Not funny,” Kaidan muttered, going back to his food.

            “It was a little scratch. I’m fine. If a bullet graze takes me out I’ll never live it down.”

            “Well, you’d be dead.”

            _How about we not joke about that?_

            “I still wouldn’t live it down, even in death. Garrus would calibrate the universe just so I wouldn’t live it down.”

            Kaidan almost choked again, but this time because he couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped him. “Yeah, I can see him doing that.”

            More comfortable silence surrounded them until they were done eating. Kaidan slurped up the last of his broth and happily sat back in his chair, satisfied.

            “That was good.”

            Shepard smirked. “The food of champions.”

            “And we are the champions.”

            “We’ll keep on fighting, ‘til the end,” Shepard said, quirking a brow at him, and Kaidan couldn’t help but shake his head.

            “That is an old, old song.”

            “Good classics never die.”

 

Kaidan barely got any sleep before they arrived at their destination, some asteroid called Mahavid.

            He arrived in the shuttle bay just as Shepard was gathering his gear.

            “I’m going, too,” he said, in case it wasn’t obvious, as he grabbed his weapons and armor.

            Shepard smirked. “I had a feeling you’d say that. Garrus is coming too, in case I need something calibrated.”

            Kaidan shook his head as they climbed into the shuttle and left the Normandy.

            “We’re about five minutes out, Commander,” Cortez said a few minutes later.

            “What exactly is on this asteroid?” Shepard asked, standing behind the pilot.

            Kaidan and Garrus sat quietly in the back, watching them.

            “Mining facility,” Cortez said. “T-GES Mineral Works. Small operation. Could be a good place for Leviathan to hide.”

            “Bryson was right. Anything powerful enough to kill a Reaper needs to be investigated,” Shepard said. “I just hope Garneau has the answers we need.”

            _Don’t we all._

            “I’m reading Reaper enemy signatures in the asteroid field,” Cortez said a moment later.

            “He said they were shadowing his field teams,” Shepard all but sighed.

            _Figures. Nothing’s ever easy._

            “Take us in.”

 

They had to fight against a few brutes and cannibals to get in, but they managed it eventually. Kaidan was happy to see the people inside seemed to be okay, if a little strange with their stares. Then again, Reaper forces had been right outside. He’d be a little on edge, too.

            _This must be terrifying for these people._

            They approached what looked like an information center, with two men behind it working on a computer, one sitting in a chair and the other hunched over, looking over the first man’s shoulder.

            “I’m Commander Shepard of the Alliance,” Shepard said as he stood in front of the window separating them from the two men inside. “You just had Reaper troops attacking your front door.”

            “Are they still there?” asked the man sitting in the chair, but his voice was… off. He might have been tired, but it also sounded oddly like Hadley’s from before he passed out.

            From what Kaidan heard the guy wasn’t doing too well. He’d yet to wake up.

            “I’ve taken care of them for now,” Shepard said, shaking his head.

            “I see,” said the man who was standing. “That will be all.”

            Their gaze returned to the computer.

            “That will be…?” The commander looked over his left shoulder at Kaidan, who shrugged and shook his head. He had no idea what was going on, but again, everything screamed of _wrong_. “Hello?”

            The men inside ignored him.

            Garrus stepped forward and pressed the button on the wall, labeled ‘assistance’.

            The two inside looked at them again.

            “Yes. Welcome to T-GES Mineral Works,” said the one standing, voice as monotone as ever, gaze flat. “How can we help you.”

            “Are you here for the tour?” asked the one sitting.

            “Yes. For the tour,” said the one standing. “Please sign in.”

            Kaidan and Shepard shared another look.

            _Yeah. Bad feeling about this._

            “You don’t seem worried about those Reapers,” Shepard said, frowning at them. “You know something I don’t?”

            _Like… hiding a Reaper killer around here anywhere?_

            All the guy had to say about that was to describe what this company was and what they did, which they already knew.

            “That’s not what I meant,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “I’m looking for a researcher named Dr. Garneau. He would have arrived within the last couple weeks. If he’s still here I need to speak with him.”

            “We have no Dr. Garneau,” said the one sitting down.

            “Do you need to see a doctor,” said the one standing.

            Shepard sighed, frustrated. “How about I just go in and look around.”

            “No. The access elevator is broken.”

            Kaidan glanced over and saw sparks flying from the elevator door.

            _Yeah. Broken. Hate elevators._

            “And now,” said the one sitting, “we’re done. Step away.”

            “Step away,” echoed the one standing. “You don’t belong here.”

            Kaidan took a step forward, grabbing Shepard by the shoulder. “This doesn’t seem right,” he murmured. He really had a bad feeling about this. “C’mon.” He lightly pulled the commander away from those two, off to the side, more toward the elevator.

            _We’ll do this on our own. Those two are messed up. Something’s wrong._

            “Let’s look around,” Shepard sighed.

            _Anything to get away from them and all these people’s stares._

            It was more than a little unnerving.

            “Careful,” he found himself murmuring, mostly to himself, but Shepard nodded all the same.

            “Stranger and stranger,” Garrus commented.

            “We gotta fix that elevator,” Kaidan said quietly. He felt like everyone here was watching them, listening in, and he felt the urge to bring up his barrier, a natural protection, but fought the urge off for now. He’d probably need the energy later.

            Shepard looked around and found an console off to the side. It brought up a repair drone, which they then led to the elevator. It was fixed in no time and the three climbed in.

            Kaidan tried not to imagine the elevator sparking as they took it up. Finally it stopped and they got out and ran into more people staring at them oddly.

            Anyone they walked past said, “You don’t belong here.”

            “Yeah,” Shepard muttered to himself, “I’m getting that feeling.”

            Eventually they found an audio log in one of the back rooms. A robotic female voice said the comm systems were offline and that the message was not sent.

            _Probably would have saved people if it was…_

            After listening to it, they found out Garneau had been in danger. The message was to Bryson, telling him he’d gone into hiding in the mines. Another artifact, like the one in Bryson’s lab, had been found here. Garneau was asking for Bryson to get him out of there, but of course the message never got through.

            _I hope he’s okay. If not he died waiting for help…_

            He couldn’t think about that right now. Shepard left the room and he and Garrus followed after him.

            There was a pass code hack they got from the data log, though. Kaidan copied it for later use.

            Later use wound up being a minute later when they reached a security console.

            “Punch in the terminal hack and see what it gets us,” Shepard said.

            “Right.” Kaidan moved toward the console and began inputting the hack.

            “Access granted,” said the robotic female voice.

            _Alright… so something is finally going right. Good._

            It opened a video log of sorts, of Garneau entering the facility and conversing with the locals. They didn’t seem as… creepy as they did now.

            An alert popped up.

            “An unknown male was involved in an altercation in the mines.”

            “Garneau was heading toward the mines,” Garrus said.

            “Looks like he was taken to the med bay,” Shepard said.

            The security console told them how to get to the medical bay and Kaidan copied the patient file number for easy access.

            “I’ve got it,” he said.

            _File 7364._

            Shepard nodded. “Let’s go get Garneau.”

 

The med bay wound up being composed of a lot of windows and enclosed areas. A body lay on a gurney in one, clearly dead. They approached the window and looked inside.

            “Is that Garneau?” Shepard asked reluctantly.

            _Hope not._

            “If it is,” Garrus said, “we came a long way for nothing.”

            Shepard sighed and looked at the ground, shaking his head.

            “If you are looking for Garneau,” came a voice from behind them, startling them, “then you have found him. I am Dr. Garneau.”

            The three turned to find a man inside the room across the hall, talking to them through the room’s own window. The room was dark and quiet save for the man who appeared from the shadows. He looked ragged and had definitely seen better days, but staying here for very long would probably do that to anyone. Plus he’d been in an altercation in the mines, apparently.

            “I’m Commander Shepard of the Alliance,” Shepard said, stepping toward the window. “Are you all right?”

            “Yes,” Garneau said slowly, looking down at the ground from where it bent over some kind of table. “Only, I’m trapped in here.”

            _Trapped?_

            Well, anyone would feel trapped in this place. He must have locked himself in or something, Kaidan didn’t know. Everything about this just screamed _wrong_. A chill crawled through him. He couldn’t wait to leave this place.

            “Bryson’s research led me to you,” Shepard said.

            “Bryson sent you?” Garneau asked.

            “He’s dead, doctor,” Shepard said regretfully. “Killed by his assistant.”

            Garneau nodded. “I see…”

            “I need you to tell me everything you’ve found on the Leviathan. Bryson seemed to think it killed a Reaper.”

            “No. It’s not here.”

            “What about the artifact you mentioned in your message?” Garrus asked.

            “I did?” Garneau asked, sounding mildly confused.

            _Yeah. Definitely a bad feeling._

“Shepard, I don’t like this,” he said quietly.

            Shepard nodded. “Yes,” he said to Garneau. “You did. But now we’ve got Reaper forces attacking, so I need to break you out.”

            _I don’t know about this…_

            “We can grab the artifact and go.”

            “Reapers…” Garneau murmured. “The darkness… must not be breached.”

            Kaidan’s spine stiffened because that was familiar.

            _What?_

            “The… darkness?” Shepard asked, frowning in confusion.

            Garneau suddenly lunged forward, punching a fist against the glass, causing Kaidan to take a quick step back. “ **Why do you pursue me? _”_**

            _Okay, that’s_ definitely _not Garneau._

            “Shepard, we need to get out of here,” he said, grabbing the commander’s shoulder.

            Shepard shrugged him off, gaze focused on the man behind the glass. “Doctor?”

            “That’s not Garneau,” Kaidan said. “We need to go.”

            _It might have been Garneau but not anymore, not that voice. Not that… feeling. Surely you feel it too, as a biotic?_

            Then again Shepard wasn’t using his biotics lately, on orders from Chakwas not to. Perhaps he didn’t feel it. Or maybe he did, and he didn’t care.

            _Finish the job, not matter the cost._

            The person – Garneau still? – slammed an open palm against the glass and a bit of began to crack. “ **The artifact. You will not take what is mine**.”

            “That’s not Garneau,” Kaidan said again.

            Shepard nodded. “You. You killed a Reaper. I need your help.” He stepped toward the glass even as Kaidan growled under his breath.

            “ **You bring only death.”**

            The window exploded, a loud, shrill noise ringing through the air, deafening in its wake. Shepard was thrown back from the blast while Kaidan and Garrus were far enough away they simply staggered, bringing their hands up to cover their ears. Shepard got to his feet before Kaidan could ask if he was okay, and chased after Garneau, who jumped out of the room and ran down the hallway.

            _Great. I knew this was trouble!_

            “We need to get to that artifact before he does!”

            “He said it was in the mines.”

 

They went through a lot of trouble to get to the mines. Three more mutated asari showed up, the banshees as they’d been dubbed. Reaper forces were nearly overwhelming, involving ravagers, husks, cannibals, etc. By the time it was over Kaidan was completely out of ammo and down to using biotics only.

            The commander stayed with the repair drone as it fixed the power so they could even get into the mines. Eventually he ran out of ammo as well, though, as two ravagers approached, both firing at them and the repair drone which was already running on reserve power and losing strength rapidly.

            Shepard used a biotic charge and slammed into the ravagers, quickly using a nova which killed one of them. He used another biotic charge to take out the second one even as Kaidan growled at him from where he knelt behind cover.

            “The Doc said not to use biotics,” he said.

            Shepard shrugged somewhat breathlessly. “Yeah, well, desperate times. Is the drone finished?”

            “Yes, the door should be open now,” Garrus said.

            More Reaper forces landed.

            “Well, let’s get there, then!”

            They hurried across the battlefield back toward the door they’d tried opening earlier. This time it opened and they quickly ran inside, closing it behind them.

            More Reaper forces remained inside and they still didn’t have any damn ammo.

            The enemies were focused on Garneau, though, had his back against a pile of rubble, detonator in hand. He looked over at them and pressed the button.

            “Get down!” Shepard snapped, and something firm and solid slammed into Kaidan, knocking him into the ground.

            It was a minute before the ringing in his ears stopped and before the dust settled, literally, and he could see anything at all. Shepard was next to him on the ground, groaning as he pushed himself to his feet, having all but tackled the sentinel as the bomb went off.

            The Reaper forces were gone… but so was Garneau, and whatever information he had. One of the artifacts had been in the rubble behind him, and now it, too, was gone.

            _Damn it._

            But at least everyone was okay. That was something, at least.

            Shepard approached the rubble, seeing if anything was still intact, while Garrus moved toward a dead body on the ground. Human, but it looked like it had been there a while. Not from the explosion, then.

            Garrus rolled the body over and found it was laying on a data pad which was held in the man’s dying grip. He pried it from the man’s fingers and read it.

            “Shepard,” he said, “you need to see this.”

            Shepard walked toward them from the rubble. “What have you got?”

            “That wasn’t Garneau,” Garrus said quietly, looking down at the body. “This is.”

            Kaidan frowned.

            “Looks like he’s been dead for a while.”

            “So…” Shepard said slowly. “Leviathan can have Bryson killed, take over this colony, and he can use them as puppets.”

            “Great,” Kaidan muttered.

            Shepard shook his head. “Anything else useful?”

            “Looks like some encrypted data. Eight missed calls from a Dr. Ann Bryson.”

            “Ann Bryson?” Shepard asked, sharing a look with Kaidan.

            “Isn’t that Bryson’s daughter?” he asked.

            The sound of movement could be heard behind them. Kaidan spun, gun drawn even though he was out of ammo, but he relaxed when he saw it was only the people from earlier, except now their eyes were more bright. They appeared mostly confused.

            Whatever hold Leviathan had on them seemed to have been broken.

            “Who are you?” asked a human female. “What are you doing here?”

            “I’m Commander Shepard. Are you all right?” He walked toward the group, Kaidan and Garrus behind him.

            “I think so,” she said quietly. “I feel like… I feel strange, but… all right.”

            “Do you recognize this man?” Shepard asked, gesturing at Garneau’s body.

            “I have never seen him before in my life,” the woman said, and Kaidan believed her. It was hard to fake that kind of confusion.

            “Someone here killed him,” Shepard said.

            “Someone… here?” asked the asari. “How is that possible?”

            “That artifact. Do you know where it came from?”

            “It came out of the mines,” said the man. “Right. Head Office was supposed to send someone. That’s about all I can…”

            _Remember._

            “Can you tell me anything about what happened to you?”

            “Not really,” said the human female. “I, uh… remember… it just seemed _cold_. I remember a feeling… Cold and dark.”

            Shepard and Kaidan shared looked.

            _Hadley said that too._

            “Cortez,” Shepard said into the comm link, “what’s your situation? Can you bring the shuttle?”

            “Affirmative,” Cortez replied. “Strangest thing. Couple of minutes ago, the Reaper forces broke off and left.”

            _Yeah. That is strange._

            “Reaper,” said the human guy, frowning. “What’s a… Reaper?”

            _What’s a…? Are you kidding me?_

            They shared looked again. Shepard frowned and stepped toward them, voice losing its edge as he spoke next, quietly this time. “What year do you think this is?”

            _What kind of question is…?_

            “2176,” the asari replied, frowning at him.

            _What?_

            “Holy shit,” Kaidan muttered.

            _That’s a lot of time to lose._

            “2176 was ten years ago,” Shepard said quietly.

            _These people are in for a hell of a shock._

 


	14. Chapter Fouteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we get closer to the end of the story, the chapters are becoming longer. Hope that's okay! And there's finally romance on the horizon ;)

Chapter Fourteen

 

Those people lost ten years of their lives.

            It was unfathomable to him. Where would he be without he last ten years? Probably taking Red Sand somewhere. Those poor people… not only did they lose ten years of their lives, but they woke to a world with Reapers on the verge of taking everyone out, unless they stopped them.

            How could Leviathan have that kind of power? They speculated it was also a Reaper since it had the ability of indoctrination and whatnot. That just made this mission all the more confusing, because they were willingly chasing after a damn Reaper. Why? In the pursuit of killing other Reapers.

            _It’s crazy._

            There was a whir as the door behind him opened. He stood from the couch and smiled at Shepard.

            “Hey,” he said.

            “Kaidan,” Shepard said in greeting.

            “I keep thinking about those people.”

            “Yeah… so do I.” The commander shook his head sadly. “They’re in for a hell of a shock. A lot has changed in the past ten years.”

            “Have you ever seen anything like that?” Kaidan asked, sighing. “It feels good to help those people get their lives back. Ten years is… a lot of lost time.”

            _A lot. I didn’t even know you ten years ago._

            He swallowed, averting his gaze toward the ground. “Let’s make sure we never let time just… slip by us. Okay?”

            A hand landed on his shoulder and he looked up.

            “We won’t,” Shepard said quietly.

            Kaidan nodded. “Uh, right. Anyway. Any word on the Citadel?”

            They were heading back there to check on the artifact, since that seemed to be the Leviathan’s source of power. They were also going to look for any information regarding Bryson’s daughter, Ann.

            They were still a ways out, though.

            Shepard’s hand dropped back to his side. “C-Sec went to investigate. They said everything seems fine. They put up a barrier around the artifact just in case.”

            Kaidan nodded. “Good.”

            _At least they’re taking this seriously._

            “Before I go yell at Garrus,” Shepard said slowly, narrowing his eyes at him, “was it you that sicked Chawkwas on me?”

            Kaidan smiled sheepishly. “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”

            “Damn it. Why? Do you know how many unwanted needles were shoved into my skin?”

            Kaidan chuckled. One would have thought they would have found simpler ways these days, and they usually did, but they saved that equipment for serious cases, not mild check ups after missions. Old fashioned needles it was, then.

            “Sorry about that, Ryan.”

            “You told on me.”

            “You’re not a kid.”

            “You tattle tell.”

            “Wow, who even still says that?”

            Shepard rolled his eyes. “So not the point, Kaidan. You’re on clean up duty with James.”

            “Fine. I like cleaning.”

            Shepard blinked. “You do?”

            _No._

            “Yes.”

            “You’re messing with me. No one likes cleaning.”

            “You’d be surprised,” Kaidan said, smirking. “So, what did Chakwas say?”

            “No more biotics for a while,” Shepard muttered like a little kid being punished by his mom. Kaidan couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him, even as Shepard tossed him a glare. “I hate you. I blame you for this.”

            “Hey, you should have listened to her the first time.”

            “You shouldn’t have told on me!”

            “Then start listening,” Kaidan said with a shrug. “It’s that simple.”

           

As punishment for ‘tattling’ on him, Shepard left Kaidan on the Normandy while he and EDI went to Bryson’s lab. They wound up learning useful data, though Kaidan was worried to learn that the assistant was in a vegetative state and it was not thought he would ever regain consciousness. Leviathan basically killed him without being anywhere near him, because Hadley tried to answer their questions.

            This thing was powerful, and they were hunting it. He really didn’t like this.

            The search through Bryson’s lab revealed Ann Bryson’s location, and that was where they were heading now.

            Shepard and EDI put up a barrier of sorts around the artifact to shield the Citadel from its affects, but Kaidan wondered if they might have been too late. For all they knew the artifact already had someone else under control. It was thought continued exposure to these artifacts left the person more susceptible to Leviathan’s control.

            That was… disconcerting.

            He found Shepard in the war room, looking at his war assets, calculating the strength of the war. So far they seemed to actually be holding their own and winning in key locations, but it was only a matter of time before the Reaper forces managed to push them back. If they backed off an inch they would take a mile, everyone knew. Time was of the essence here, but then again, wasn’t it always?

            No matter what they did, there was never enough time. They went from mission to mission, always working, always shooting and helping people. Helping people in need was good – Kaidan didn’t mind that. What he _did_ mind was the lack of anything resembling a personal life on this ship.

            Liara was always collecting information as the new Shadow Broker – and he really needed to remember to ask her to tell him that story. Garrus was constantly calibrating the guns or checking reports on Palaven. Tali was always running tests on the engine systems or sending data back to her people on Rannoch. Cortez seemed rather eager to _not_ relax and have a personal life, always finding something to do down in the shuttle bay. Knowing the man’s backstory left Kaidan understanding the man’s desire to not have time to think, because then he would remember. Kaidan himself had been like that years ago, back when the Normandy SR-1 exploded, destroying the life he knew.

            Everyone here had something to do all the time. He understood it, of course. The war was more important than anything else at the moment, but if they didn’t take a little time now and then to just be _human_ – or asari or turian or whatever – then the Reapers had already won, right?

            “Kaidan?”

            Kaidan blinked, snapped out of his thoughts. He’d been standing in the background, waiting for Shepard to finish. Now the commander stood in front of him, arms folded across his chest, brow quirked as he watched him.

            “Something you need?” Shepard asked.

            “Not really,” Kaidan admitted. “Just wanted to see how things were going. Are we sure the barrier will hold? Shouldn’t we move that artifact somewhere else?”

            _Yes. Jump right back into work._

            “It’ll hold,” Shepard said confidently, and that was that.

            Kaidan nodded, trusting him. Shepard knew the dangers of the artifact – he wouldn’t leave it on the Citadel if he thought the barrier wouldn’t hold.

            “Walk with me,” Shepard said, walking out of the room. Kaidan followed after him. “We found Ann.”

            “I heard,” Kaidan said as they walked through the small security gate one had to go through when leaving and exiting the war room.

            “She also found an artifact.”

            Kaidan frowned. “That’s not good. Do you think she’s herself?”

            “I don’t know, but we’ve got to try. I’m not leaving her there.”

            They stepped into the elevator and took it down to deck three, entering the mess.

            Kaidan’s stomach growled. It had been a while since he last had anything to eat. How long? He thought it was probably the ramen, that was the last he ate anything. That was probably the last time Shepard ate, too.

            “We’ll need to do a food supply run soon,” Shepard said as he looked through the refrigerator, pulling out some sliced ham and cheese.

He made a couple sandwiches and handed one to Kaidan, who accepted it with a nod of thanks. The commander turned, leaning his back against the counter as he ate his sandwich.

            The two ate in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

            “What are your thoughts on the Leviathan?” Shepard asked once they were finished, both now sitting at the table.

            Kaidan shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t trust it, but I can see why it would be important to find it. I just hope we’re ready.”

            “We’re being careful,” Shepard said. “We’ll just have to hope that’s enough.”

 

“Okay,” Kaidan said on the shuttle ride down to the planet they thought Ann Bryson was on, “so we have reports that this dig site was under attack, right?”

            Shepard nodded with a sigh. “Yeah. The Reapers are one step ahead of us.”

            _And that’s definitely not good._

            They were hunting a Reaper killer, after all. Of course the Reapers didn’t like it.

            “We need to pick up the pace. Since Bryson’s daughter is our only lead, our objective is clear.”

            Kaidan nodded.

            _Save her, at any cost._

            “If she’s down there she hasn’t responded to our hails,” Cortez said somewhat worriedly from the front of the shuttle, pressing various buttons as he checked the readings and everything.

            He was a good pilot and knew what he was doing. Kaidan trusted him to let them know as soon as he knew anything.

            _Shepard always makes a good crew._

            “Getting some strange signals,” Cortez said a moment later. “Give me a minute.”

            Kaidan sat quietly in the back of the shuttle, next to Garrus. Shepard, as always, was standing in the center, hand up against the wall to brace himself against the slight sway the shuttle brought with it.

            “That artifact she recovered could be causing trouble,” Garrus said. “We’ve already seen what they can do.”

            “Agreed,” Shepard said. “Take us in closer, Cortez.”

            _Complete the job. At any cost._

            “Copy that,” Cortez said, and the shuttle jolted slightly. Shepard staggered but remained standing. Kaidan wondered why the man never just sat like a normal person.

            “What do we know about this place?” he asked.

            “Arid, windy, but habitable,” Shepard said. “We should be fine.”

            “Alright, well, that’s something at least. What do we know about Ann?”

            “She worked closely with her father and knows something about what’s happening. She sent him a message about how she thought the artifact could alter behavior, so at least she’s semi-aware of the dangers.”

            “Good,” Garrus said. “At least not everyone’s in the dark all the time.”

            “Are we sure the one back at the Citadel isn’t causing any problems?” Kaidan asked.

            “As sure as we can be,” Shepard replied.

            _Well, that has to be enough._

            “We have hostiles!” Cortez said suddenly, dragging their attention back toward him.

            “Take us in,” Shepard commanded.

            Kaidan pulled out his rifle and got to his feet.

            “On the landing platform,” Cortez said.

            _Great. They’re waiting for us._

            The shuttle door opened, revealing it flying past a building. People were inside, looking out the window toward them.

            “That’s her,” Shepard said, and Kaidan looked from face to face before he recognized Ann Bryson from the others, having seen a picture of her before, when they’d been in Bryson’s lab the first time.

            Static came through the systems. Ann was trying to contact them but was having little luck. Something seemed to be interfering.

            “Okay,” Shepard said, “let’s get-”

            The shuttle lurched to the side quickly, causing everyone to go tumbling toward the exit. Kaidan threw himself to the side, hitting the wall instead of the opening, and Garrus did the same. Shepard managed to somehow fall in the opposite direction, now sitting on the bench, looking mildly confused as he got to his feet.

            “Harvesters,” Cortez growled, dodging said hostiles.

            _I really hate Harvesters._

            They were large, took forever to kill, were very powerful, and had freaking _wings_.

            “Get us over there,” Shepard said.

            “Negative,” Cortez replied quickly. “It’s too hot.”

            _We can’t just leave them to die!_

            “I’ll take you to the lower platform,” Cortez said. “Hang on!”

            The shuttle lurched again as they neared the lower platform, but Cortez couldn’t stop the shuttle for them to get out.

            “Jump!” Shepard said.

            Kaidan took in a breath and jumped, landing on the platform without much trouble. Garrus slammed into his back, causing him to go tumbling forward, going to his knees in the effort to remain upright. Shepard stood next to him, looking down at him, quirking a brow.

            _The man is a damn cat._

            Always landed on his feet, huh?

            He stood and shot a glare at Garrus.

            “You were in my way,” Garrus said simply.

            Kaidan rolled his eyes and then startled as a bullet whizzed past his head. “Get to cover!”

            They hurried toward some boxes as cannibals appeared around the corner.

            _Just great._

 

They went through a lot of trouble to finally get to Ann. By the time they managed to get there, everyone was dead except her. They tried to run or help the others that were injured and got gunned down themselves.

            _Poor bastards._

            “Where did everyone go?” Ann asked, kneeling next to one of her dead colleagues.

            “I’m sorry,” Shepard said, kneeling next to her. “They didn’t make it. Doctor, I need you to come with me.”

            “Oh, God,” Ann breathed, before she nodded, seemingly collecting herself. “Yes, of course.”

            _Brave woman._

            Kaidan checked the back doorway and found the area was clear, for now. He nodded his head in its direction and Shepard nodded, gesturing for Ann to head that way. They all walked through the back exit, guns ready for action.

            Several harvesters could be seen in the air, flying away from them for the time being. Kaidan was just happy the harvesters weren’t firing at them. There was no way they could take that many on at the same time, especially right now.

            They continued out of the buildings and onto a dirt path which led around a cliff.

            Shepard led the way, ducking behind cover as soon as he got around the corner. Kaidan and the others did so as well. There was the artifact, off in the distance. There was some kind of beam shooting out of it, connecting with a Reaper marauder, lifting it off the ground.

            _Well that can’t be good._

            “I was at another dig site when they attacked,” Ann said quietly. “Got back as quick as I could, but…”

            “We’ll worry about that later,” Shepard said.

            “What’s happening?” Ann asked.

            “Hey,” Kaidan said, gesturing at the artifact and the marauder because no one else seemed to have noticed it yet. “Look.”

            Shepard, Ann and Garrus turned their attention there finally.

            From there Shepard’s gaze wandered behind Kaidan. Kaidan turned to look to see that the wall he was using for cover was painted. There were stick figures of people fighting, and above it…

            _A Reaper?_

            “Is that Leviathan?” Shepard asked.

            “Yes,” Ann said, “we think so. Definitely a Reaper, but acting alone.”

            _I’m not sure I like the sound of that._

            “Not like any Reaper we’ve seen before,” Ann said, almost in awe.

            They looked back at the artifact.

            “I’m certain it affects people,” she said.

            “We can vouch for that,” Kaidan said, sharing a glance with Shepard.

            “I did learn something about the energy it generates,” she said, looking back at the glowing artifact.

            “What are they doing?” Shepard asked.

            “They’ve… activated it somehow,” Ann said, frowning. “I’ve never managed anything that…”

            “Doctor?” Kaidan asked, frowning at her abrupt silence.

            She didn’t answer. Instead she moved forward, toward Shepard who stood ahead of them. Her gaze was flat and focused on the artifact.

            A familiar chill crawled through his skin and he growled beneath his breath.

 _“Shepard,”_ he growled, causing Shepard to nod and lightly grab Ann’s arm, stopping her from going any further.

            _Not what I meant, but okay._

            “The darkness must not be breached,” Ann said, voice flat and empty like Hadley’s had been, like that guy pretending to be Garneau.

            “Take that thing out,” Shepard growled, struggling to hold onto Ann as she fought against him, trying to move toward the artifact.

            Kaidan wasted no time in drawing his weapon and shooting the hell out of that artifact. Once it exploded Ann stopped struggling, taking a step backward, turning to look at Shepard in confusion.

            “You okay?” Shepard asked, watching her, hand still on her arm. She shook her head, sinking to her knees, blinking rapidly. “Cortez,” the commander said into the comm link, “we have Ann Bryson. We’re ready for pick up.”

            _Yeah, let’s get out of here._

            “On my way, Commander,” Cortez replied quickly.

            “Copy that,” Shepard said, before looking back at Ann, who was getting to her feet again. “You see the shuttle, you run. Don’t look back. Understood?”

            She nodded slowly. “Okay,” she breathed somewhat shakily. “Yes.”

            Shepard glanced at Kaidan, who nodded at him in return.

            They would have to fight to the shuttle.

            _Let’s do this._

 

Ann Bryson had no idea her father was dead until they told her on the shuttle ride back to the Normandy. It was a conversation Kaidan didn’t wish to repeat. He joined the Alliance to fight; not to tell people their loved ones were dead.

            Shepard took care of it, though, and handled it fairly well. Kaidan remained on the Normandy while the commander and EDI went to check on Ann at her father’s lab once they were back on the Citadel. Kaidan didn’t like being around crying women, after all.

            “You big baby,” Shepard told him before he left, rolling his eyes.

            So now Kaidan was finally doing those damn reports he’d been putting off, without the commander there to distract him. Not to say he didn’t enjoy the distractions… no one liked doing reports, and he enjoyed spending time with his friend, even if he sometimes had more than friendly thoughts.

            A lot of people liked Shepard, though. Liara wasn’t the first to show interest, though hers was somewhat different from the first one to really look up to and like Shepard – Jenkins, who watched Shepard like he was the patron saint of all things ‘badass’, as the guy had put it once, with so much enthusiasm.

Kaidan remembered meeting the commander for the first time. Anderson and Shepard had worked together for a while and knew each other fairly well, and Shepard left to finish his N7 training. It was at that time Kaidan came aboard the Normandy. He learned his way around without Shepard there, and only heard rumors about the man who survived Akuze. Joker seemed to like Shepard well enough, and while Kaidan sometimes found the pilot annoying with all his jokes, he’d never doubt his judgment.

            Chakwas seemed to know Shepard, though not very well. Kaidan saw her frequently enough due to his headache, before she finally found the right set of meds to give him to keep them under control for the most part. It was inconvenient, he knew, for a soldier to have such migraines which could be distracting in their line of work, but he hoped he was worth it. He worked his ass off in BAaT, worked hard to get over the fact he killed a man. Rahna was a sweet girl and while Kaidan remembered standing to protect her in some way, get retribution, he never meant to kill the guy who broke her arm.

            He didn’t particularly like the guy, but there were saints and jerks in every species, not just humans. This turian was an asshole but did that mean he deserved to die? He thought the ends justified the means. A lot of the time Kaidan felt like a test subject, a bit like a lab rat in a way.

            _“Open this box. No – with your mind. Then you can sleep.”_

            There was always a catch. Want food? Earn it. Sleep? Gotta earn that, too. Sometimes they even had to open the bathroom door with their minds. As if that wasn’t bad enough the general public steered clear of them, as though they were diseased. In a way, perhaps they were. They’d been exposed to Element Zero while in the womb, and that was the cause of the biotics, right? The implants just helped, or at least that was what they were supposed to.

            Kaidan was lucky, as he once told the commander so long ago, aboard the first Normandy while hunting down Saren.

            He only got migraines, and while they were terrible and often left him physically incapacitated at their worst, he was lucky because a lot of people weren’t alive today because of their implants. They developed brain cancer, some went crazy. He just had headaches. Lucky.

            Shepard never judged him for his biotics or for having the L2 implant when most biotics had the L3 implant, including Shepard. Kaidan stood by his judgment that the L2 implants spiked higher than the L3, except for Shepard.

            Kaidan joined the Normandy without knowing Shepard. For months he got to know the crew, including Jenkins, without the commander there. Finally the N7 training was completed, and Shepard returned to the Normandy.

            Kaidan finally got to meet the legend, and Shepard was everything Kaidan wasn’t expecting.

            From the stories he expected the strong, silent type. Perhaps brooding, due to the fact he watched his whole team die on Akuze while he alone survived. He expected this larger than life man to step into the mess that day, but instead he got a confidant man who was half an inch shorter than Kaidan himself. The military haircut was exactly as he thought it would be, but those eyes were completely different.

            He expected to see the dull gaze of a commander. Anderson often had that look, because he’d seen too much to be thrilled about much of anything. Kaidan expected jaded, dark eyes to latch onto him as he stood to greet the commander that first day. Instead, vibrant blue eyes were what he got, full of life and hope and everything Kaidan didn’t know he was looking for.

            He didn’t know it at the time, of course. He brushed off that odd sort of relief as his desire to finally meet the famous Commander Shepard. Even back then everyone seemed to have heard of him, at least the humans anyway. Now everyone in the galaxy knew who he was and what he stood for, and what’d he’d done to help them survive this far into the war.

            Was Shepard larger than life? Not at the time, no. He seemed like a normal person to Kaidan. Except he was more than that, too. Normal people judged him, both because of the biotics and the L2 implant. Shepard never did. Kaidan himself had no idea the commander was even a biotic until Shepard used those abilities on their first mission together, when they were to secure the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime, back when Nihlus was supposed to be judging if Shepard was ready to become the first human Spectre.

            Shepard never judged him because of the biotics, or anything, and that made him more than the average person Kaidan bumped into.

            That and his fighting skills, his desire to not only complete the mission but save as many people as he could along the way. Most people in command had seen too much to worry about the little things, like innocent civilians caught in the crossfire. In the report, the civilians were merely numbers to them, statistics only. If one person died here to save three others over here, that was fine with them. The ends justified the means, like back at BAaT, almost.

            Shepard never thought like that. He’d go out of his way to save one person and then double back to save the rest. Oftentimes he put his own life in danger to achieve this goal. Kaidan admired that about him back then and he still admired it now.

            Shepard had always been different. That was definitely a good thing in Kaidan’s eyes.

            And a good thing in a lot of others’ eyes as well.

            A lot of people liked Shepard. Jenkins looked up to the man like a little puppy following its master. Nothing but admiration there.

            When they picked up Ashley, she seemed to have a crush on the commander. She’d flirt as much as she could get away with, even going so far as to ask Kaidan what the two of them talked about, trying to see if Shepard was seeing anyone. While Kaidan didn’t think she would actually try anything with the commander since there were so many regulations against it, he still felt irritation in her questions. What he and Shepard discussed in private was none of her concern. He enjoyed their unofficial debriefings, as friends, and he wouldn’t risk it just because he decided to attempt to humor her and answer her questions regarding the man’s love life.

            Liara seemed to fall for the commander almost as soon as she figured out he was touched by a Prothean beacon. Kaidan once asked about the commander’s intentions with the asari because it was obvious Liara liked him. Shepard seemed confused at the time, unaware of her affections. At the time, Kaidan assumed Shepard was playing dumb on purpose and said little more about it. Now, looking back, he wondered if Shepard really had no idea she liked him.

            It was sometimes hard to tell with him.

            Shepard’s death hit them all hard. Kaidan still cringed when he thought about it and the aftermath, the slow ripple effect it had on everyone – the crew, the ‘war’, even the damn Alliance. Everyone took it hard. Liara cried for days. Kaidan knew that if Ashley were still alive, she would have punished him for screwing up so badly the commander died on them.

            _Died_ on them.

            At the time, he had refused to think about it. While in the evac pod with the others, being sent from the ship, he never once thought he wouldn’t see Shepard again. The man was larger than life for all the right reasons – an attack on the ship wouldn’t take him out, it couldn’t. The thought of him dying was almost as absurd as the thought of Kaidan himself dying, and he was perfectly fine in the escape pod.

            He thought Shepard was right behind him, he swore he did. It wasn’t a long walk to get Joker, after all. Shepard was stronger than Joker, especially with the pilot’s brittle bones. He’d have him out of there in no time.

            So when the last escape pod ejected from the Normandy before the ship exploded, Kaidan breathed a heavy sigh of relief and assumed everything was behind them. They would meet back up once the pods landed and sort everything out then, figure out who attacked them and why.

            What he had _not_ been expecting was to open the last pod and see only Joker inside. Joker, with his gaze lost and downcast and eyes misty with unshed tears. Joker, with bruise in the form of a handprint on his arm from where Shepard grabbed him, threw him to safety. Joker, who was alone.

            _Alone_.

            _“What happened?” Kaidan demanded, all but grabbing the man by the front of the shirt, eyes wild. “Where’s Shepard?”_

_Joker shook his head and Kaidan knew._

            Knew Shepard was gone. He didn’t make it off the Normandy. He was just… _gone_.

            And like that the world shifted, lurched in a way Kaidan couldn’t comprehend and his life was sent spiraling out of control.

            Look back on it now, he should have known back then he thought of Shepard as more than a friend. All the time they spent together, the fact Shepard made him relax when no one else would or could… the way Kaidan always seemed to breathe easier when the other man was around… the way he felt like he lost something so very vital to him when he opened that pod and found only Joker…

            At the time, he wrote off those feelings as those of the loss of a friend and a commander. Losing a commander wasn’t like losing a boss, he’d tried to explain to people who weren’t in the military, people in bars he went to while on the month long shore leave after the attack.

            _Yeah. Because a month away from action is all it takes to get over someone like Shepard. Right._

            _Gotta love Alliance math._

            Losing a commander was like losing a focus point. It was hard to realign one’s center without them. Losing a friend was just horrible, especially one that close despite the fact the two hadn’t really known each other more than a year when the Normandy exploded. Losing someone who was both a friend _and_ a commander…

            _Like losing a limb._

            He survived, but it was hard.

            Now that he understood those confused emotions, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed it before. Kaidan was a smart guy – he had to be in his line of work. How had he not noticed it before?

            Maybe he did, but ignored it. That seemed unlikely though because he’d taught himself to never ignore his feelings. His ‘bad feelings’ were often very right. He trusted his gut, so surely he would have noticed those feelings for the commander back then.

            More than likely, he noticed with a bit of shock, he didn’t notice those feelings then because Shepard was his first real friend. Rahna was a sweet girl and everyone liked her, and she very nice to Kaidan at BAat and everything, but her loyalty faltered when he accidentally killed her attacker with his biotics. From then on he worked very hard on his control so he would never slip up and allow it to happen again.

            When he first killed someone with his biotics while working with Shepard, he thought for sure he blew any chance at their budding friendship. He was still trying to get over the fact Shepard was even talking to him at all, because the man didn’t talk to the rest of the crew nearly as much, according to Ashely. He was still adjusting to the fact Shepard was actually trying to be his friend, and not just his commander.

            So he feared losing that friendship, even in those early stages. When he killed someone with his biotics he nearly panicked and looked at Shepard. He hadn’t meant for the blast to be so strong – it just happened. He expected to see disappointment in the commander’s eyes, hatred even. Rahna could never look him in the eye again and she always seemed a little afraid of him, of his lack of control and the fact he was strong enough to break a turian’s neck with one quick biotic kick.

            Shepard said nothing at the time, though. He smiled instead and clapped Kaidan on the shoulder before moving on like nothing happened.

            From there their friendship grew.

            But perhaps that was why Kaidan didn’t realize the change in his feelings for the man. Shepard was his first real, honest-to-God friend. His loyalty never wavered, even after Ashley’s death when Kaidan blamed himself and wasn’t sure how to get over the guilt of being chosen to live while she was left to die. Shepard stayed with him then. They had a drink and toasted her memory, and talked for hours about absolutely nothing at all. It wasn’t until later that Kaidan realized what Shepard did for him – took his mind off the situation, treated him like a person instead of a freak biotic.

            Kaidan never had a real friend like that before. Perhaps he just assumed that, when he saw Shepard and relaxed, or when Shepard died and he felt so torn, that it was normal because how would he know otherwise? He didn’t have anything to compare their friendship to. For all he knew all friends felt like that.

            It wasn’t until later he realized how different his reaction had been from the others. Garrus was Shepard’s friend too, but he didn’t lash out at random people or leave the room whenever someone mentioned Shepard’s name. After his death, hearing people talk about him just left Kaidan so angry.

            _You don’t know him,_ he’d wanted to shout, because he liked to think he knew Shepard best. He liked to think he meant as much to Shepard as Shepard meant to him.

            The absence of such a friend…

            There was no comparison, in his mind.

            So he threw himself into his work at the time. It was the easiest way to deal with everything.

            Now, though… throwing himself into his work just seemed like a waste of time. He stared at his report, not even half way done with it despite the fact it had been a while since the commander and EDI went to the Citadel. He glanced at the time on the data pad. Nearly two hours had already passed and the commander wasn’t back yet.

            Perhaps he should check on him, see how things were going.

            He scrubbed a hand over his face, palm scratching against the rough stubble. It had been a while since he shaved. Shaving was the least of his worries right now, honestly.

            Right now he had to worry about keeping his feelings to himself so he didn’t screw anything up.

            And then it hit him.

            _Shepard’s been acting like I have, kind of._

            Shepard kept coming around to spend time with him. Kept sending him messages, inviting him up to his cabin to play cards, kept talking to him at all hours of the night when the rest of the crew was sleeping (even though there was no true ‘day or night’ in space)…

            Shepard’s eyes seemed to soften when he looked at Kaidan. The sentinel never quite noticed it before. Maybe he had but dismissed it just like he had his own feelings.

            He didn’t know.

            All he knew was that Shepard seemed to trust him… a lot. His faith and loyalty to Kaidan never wavered. He always smiled at him, seemed to relax when Kaidan entered the room, went on missions with him…

            _Could he…?_

            _“ **You** mean a lot to me.”_

            Kaidan got to his feet, sighing heavily.

            _He could have meant a lot of things. Don’t jump to conclusions._

            But still, there was the faintest bit of… hope, in the deep crevices of his mind, firmly shoved into the back of his thoughts. Usually Kaidan shoved those thoughts aside because they didn’t really matter, especially not during a damn _war_ , but now he pulled them out and looked at them with a new perspective.

            Shepard could have shared the ramen with anyone, _yet he chose Kaidan_.

            Shepard could have sent those random messages to anyone, _yet he chose Kaidan_.

            Shepard could have gained more war assets if he sent the sentinel to Admiral Hackett, _yet he chose Kaidan_.

            Shepard could have spent his free time with Liara or Tali or Garrus, _yet he chose Kaidan_.

            He chose Kaidan.

            _Does that mean…?_

            _Could he…?_

            At this point Kaidan wasn’t sure what he wanted more – for the commander to possibly return his feelings, or for Shepard to simply see him as a friend.

            If he found out the commander did feel for him as he did for Shepard… it would become that much harder to keep his thoughts to himself, and not try… _something_ , with the man.

            If he realized Shepard did not feel that way, he could get on with his life. It would hurt, definitely, but he was okay with being friends. He was happy being here on the Normandy, part of the crew’s life… _Shepard’s_ life.

            While his mind told him not to say anything to Shepard for fear of rejection or damaging their friendship, a much larger part entertained the idea that, for just a moment, Shepard _did_ return the sentiment.

            _I bet he tastes like oil and a hot summer day._

            _Are his lips soft or firm?_

_Boxers or briefs?_

_Gentle or forceful?_

            Never before had he entertained those thoughts, allowed his mind to wander down such a bath. He had a lot of control over his thoughts, after all, after having trained so damn hard to control his biotics which were locked in with his emotions and his mind. It was easy to lock thoughts and memories away, such as the memories of BAaT and Rahna’s expression when Kaidan killed that turian asshole.

            Now he carefully flicked through those thoughts, those… _desires_.

            The concept of ‘straight’ or ‘gay’ or anything like that had little meaning anymore. No one cared who you liked as long as they made you happy. One could always adopt children or have donors or something. People didn’t always do things for the sake of ‘reproduction’, after all, as Shepard once told EDI. They did it out of love.

            _Love?_

            Where did that word come from?

            He did have feelings for Shepard… but that didn’t mean he loved him. Not like that. Or did it?

            _What is love, really?_

            A state of mind. A feeling of belonging, the desire to please the person, to never let them down. Complete and utter faith and loyalty even against the odds. Happiness when the other person was near, sadness when apart. Two lives woven together so intricately it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended.

            _Yeah. Something like that._

            Kaidan liked being around Shepard. He felt like he’d died himself when the commander did, when he lost that vital connection in his life, that source of comfort and hope. He disliked the idea of Tali being with the commander – jealousy, then? Not of their sexual encounters, though. Jealous of their _bond_ , their closeness. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally.

            Tali showed Shepard her face, an act of utter faith and trust. Her loyalty never faltered. Kaidan couldn’t say the same.

            He always believed in Shepard. That was never the problem. The problem was that he wasn’t… sure if it _was_ Shepard, back on Horizon. Cerberus was not to be trusted and they rebuilt him from the ground up, gave him a crew and a ship. A new _life_. Kaidan trusted Shepard but it was hard to believe Shepard was really there, really the person standing before him. It could have been a clone, a robot, something else entirely. He had no idea.

            He knew otherwise now, though. Shepard was alive. So very _alive_ and _not dead_ and _not gone_ and he was somewhere on the Citadel and Kaidan was just standing here like a statue…

            He wasn’t sure if it was love, but it was _something_ , and he should really get this off his chest. If nothing else he needed to tell Shepard so he could find out once and for all how the other man felt, if he needed to move closer to step away. It would hurt, but he needed to know.

            He snagged his laptop, sending Shepard a quick message before he headed out.

            _Shepard,_

_We need to talk. I’ll be at Apollo’s. I’ll buy._

_Kaidan._

           

 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for - The Presidium scene in which romance is finally approached, but with some of my own dialogue and everything, though it's still mostly game-dialogue.

Chapter Fifteen

 

The Presidium was beautiful. It always had been, Kaidan recalled. He remembered showing Shepard around when the commander first came to the Citadel, taking in the views. They had little time to do so, though, because they had work to do. Hunting down information on Saren was tough and involved a few assassins, a raid on Chora’s Den, and encountering Tali and saving her from her would-be murderers.

            When they came back, it hadn’t been pretty. The Council refused to help them and grounded their ship. Things slowly slipped out of control from there. Shepard looked almost defeated at the time, a sight Kaidan hoped to never see again. Even back then he hated the sight of those downcast blue eyes, that uncertain cascade of shadow’s down the semi-tan face, the downward twitch of his lips as he sighed and frowned and all but collapsed against the weapons’ lockers.

            When they returned again, this time to save the Council and the Citadel despite the fact they turned their back on the fight before it even really started, there was no time to look around or do much of anything except fight. Fight their way to Saren, fight past the husks and Geth and krogan battlemasters. It had been a hell of a battle but in the end they won, everyone lived and still there was no time to look around. From there, they’d been taken to the hospital to be looked over and treated for their injuries. Kaidan had several cracked ribs and breathing was a bit of an issue. Garrus had a concussion from smacking his head against the ground when the debris crashed through the window after the final battle. Shepard had internal bleeding and bruised ribs.

            After they were healed they were sent out to hunt down Geth. From there they were sent to discover why several ships had vanished when scouting one region. They were told to find out if the Geth were involved because the Normandy had the most experience with the machines, how to fight them and everything.

            And then the Collector ship attacked even though they didn’t know it was the Collectors at the time. After that there was time… a month long break from the Alliance, a month to grieve. Time to look around at the sights and take in the beauty of the galaxy, but that was the farthest thing from Kaidan’s mind then. Instead of taking in the beauty as he’d planned to do before, he spent most of his time trying to forget the life he wanted back so badly, struggling to drown the pain as though the answer to how to get rid of what he was feeling was the bottom of every bottle.

            Now there was time. For the moment, at least. Time to simply _breathe_ and look around. The Citadel was a beautiful place – always had been, always would be. The greenery throughout it was breathtaking, the picture of peace and tranquility. One only needed to look to feel more relaxed and calm.

            Kaidan had never been to Apollo’s before so he didn’t know anything about this place, what they had to offer here, but it seemed cheap enough and was in a convenient location. Not to mention, of course, the view.

            He got a table facing the view and sat down to wait. He had no idea when the commander would be done with Ann Bryson, had no idea if Shepard would even take him up on his offer. For all he knew Shepard was back on the Normandy, impatiently waiting for him to get back so they could race off toward their next mission which would no doubt continue to involve Leviathan.

            As he sat, looking at the view, his nerves spiked. Suddenly he was breathless because at any given moment, Shepard could show up. He’d show up, sit down, and Kaidan would talk about his _feelings_. He’d tell Shepard how he thought about him more often than not; how there was a part of him that wanted to be _more than friends_.

            Kaidan had never been with anyone before. He wasn’t a virgin by any definition of the word, but his relationships in the past had been one-night stands achieved during the peak of shore leave and forgotten as soon as he returned to active duty. It could never be more than that. He would never ask someone to wait for him while he went out to fight and could possibly die while doing so. Long distance relationships just didn’t work, no matter what anyone else tried to tell him.

            It was hard enough keeping in contact with his own family, let alone potential love interests.

            _Family._

            A lump formed in his throat. His mom had been located but his dad was still MIA. He hadn’t talked to them in a while. Months. Now he might never be able to really talk to them again. All he knew was that his mother was alive – he wasn’t sure what condition she was in, where she was, or what the war was like there. Just because she was alive didn’t mean Kaidan would ever see her again. He could easily die on the next mission – they all could. It was always a risk.

            Shepard would fight tooth and nail to keep that from happening, Kaidan knew, but some things couldn’t be helped. Ashley’s death couldn’t be helped. It took him a long time to come to terms with that stop feeling nothing but immense guilt every time he thought about her and her untimely demise. Eventually he did stop blaming himself because there had been no other option.

            Returning to save Kaidan was logical. Kaidan was closer. The path there was clear because that was the way they came from. In time, Kaidan came to accept this. There was no way to quickly get to Ashely without potentially getting killed himself. Shepard, God help him, made the right choice.

            That didn’t make it right. That didn’t make it any easier. That didn’t make Ashley’s death more bearable.

            But it did help.

            Not everyone could be saved. Ashely was dead, Kaidan was alive, but that could change very soon. His mother’s well-being could also change. His father…

            He didn’t want to think about that right now. He and his parents left off on less than friendly terms. An argument of sorts, if one could call it that. His mother never raised her voice but there was disapproval in her tone. He couldn’t even remember what the argument was about now. It wasn’t important. Back then it caused a heated discussion but now… now it meant absolutely nothing because arguments weren’t as important as family.

            As friends and loved ones.

            “Kaidan.”

            The voice startled him so much he jumped, jerking in his chair as he turned his head to see Shepard standing next to him. “Shep-… Ryan. Hi.”

            “Hi,” Shepard said, quirking a brow at him. Kaidan wondered if he could hear the quickening beats of his heart, the blood rushing through his veins.

            “Sit,” Kaidan said, gesturing at the chair across from him. “We, um… we need to talk.”

            “Are you breaking up with me?” Shepard joked.

            Kaidan’s mouth went dry. It must have shown on his face because all traces of humor left those blue eyes and Shepard gave a tight nod, finally sitting down.

            “What’s on your mind, Kaidan?”

            Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly, trying to calm his nerves. He was a biotic, dammit, he could do this. He was only talking. It wasn’t like he was fighting Saren again. It wasn’t like he was on Rannoch facing a Reaper. It wasn’t like he was fighting for his life after a run in with an android.

            It was a simple conversation with Shepard.

            If he could handle all that, he could definitely handle this.

            _He hasn’t judged me so far… let’s hope it stays that way._

            Everyone had their limits, after all. Maybe this would be Shepard’s.

            Doubt clouded his mind.

            _What if he hates me._

            Perhaps he shouldn’t say anything. He could easily make up an excuse for why he was here, why he’d told Shepard to meet him, what they needed to talk about… He could lie. He didn’t like lying, especially to his friends, but he thought that maybe lying right now would be so much better than the truth, his real reasons for asking Shepard to meet him here.

            “Kaidan. Hey.” Fingers snapped in front of his face and he blinked, focusing on those narrowed blue eyes. “Are you okay?”

            “I’m fine,” Kaidan replied with a sigh, scrubbing a hand across his face. “Just, um… I… I feel good about our chances.”

            _What?_

            “Yeah?” Shepard asked, quirking a brow.

            “Yeah. Helps me… sleep better.”

            _You lying liar, you._

            “You’re not sleeping, Kaidan?” Shepard sounded concerned.

            _Great._

            “Might be a little restless,” he admitted, shaking his head.

            _Tell him. Don’t be a baby. Do what you came here for, Major._

            Right. He was Major Kaidan Alenko. Second human Spectre. He could do this, dammit.

            _Well… here goes nothing._

            “It’s just…” Crap, how to say it without sounding like an idiot? Without sending Shepard running for the hills?

            “You can tell me anything, you know,” Shepard said quietly, and Kaidan’s gaze snapped toward him to find the commander half leaning forward, elbows on the table, blue gaze locked onto him.

            Like he was the only thing that mattered.

            _Wait, what? No. Don’t assume… He probably doesn’t… He…_

            Dammit.

            “My life flashed before my eyes on Mars,” he said finally. “And there weren’t enough moments like this.”

            _Alright. Keep going._

            He took in a breath. “With… people I care about.” His gaze slid back toward Shepard, wondering if this was too vague, if he understood. Maybe if he kept this vague enough, he could tell Shepard without actually telling him, get a feel for the waters, so to speak. Instead of just diving right in.

            Shepard nodded slowly. “I see.”

            _Do you? Do you really?_

            “I’m glad we’re… taking the time to do this,” Kaidan said, seemingly stalling yet again, but he was just so damn nervous. What if he ruined everything by saying something? What if it worked and they did get together? There were so many regulations against it.

            Then again, it might have been the end of days.

            They were running out of time. The Reapers could win if they weren’t careful.

            _If we all died tomorrow… I’d regret not saying anything. Even if it fails._

            He had to do this.

            “I could use a… sanity check.”

            “Sanity check, huh?” Shepard asked, still watching him as though he were a hunter studying its prey.

A chill inched up Kaidan’s spine but it wasn’t a bad one. He kind of liked that intense gaze, could imagine it wandering down his body, studying… watching…

            “What’s going on, K?”

            _K._

            Shepard rarely used the nickname even though he’d specifically asked if Kaidan would let him call him that. Kaidan agreed because nicknames were important in friendships. However, he wasn’t so sure he would let anyone else call him that name. Not after hearing Shepard use it while also looking at him with that intense gaze…

            _K. I could get used to K._

            More than used to it.

            “Talk to me,” Shepard said, snapping him from his thoughts yet again.

            _He’s going to think you’re sick if you keep this up, and then he’ll never believe you._

            Where that thought came from, he didn’t know, but it made him able to continue, finally.

            “It’s just…” he started again, but again he couldn’t find the words, how to say it properly.

            _Just say it. I care about you. I like you. A lot more than I should. I care about you. I like you. A lot more than I should. I care-_

_Yeah, yeah, I get it. It’s not that simple._

_Why not?_

            He frowned. Why not.

            “You plan a career,” he found himself saying quietly, averting his gaze toward the table, unable to watch Shepard’s reaction just yet. “You focus. And… then the world’s ending and it’s too late to… uh…” He couldn’t stop the glance toward Shepard despite the fact he told himself not to do so. The commander was watching him intently, listening to every word, every breath. He looked back down at the table. “Too late to find someone.”

            “Someone?” Shepard echoed.

            Kaidan swallowed thickly. “We’ve known each other a long time, Ryan.” A breath. “Have you ever known me to be with anyone?”

            He wanted to look at Shepard, see how he was taking all of this, what his next move should be… if he should keep going or apologize and leave…

            The facial expression would let him know. Give him hope or crush him.

            Either way he’d know.

            He couldn’t do it, though. Not if he wanted to finish saying this. Not if he wanted to get it out in the open.

            _Keep going._

            “I guess I’m just… choosey, or patient, or…” He released a somewhat shaky breath. “I don’t know.”

            _Tell him. Keep going._

            It wasn’t that simple, though. Thinking it in his head and saying it aloud were two entirely different things, especially about this.

            Especially about Shepard.

            _Don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me._

            Shepard was the only one who never doubted him, never judged him, never looked at him like he was messed up, wrong. He didn’t think Shepard would mind the fact Kaidan was liking another guy – again, those things didn’t matter anymore, not really – but he probably would mind the fact Kaidan liked _him_.

            It was easy to be supportive until it concerned you.

            Then the lines blurred.

            _Just don’t hate me. I like our friendship. Don’t let me be ruining it._

            Not after he just got it back. Got back to some semblance of _normal_.

            Got his life back.

            “Maybe it’s just I’ve never found…”

            _No, try again._

            He took in a breath. “What I want, is…”

            _Blue eyes, soft lips, gentle caress, friendship, love, loyalty, Shepard,_ don’t hate me _…_

“What do you want, Kaidan?”

            He couldn’t look at the man, not just yet. He had to keep going. Shepard’s soft spoken words, full of curiosity and an emotion Kaidan couldn’t identify, left him drawing in the breath to do so.

            “What I want is something deeper with someone I already… _care about_.”

            _That’s all I can say. I don’t know how…_

            He couldn’t say any more. He just… he couldn’t. Shepard would have to understand from that and if he didn’t… if he couldn’t…

            _Don’t hate me._

            “That’s what I want,” he whispered quietly, finally – _finally_ – dragging his gaze from the whiteness of the table top up to Shepard’s face, to those too-blue eyes watching his every move, cataloging his every curve and shadow, an inspection he never saw coming.

            _Does he…?_

            “What do you want?” he managed to get past his dry mouth, tongue sticking to the roof of it.

            Shepard watched him for a long moment. There wasn’t anger in his eyes, or annoyance or even judgment. There wasn’t understanding, either, or… well, Kaidan wasn’t sure what he was looking for. A hint, maybe, but there wasn’t anything. Shepard’s gaze wasn’t dark or cold, wasn’t inviting nor pushing him away. Instead it just… simply _was_ , and Kaidan felt his breath catch in his throat as he waited anxiously for a response.

            “You and me?” Shepard finally asked, somehow keeping his voice neutral, never blinking. “Is that what you’re suggesting?”

            _Oh, God. He gets it. He knows._

            Kaidan drew in a shaky, uncertain breath and tried to collect his thoughts, regain his control. He could feel it slipping away, bit by bit, barriers slipping in his mind. He felt the twitch of his biotic energy around him and carefully sealed the power again, carefully closing the lid because he couldn’t lose control here. Not simply because he was having a conversation. This wouldn’t be what snapped his control.

            “It feels right, doesn’t it?” he asked, hoping Shepard did feel it too and he wasn’t simply looking like an idiot. He wasn’t sure what he’d do after he asked that, what he’d do if Shepard glared and stormed away.

            More silence. It was nearly palpable.

            Kaidan’s biotics itched to break it, cut through it.

            Finally Shepard drew in a breath. “It’d be nice to have someone to turn to when things got grim,” he admitted quietly, and Kaidan released the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

            _Is he…? Does he…?_

            He tried not to get his hopes up.

            The bright side wasn’t always so bright, after all.

            “Someone to live for,” Shepard continued, and Kaidan watched him.

            Shepard had something to die for – the war. A worthy cause. Saving people. Anything.

            Kaidan never thought about what Shepard’s reason to live was. Determination, he thought. He wouldn’t let the Reapers win. He wouldn’t give in. But on a personal level…? Who did Shepard have?

            No family.

            Friends, but very few true ones. Kaidan himself had betrayed the man on several occasions and those were actions he could never take back, no matter how much he wanted to. If he could do Horizon all over again he’d do everything differently. He wouldn’t question anything. He would go with Shepard, Alliance be damned.

            “Maybe _love_ ,” Shepard said, voice so quiet and rough that Kaidan almost missed them, caught in his thoughts again. His gaze snapped back toward the commander’s face to find Shepard’s own eyes looking out at the view, head turned just enough to do so.

            “Someone?” He hoped his voice didn’t crack in that word. Maybe he misunderstood Shepard. For all he knew the commander could be talking about Liara, or Tali, or someone new.

            _I’m sorry, I’ll go. I just…_

            Shepard’s gaze snapped back toward him, filled with a clarity that hadn’t been there before. Kaidan’s breath caught in his throat as he was all but held captive by that gaze.

            “ _You_ , Kaidan.”

            Kaidan stared because he could not have heard that correctly. Did Shepard just say…?

            “Me?” he whispered in return, wondering if this was some dream. For all he knew, Shepard got pissed and knocked him out and this was all in his head. Honestly, it would make more sense than for Shepard to have said _that_ to him.

            _If this is real he basically said he loves me. Maybe love, that’s what he said._

            Shepard released what might have been a sigh or a breathy chuckle, Kaidan wasn’t sure. “It does,” he said.

            “Does what?” he asked, confused.

            “It does feel right,” Shepard replied, a faint smile twitching to life on his lips. Kaidan’s eyes snapped down toward them briefly, watching as they moved. “After all this time…”

            _It feels right. Very right._

            “You and me…” Shepard seemed to be working through it on his own. Kaidan didn’t know what to say, still in shock that Shepard was even saying all of this, so he stayed quiet for the time being and let the commander talk. “You and me. I like that.” Now the faint smile fully bloomed, spreading across his face. “A lot.”

            _He likes it. He likes me. He…_

_He feels the same._

_He doesn’t hate me._

_Everything’s okay. Great, even._

            “And that,” Kaidan said, finally having found his voice, “makes me very happy.”

            _There is no scale for this level of happiness. Cloud nine is nothing. I could literally kiss you right now and not give a damn about who saw. I won’t… but I could._

            He wouldn’t draw attention to them. He’d never do that to Shepard. But right now all he could think about was what he might do in private, because if Shepard was really saying all of this, he could do all those things he never pictured.

            All those things he fought down. Tried to hide, locked away so he could think clearly.

            “You’re happy?” Shepard asked, looking halfway amused and halfway curious.

            “Of course I am,” Kaidan said. “Do you know how much I agonized about telling you any of this? Jesus, Shepard.”

            “Really? You announce your undying love for me and then call me Shepard?” The commander quirked a brow at him. “That hurts, K.”

            “Sorry. Ryan. I just, um. You make me kind of… nervous.”

            Now Shepard grinned. “ _I_ make you nervous?”

            “Incredibly,” Kaidan replied with a quick nod.

            “How can I make you nervous? I’m not even doing anything.”

            “Yet you’re still doing a very good job of it.”

            Shepard shook his head, smirking. “But you’re happy, right?”

            “Very,” Kaidan said with a relieved smile of his own. “And there are benefits to that happiness.”

            “Oh really?”

            _Is that a challenge?_

            “Yes,” Kaidan said, sitting back with a nod, gaze focused on Shepard in what he hoped was halfway intimidating. “Really.”

            Shepard shook his head, chuckling, looking entirely relaxed and comfortable despite his usual uniform. “What’d you call it? A sanity check?”

            Kaidan grinned. “Sanity check.”

            “I like that. We’ll definitely have to do that again later.”

            Kaidan swallowed, mouth dry again. “And how are we going to do that?”

            Shepard’s grin was predatory in nature. “After this mission’s over, I’ll have to show you.”

            _Yes. Please do._

            “I’ll hold you to that,” he said somewhat roughly.

 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

 

“Can we do this?” Kaidan asked quietly, breaking the comfortable silence which sat between them in the shuttle. Ann said she might have found something on Leviathan’s whereabouts so they were heading toward her father’s lab now. Kaidan decided to accompany Shepard, unable to tear himself away after their lunch date.

            _Date. Was it a date?_

            He honestly didn’t know. He felt happy and confused all in one. He had the urge to touch and feel and do all those things he never allowed himself to think about before. The sentiments seemed to be returned if Shepard’s gazes were anything to go by. Kaidan couldn’t wait for this mission to be over so he could have a _real_ sanity check.

            He was still in shock over the fact than an hour ago, Shepard said he returned those feelings. An hour ago Kaidan was sitting at the table, nervously waiting for Shepard to join him so he could confess his feelings. He’d been worried, of course, and his nerves were fried, but in the end it turned out much better than he would have hoped.

            And then he remembered why he’d once decided not to say anything.

            _A million regs against it. People could die if we get distracted._

            “Do what?” Shepard all but hummed, and Kaidan turned their attention to their hands, intertwined between them in the empty space between the seats of the shuttle. Kaidan couldn’t remember reaching for Shepard’s hand, nor could he remember Shepard grabbing his, but somehow there they were, thumbs tracing light circles against smooth skin almost unconsciously.

            _This feels nice. Like it was… meant to be. Right._

            Kaidan would never deny this didn’t feel completely and utterly _right_. It was true he hadn’t actually serious been with anyone before, but this was different. This was slow and steady and everything he wanted and needed all wrapped into one. This was crazy and insane and wonderful and breathtaking and he didn’t want it to end.

            His mind kept coming back to those regs, though.

            “You’re my commanding officer,” Kaidan said quietly. “We work together.”

            Shepard’s hand went slack in his own. Kaidan frowned and tightened his own grip in case the other man was thinking about pulling away. This was all Kaidan got to have for the time being – he wasn’t letting go. He’d waited a long time to get this far, to be given this chance. He’d wasted so many chances already. Who knew where the two of them could be if they’d done this sooner?

            But the regulations…

            _“I’m an Alliance soldier,”_ he once told Shepard on Horizon, looking at the man as though betrayed. _“Always have been, always will be. I know where my loyalties lie.”_

            And the Alliance had regulations against this very thing.

            Shepard was quiet for a long time. Kaidan didn’t think he was going to get a verbal response, and tightened his grip on the hand yet again. Fingers twitched in his grasp, lightly struggling, but it wasn’t a serious attempt, not really. He watched Shepard, watched the way his eyes focused out the window, watched his free hand press the mechanics to steer, watched the shoulders droop somewhat.

            It was the droop that got him.

            _Defeated._

            No.

            “Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly, “we could all die tomorrow. I don’t think anyone is going to give us any problems about seeing each other.” A pause. “If that’s what you want.”

            _If that’s what I…?_

            “Of course it is,” he said, almost too quickly, and he took a breath to steady himself. “We’ve wasted enough time, Ryan. I meant everything I said. Did you?”

            _Moment of truth, Ry._

            Shepard’s gaze slid toward him briefly. “Of course I did,” he said.

            Kaidan nodded, that tiny ball of doubt dispersing before it even began to form. “There could be repercussions, though.”

            “I died once already,” Shepard said with a shrug. “I think I can handle it.”

            “Shepard…”

            “Ryan.”

            Kaidan nodded. “Right. Um… look, I didn’t tell you this to put you in a tough situation. I just thought you should… know how I felt.” His ears burned and he didn’t quite know how to continue. He could feel the commander’s gaze on him even though his own eyes were focused out the passenger side window. “If it causes problems… we can ignore it.”

            “Ignore it?” Shepard echoed. Kaidan could feel the holes being stared into the side of his head. “Is that what you want?”

            Shepard’s tone was quiet, reserved. _Guarded_.

            Kaidan snapped his head around to look at the man, at the set of his jaw, the tense stiffening of his shoulders. “No,” he said, glaring at the man. “Stop it. I didn’t mean it like that and you know it.”

            “Do I?”

            “Yes,” Kaidan said. “Or at least you _should_. When have you ever known me to not speak my mind?”

            That gave the commander pause. Finally he nodded and glanced back at Kaidan, blue eyes searching, but for what, the sentinel didn’t know. Had no way of finding out because finally Shepard’s hand wasn’t slack in his anymore, but was squeezing back. He looked down at their combined hands, where skin melded into skin, fingers lost in a tangled web.

            “I don’t want to ignore it,” Kaidan said, needing Shepard to understand. “I like it. I told you that! I just… don’t want you to be put in a bad situation.”

            “Kaidan. Look around. Do you really think the Alliance is worried about regulations at a time like this?”

            Kaidan frowned. He hadn’t thought about it that way, but now he wondered why he’d been worrying at all. As he thought earlier, tomorrow they could all day. Live each day to the fullest, right?

            _Live like you’re dying._

            That meant no regrets. Do everything as though it were the first and last time you’d ever be doing so. Regulations didn’t matter because if they lost this way, they were all dead anyway. If they won this war, they would have won the right to be together despite the regulations and all the political bullshit. Either way, it didn’t really matter.

            All that mattered was the here and now.

            All that mattered was…

            _Shepard._

 

Ann figured out a way to track Leviathan. Kaidan didn’t like the plan at all.

            She was going to undo the barrier around the artifact and allow Leviathan to control her for a moment so EDI could track it. It could only be tracked when it was using the artifacts because of their unique, dark energy signature. It sounded complicated but when you got down to it, it was dangerous and he didn’t like it.

            “You don’t have to do this,” Shepard said to Ann for what seemed like the thousandth time. Ann tossed him a glare instead of answering, obviously tired of his concern, his questions and attempts at getting her to change her mind.

            “This is dangerous,” Kaidan said, standing next to Shepard. If the two stood a little closer than they normally did, no one noticed. “There’s got to be another way.”

            “There’s not,” Ann said, “and time is of the essence. I can do this.”

            Kaidan and Shepard shared looks. They’d been arguing for close to ten minutes and thus far they’d gotten nowhere.

            “Do you think your biotics could maybe help shield her?” Shepard asked.

            Kaidan frowned. “I didn’t think about that, but I can try.”

            Shepard nodded. “Please do. We’re not getting anywhere standing here arguing. We need answers and we need them now.” He turned toward the young doctor. “Ann, sit there, please.” He gestured at a wooden hair off to the side before he turned and faced Kaidan again. “I need you to try to help her and protect her as much as you can. If anything gets too rough let me know, okay?”

            Kaidan nodded slowly. “Okay.”

            “I’d do it myself but doc says no biotics,” Shepard sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face.

            Kaidan nodded again. “I don’t mind. Do you think this will work?”

            “I don’t know, but it’s the only option we have right now. And we’re running out of time.”

            That was certainly true. Every day, thousands more innocent people died. Time was not a luxury they had at the moment. Did they ever have that luxury? Looking back, it seemed they’d always been in a rush, dashing from one mission to the next, not time to think or breathe in-between.

            Kaidan walked toward the chair Ann sat in. The young woman looked up at him, brown eyes uncertain but narrowed in determination. It was a look he recognized, knew he’d seen Shepard wear on more than one occasion. If she was anything like the commander, she’d be fine.

            He didn’t say words of comfort. He didn’t smile reassuringly. Instead he brought his hands up and rested them gently on Ann’s shoulders, knowing that if Leviathan took control, it would be angry. It managed to put a man in a vegetative state because they simply asked about the Leviathan. This time they were trying to track it. He needed to be ready for absolutely anything.

            Ann nodded to Shepard. The barrier came down and EDI walked toward the mapping system along the far wall, ready to start tracking the dark energy signature.

            Kaidan really hoped this worked.

            “I feel a chill,” Ann said, giving Shepard a meaningful look, and Kaidan’s fingers tightened on her shoulders. Shepard turned to face EDI.

            “There is nothing yet,” the mech said.

            “What the…?” Kaidan asked as Ann suddenly began fighting him, struggling to get out of the seat. It took a great deal of effort to keep her seated in the chair. He had to use his biotics as a type of barrier, keeping her suspended in place, her movements ceasing.

            “Turn back,” she said with that hauntingly monotone voice the others had used as well. “The darkness can’t be breached.”

            _What is this darkness?_

            Everyone kept mention it. It was important but he had no idea what it meant.

            Shepard faced her, walking toward her a little bit. Ice crawled over Kaidan’s skin, a presence nudging at his mind. His hands were still firmly clasped onto Ann’s shoulders, keeping her still despite the fact the biotics flowing through him were already doing that. Perhaps this was his own way of staying anchored, of not losing focus.

            It was the usual feeling he seemed to get whenever it concerned someone being controlled by Leviathan.

            “I found you,” Shepard said, watching Ann. “And the Reapers are right behind me.”

            “You have brought them…” Ann’s voice changed then, and Kaidan had trouble maintaining the connection with his biotics. It became that much harder to keep her restrained. “ **You are a threat!”**

            “So are you,” Shepard replied calmly.

            _Just get the lock on the signal, EDI, c’mon._

            “I’ve seen what you can do. The war needs you.”

            _Fighting Reapers with Reapers. Dammit._

            **“There is no war – there is only the Harvest!”**

            There was a ringing in Kaidan’s ears. A sharp pain echoed through his head.

            Shepard looked at him. “EDI,” he said, “do we have enough?”

            “Partial lock,” the mech replied. “Maintain connection to narrow the search.”

            Kaidan nodded at Shepard. He was okay, Ann was okay, just under someone else’s control. They could hold it a little longer. Shepard nodded back at him and returned his focus to Ann.

            “We can fight them,” he said, “we can win this.”

            **“The cycle cannot be broken.”**

            Kaidan remembered something along those words from years ago, while hunting Saren. A sort of VI or something like that called Vigil. It mentioned something about a cycle, he thought. Javik himself even mentioned it.

            “You’re wrong,” Shepard said, shaking his head.

            The ringing grew louder, buzzing through Kaidan’s mind. He clenched his eyes closed, struggling to think clearly, stay in control. He wanted to tear his hands away from Ann, break that connection, but he kept his grip because he knew this was their only chance, and it was all that was restraining the woman. She was a lot stronger while under Leviathan’s control.

            _Leviathan doesn’t seem to like Shepard. Need to keep her restrained._

            It was getting hard, though.

            Sweat dripped down his face. He tasted blood and realized his nose was bleeding.

            HE didn’t hear the rest of the conversation. All he knew was that suddenly the ringing stopped and there were firm, warm hands on _his_ shoulders. The connection snapped and he pulled away from Ann, opening his eyes to find Shepard standing there, blue eyes narrowed in concern.

            “Ryan?” he breathed, swallowing thickly.

            “We got a partial lock,” Shepard replied, frowning at him. “Are you okay?”

            Kaidan nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just… How’s Ann?”

            He looked down at the woman who sat almost limply in the chair. Her eyes were open, though, and she was breathing somewhat heavily, blood dripping down her nose as she looked at him.

            “I’m okay,” she said.

            Kaidan nodded, relieved.

            Shepard’s hands tightened somewhat on his shoulders, causing him to look back at the commander. He smiled and nodded, hoping to convey that he was okay, the experience was just more than he’d been expecting. He had a headache but he could handle those just fine – he had them often enough.

            Shepard finally sighed and released his hold. Kaidan wouldn’t lie to himself by saying he didn’t miss the feeling of warmth.

            “EDI, will you escort Ann to the hospital for me?”

            The mech nodded. “Certainly, Shepard.”

            Her cold, metallic hands grabbed Ann’s arm, lightly hauling her to her feet. Ann looked at Shepard. “It’s angry,” she said quietly.

            “I know. So am I.”

            She watched him for a moment, eyes somewhat bloodshot, dark rings around them. “I think it wants to kill you.”

            “Noted,” Shepard said before nodding at EDI to get her out of there. Once the two were out of sight he looked back at Kaidan. “Sit.”

            “What?”

            “Sit.”

            Kaidan sighed and sat in the now empty chair. He looked over at the artifact to find that the barrier was back up. The orb was no longer glowing.

            _Good. That things is trouble._

            “Talk to me,” Shepard said, standing in front of him, arms folded across his chest.

            “About what?”

            “Don’t play dumb. What happened?”

            “I don’t know. It was just… intense. Loud.”

            “Loud?” Shepard echoed, frowning at him.

            Kaidan nodded. “You didn’t hear it?”

            Shepard blinked. “The ringing?”

            “Yeah.”

            “I heard it but I wasn’t using my biotics, so…”

            Kaidan nodded. “Be thankful, it was loud. I’m okay, though.”

            “I still think Dr. Chakwas should check you out when we get back to the Normandy.”

            “What? You’re sicking her on me now?”

            Shepard smiled faintly. “Role reversal is part of life.”

 

Dr. Chakwas said he was fine, but shouldn’t try to maintain such a connection again for a while. She gave him painkillers for the headache and sent him to bed.

            Sleep wasn’t easy to come by, though. He lay awake in the Observation Room, on his side, looking out the large wall of windows, watching the stars in the distance. His mind and thoughts kept wandering back toward earlier that day, in the Presidium. Shepard felt the same way and this was happening, apparently.

            Who gave a damn about regs when life as they knew it could possibly be ending? Some things were far more important than rules. Hadn’t they sacrificed enough in their lives? Shepard more than anyone, Kaidan knew. The man had died once already and was brought back simply so he could keep fighting. Even in death the man couldn’t win, couldn’t catch a break.

            _Ding._

            Kaidan’s gaze shifted toward the laptop across the room. He debated checking it but was certain it would be Shepard. He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad, but either way his breath caught in his throat. After staring at it for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of looking at it and replying, he finally got to his feet and crossed the room.

            He wanted to talk to Shepard, continue discussing this… whatever it was, between them. He wanted it to continue, wanted more than he thought he did at one point in time. He’d never entertained those thoughts because he hadn’t expected Shepard to feel the same. If anything he’d expected Shepard to at the very least back off because the feelings weren’t returned. He could live with that, as long as it was finally in the open. Now, though…

            Shepard felt the same.

            A whole new outlook was opened up, one he hadn’t allowed himself to think about before. Now he nervously opened his laptop to check the message.

            _Hey. You still up?_

            Kaidan swallowed and replied.

            _Yeah. Can’t sleep._

_Ding._

_Me neither. Can we talk?_

Great. There it was. Maybe reality caught up with Shepard, the fact he’d told Kaidan all those things. Perhaps he regretted it. It certainly could complicate things. Not just for them, but for everyone else as well. Their decision could affect others.

            Either way, though, they did need to talk. If Shepard wanted to take back what he said, that was fine – but Kaidan wanted to just go ahead and get it over with so he could return to his room and lick his wounds in peace, and move on with his life.

            _On my way._

           

The elevator ride up to Shepard’s cabin both lasted an eternity and happened in the blink of an eye. Kaidan wasn’t sure what he thought about that, but he stepped out as the doors opened and found Shepard standing there, waiting for him just outside the cabin door.

            The elevator doors closed behind him, cutting off his escape. Nervously, he looked at Shepard’s face but the man had always been hard to read. Now was no different. His expression was semi-guarded, eyes narrowed somewhat, but he didn’t seem angry. It was honestly hard to describe.

            Shepard tilted his head faintly in the direction of the cabin door before he turned and led the way into his quarters. Kaidan followed after him silently, hands wringing nervously in front of him. He didn’t quite know what to do with himself.

            _Just get this over with._

            Easier said than done, of course.

            “Sit,” Shepard instructed quietly, gesturing at the bed. Kaidan swallowed and did as he was told. The commander stood in front of him, hands absently moving at his sides, like he wasn’t sure what to do, either. Maybe Kaidan wasn’t the only one out of his depth here.

            _Just get it over with, please._

            If he was going to yell at him, do it. If he was going to take back what he said, do it. Just get it over with. The silence, the waiting, was killing him.

            “Shepard,” he said quietly, “I-”

            Blue eyes narrowed in irritation.

            “Ryan,” Kaidan said in apology. He really needed to get used to using his first name, but right now he wasn’t sure if he still had that option. He wasn’t entirely sure where they stood at the moment. Should he be calling him Ry, Shepard, or Commander? It could go either way. “I just… I’m sorry.”

            “Sorry?” Shepard echoed, watching him.

            _He’s not going to make this easy, is he?_

            “I was out of line. My mistake. I’m sorry.”

            Shepard walked around, then, toward the side of the bed and then back again to the other side, pacing. The whole time he did so his gaze never left Kaidan, like he was evaluating him somehow. Kaidan felt semi-naked under the scrutiny and found his fingers curling into the soft covers beneath him as he fought off the urge to look away.

            Finally the commander stopped pacing, standing in front of him once again, folding his arms across his chest in that familiar pose. “You’re lying.”

            “Lying?” Kaidan echoed, frowning.

            “You’re not sorry. And you weren’t out of line.” Shepard sighed, finally looking away from Kaidan, toward the ground instead. “Maybe I was.”

            “You?”

            “I meant what I said. I don’t care if it’s against regs – never cared about that anyway. What I do care about is if you regret it.”

            _If I regret…?_

            “I thought you regretted it,” Kaidan said quietly, watching as Shepard’s lifted to meet his. “That’s why I… You don’t?”

            “I don’t,” Shepard said, and it was like that knot in Kaidan’s stomach finally dissolved. The worry he felt earlier dissipated as though it were never there, and a relieved smile stretched across his face.

            “So this is happening?” he couldn’t help but ask, just to be sure.

            Shepard smiled, then, and stepped toward him. “It’s happening,” he said confidently. “Bunk here tonight, Kaidan.”

            Kaidan blinked, shocked. “What?”

            “You must be tired of sleeping on a couch. We both need our rest if we’re going to be finding Leviathan in a few hours.”

            That was true. But…

            “Are you… sure?”

            “I’m sure,” Shepard replied, nodding toward the rest of the bed. “Sleep. That’s all we’re going to do.”

            _Okay… I can do that._

            He nodded and awkwardly crawled onto the bed, off to the right side. He lay down quietly. He was fine until the felt the bed shift, felt Shepard lay next to him and burrow under the soft covers. He lay there, awkwardly stiff but also incredibly relaxed, though he wasn’t sure how that worked. Shepard seemed to make him full of those conflicting feelings these days.

            He didn’t want to go too fast. He didn’t want Shepard to think they had to do this simply because Kaidan wanted it, because he didn’t regret his own words earlier in the Presidium. If this was going to happen it had to be natural, right for both of them, otherwise it would never work.

            They were only sleeping, though. Kaidan wasn’t sure he believed that until Shepard stayed on his own side of the bed, breaths beginning to even out. Fingers brushed lightly against his arm, hot tendrils crawling through him at the slight contact, and the stiffness dissipated instantly, allowing him to completely and finally relax.

            Kaidan lay awake for a few more minutes, listening as Shepard’s breaths evened in sleep. He glanced over at the commander to find him looking far more peaceful than he could ever remember seeing him. All those frown lines, those worry lines, usually present in the waking hours were gone now, smoothed down with a quiet peacefulness.

            And then he closed his eyes.

            He was asleep almost instantly.

 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, story's almost over with one chapter to go. This chapter is the longest, I think. Hope it's okay!

Chapter Seventeen

 

Kaidan woke feeling more relaxed and refreshed than he had in a long time. It took him a moment to figure out why, to realize he wasn’t in the Observation Room but somewhere else entirely. There was also the matter of a warm arm which was not his, slung over his middle, fingers brushing against his side. He rolled his head over enough, positioned on his back, to find Shepard sleeping soundly next to him, face buried into the edge of his pillow, the picture of relaxed ease and comfort. For a moment Kaidan simply watched him, the commander sprawled out on his side, one arm outstretched toward him.

            Shepard had never looked this peaceful; at least, not to his knowledge. This was the first time he looked completely at ease. At the moment there was no war to worry about; no fight, no diplomatic meeting, no saving people…

            At the moment it was only the two of them. That was all that mattered. The two of them, the comfortable silence of this room, and this bed.

            “Commander,” Joker said through the comm systems, breaking Kaidan’s easy thoughts, causing him to jerk with alarm. His ears reddened even as Shepard grumbled something under his breath.

            “What, Joker?” Shepard muttered, just loud enough for the comm systems to pick it up, his eyes still closed as he seemed to be trying to hold onto that feeling of easy sleepiness.

Already the lines were returning, though, as the commander became more awake. His arm around Kaidan tightened marginally, lightly urging the sentinel closer. Kaidan obliged, even as he hoped Joker didn’t know he was there too, didn’t know that they’d stayed in the same room together, or that Shepard was all but hugging him in his sleep.

“We’re here, sir,” Joker said.

Shepard was quiet for a moment. Kaidan wondered if he’d fallen back to sleep, but finally the commander sighed. “Alright. Thanks.”

“No problem,” Joker said.

Shepard’s eyes opened slowly, blinking at Kaidan. “You’re still here.”

“Yeah,” he breathed quietly, watching him, “I guess so. That’s okay, right?”

Was he supposed to be somewhere else? Was he supposed to slip out before Shepard woke up?

Shepard smiled, and while it was a tired smile, it was honest and genuine and Kaidan couldn’t fight the urge to return it. Shepard sat up, then, his arm still half around Kaidan as he leaned closer to the sentinel, hovering over him now, eyes locked on his, forever searching. Kaidan blinked back, swallowing thickly.

Finally Shepard moved. It was a slow movement, so slow that for a moment, Kaidan didn’t even realize anything had changed. But then Shepard’s lips were on his own, a light, soft kiss which shouldn’t have taken his breath away like it did, but it was unexpected and Shepard and real and-

Shepard pulled back with a warm, faint smile and crawled out of bed, slipping away from him. For a moment Kaidan stayed put, mouth tingling somewhat as he stared after the commander. Shepard tossed off his shirt and reached for another, similar one – the traditional uniform. Kaidan had the same outfit – everyone did.

Slowly, Kaidan sat up, watching as Shepard disappeared into the bathroom. Finally he crawled out of bed, wondering what he should do next. Should he stay here and wait for Shepard, or go ahead down to the shuttle bay? He planned on going on this mission, after all. He wasn’t getting left behind.

In the end he decided to wait for Shepard. While the kiss hadn’t been anything dramatic, it was welcome and Kaidan hadn’t gotten to return the favor. He didn’t want to accidentally leave and have Shepard feeling he didn’t return the sentiment, because he did.

Shepard exited the bathroom a moment later, smiling at him as his gaze landed on him. Kaidan smiled back somewhat awkwardly as he stepped toward the commander, reaching an arm out to stop him from moving toward the door. Shepard’s eyes tracked his every movement curiously.

“I, uh…”

            Great, now he wasn’t sure what to say.

            “I… well, you pulled away before I could do this.”

            And then he stepped into Shepard’s personal space and leaned forward. He felt the commander smile as their lips connected in another light touch. There was nothing forceful behind it, just two mouths connecting for the second time, trying things out on a level neither really understood. There was no jolt, no heat, nothing out of the ordinary, but somehow that changed everything because once he got a taste, a feel for it, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

            He kept it brief, though, despite his thoughts. Despite his body’s urges. His hands wanted desperately to grab, pull, caress. His mouth wanted to bite, nip, investigate. He did none of those things. This kiss was meaningful but not heated, not full of simmering passion, but the simple promise for such a thing, later.

            And Kaidan would hold him to that promise.

            He took a step back, breaking the kiss, watching Shepard’s reaction. The commander had this grin on his face like he was a little kid at Christmas. The sight of it left Kaidan smiling as well, so much so that his face muscles began to ache but he didn’t care.

            “Later,” Shepard promised, “I am going to do a full examination of you. In great length.”

            Kaidan’s ears burned but his smile stayed true. “I’ll expect a full report, Commander.”

            Shepard laughed and gestured toward the door. “We shouldn’t keep Joker waiting.”

            Kaidan nodded, following Shepard out of the cabin. If his eyes watched him walk away more than necessary, he wasn’t going to say anything.

 

“Cortez,” Shepard said on the shuttle flight down to the planet, “what’s the status on the probe we launched?”

            They launched a probe, searching for Leviathan’s energy signature. They did it on another planet as well and the trace came back negative. This one, on the other hand, came back positive. Leviathan was here, or had been here when controlling Ann Bryson. Either way, they would get some answers.

            “Tracking it now, Commander,” Cortez replied, messing with the controls. A moment later he nodded. “I’ve confirmed that Leviathan’s signal originates from this planet.”

            Kaidan sighed. _Great. Alright. So that Reaper killer is here. Is that good or bad?_

            It could honestly go either way. They’d either get an asset or they’d soon be in a fight for their lives, facing off against yet another Reaper.

            “Heard how, uh… Ann helped us locate it,” Cortez said slowly. “Spooky stuff.”

            _Yes. Very._

            “Makes you wonder what we’re going to find out there,” Garrus commented from where he stood next to Kaidan, who sat on the bench like a normal person. Shepard was standing behind Cortez.

            “A Reaper killer, it would seem,” Kaidan muttered, half to himself and half to the rest of them. “And it doesn’t want to be found.”

            His gaze switched to Shepard, who had turned away from Cortez and was now facing the two of them, specifically Kaidan.

            “It doesn’t have a choice,” the commander said calmly. “We’re here.”

            _Yeah, we are. And I’m still not sure if that’s good or not._

            “I have a bad feeling about this,” he sighed.

            “So do I, but we’ve come too far to turn back now,” Shepard said.

            _Doesn’t mean I like it._

            “Right, but if it _is_ a Reaper,” Garrus said, “I don’t know if that’s the kind of help we want.”

            “I’m with him,” Kaidan said with a nod.

            Shepard sighed. “Nobody says we have to be friends with it. But if this thing has the rest of the Reapers worried, then we need its help.”

            “I hate it when you use logic,” Garrus sighed. “I liked it better when you didn’t reason with me.”

            “But then you’d have less things to calibrate,” Shepard said helpfully.

            Kaidan rolled his eyes while Garrus snorted.

            “Commander,” Cortez called, dragging their attention back to him, “new readings from the probe. Leviathan’s location. You’re not gonna like it.”

            _I could have told you that._

            “Let’s hear it,” Shepard sighed.

            “There’s nothing but ocean,” Cortez replied somewhat grimly. “There’s a concentration of structures floating on the surface but the probe is giving us a signal below that. _Way_ below.”

            _Dammit._

            “Well, we didn’t think it’d be easy,” Shepard said, shaking his head.

            “The shuttle _should_ still be able to reach it,” Cortez said, and Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief.

            _Alright. Good._

            Cortez flew them downward, toward the water. A second later the shuttle seemed to short-circuit.

            “Status!” Shepard demanded, struggling to stay on his feet as the shuttle jerked.

            “Some kind of pulse hit us!” Cortez shouted back. “Brace for impact!”

            _Wait, what?_

            They were crashing?

            Kaidan grabbed tight to the bench, hoping that would be enough. The commander was gripping the back of Cortez’s chair tightly, while Garrus quickly sat back down next to Kaidan.

            The landed was rough and bumpy and for a moment Kaidan was sure they were going to crash into the ocean, but they landed on some kind of platform, one of those floating structures Cortez mentioned. The landed was still rough and he was flung from his seat, flying forward into Shepard, who was in turn knocked into the back of Cortez’s seat. Behind him Kaidan heard Garrus grunt as he hit the ground.

            A second later it was over. The shuttle was still and Kaidan got to his feet with a heavy sigh. Next to him, Shepard did the same, looking around at him, Garrus and Cortez, making sure they were okay. Everyone seemed fine despite the landing, thankfully.

            _Let’s hope nothing else goes wrong, dammit._

            The shuttle door opened and they climbed out. The sky spat out heavy droplets of rain which smacked down onto them. Kaidan glanced over at the ocean’s large waves, the rough white caps of them, the water going on for miles. They seemed to be on some kind of abandoned ocean ship or something. That was what it looked like anyway.

            “How’s the shuttle?” Shepard asked, looking back at Cortez inside the shuttle.

            “Checking now,” Cortez said. “I’ll see if I can get power restored.”

            “Alright,” Shepard said. “Let’s look around.”

            “I don’t like this,” Kaidan said as they dropped down onto the lower landing. There was a lot of tents set up through there. Obviously they weren’t the first ones to get hit by that pulse and get stranded here. He hoped they’d be able to fix it and get out of here, but it looked like these people hadn’t been so lucky.

            “I don’t either,” Shepard replied, “but we’re stuck with it for now.”

            They looked through a few of the tents and found more of those artifacts. They shot them on sight. None of them needed to worry about being controlled on top of everything else.

            Suddenly there were Reaper forces everywhere, dropping from the sky. They must have been right behind them, also looking for Leviathan, and now they were stuck here and had to deal with them both while also worrying about how to find a way off this planet. They couldn’t bring the Normandy down here, after all. That pulse would take the ship out too and then they’d really be stranded.

            There were a lot of husks at first, but then came the cannibals and marauders. Kaidan would never get used to fighting them, he knew. There was just something inherently _wrong_ about them. The feeling crept through him, over his skin even as he kept firing at them.

            Then came the brutes – two of them. Kaidan really didn’t like brutes. He didn’t like any of them, actually. But brutes were hard to kill and could take someone down with one swipe of their large clawed arms. Soon Kaidan lost track of one of the brutes as the one in front of him seemed intent on cutting him in half. He managed to sidestep and dodge the first two swings but the third caught him in the shoulder, barely grazing him but enough to catch him off balance. Down he went, spiraling into the ground on his knees, facing away from the brute due to his momentum.

            He saw the shadow of the brute as is stood behind him, bringing its arm up to swipe at him again and he knew there was no way he could roll away fast enough.

            There was the sound of an impact and the dying light of blue around him and Kaidan jumped to his feet and spun around to see Shepard standing there, having used a biotic charge to stumble the beast. The brute settled its eyes on the commander and charged, swinging wildly with its arm. Shepard easily sidestepped as though combat were a dance, using a nova to finish the creature off before he looked back at Kaidan, sweat dotting his brow.

            “Doc said…” Kaidan started, but trailed off as the second brute came up behind Shepard. His eyes went wide as that clawed arm swung and Shepard turned, but not nearly fast enough.

            _No._

            Before Kaidan knew what he was doing, he’d lifted his arms, a jolt shooting through his body, igniting his biotics with a passion. He used reave as Shepard hurriedly used another nova, and their attacks combined to perform a biotic explosion which killed the brute, thankfully. Shepard swayed somewhat then, looking exhausted. Kaidan lunged forward and grabbed him by the shoulders, steadying him.

            “You idiot,” he all but growled, “what did Chakwas say about the biotics?”

            “She says a lot of things about a lot of stuff,” Shepard replied, lightly shrugging him off. “I’m fine. Cortez, how’s the shuttle?”

            “Up and running,” Cortez replied, the shuttle soaring over them, and Kaidan breathed a heavy sigh of relief. “Guns online.”

            He watched as the remaining Reaper forces were gunned down by the shuttle. And he watched as, from a distance, a pulse emerged. It swept through the air, went past the shuttle, and the shuttle stuttered before lurching to the side. It crash landed again but thankfully it hadn’t been very far off the ground when it finally did land again.

            “Steve!” Shepard shouted.

            “I’m okay, but…”

            Kaidan and Shepard shared a look. More Reaper forces landed around Cortez and the shuttle. Kaidan watched Cortez open the shuttle doors and exit, firing at the enemy forces surrounding him.

            And then they were running, running toward Cortez, their friend. And they were shooting as they ran, and using biotics this way and that, until Kaidan almost couldn’t feel his arms anymore. Finally they made it to Cortez and hunkered down next to him.

            “Status,” Shepard breathed, wiping sweat from his brow.

            “Shuttle’s a mess, Commander,” Cortez replied.

            _Dammit!_

            “That pulse knocked it right out of the sky,” Cortez continued. “We’re not going anywhere.”

            “Okay, not what I wanted to hear,” Kaidan sighed.

            “We’ll work it out,” Shepard said, lightly clapping his shoulder before he looked back at Cortez.

            “Leviathan has some sort of defense system in place,” the pilot said.

            More Reaper forces dropped from the sky and Kaidan peeked over their cover to fire at them until those forces took cover of their own. He ducked back down.

            “We aren’t getting out of here until we find it,” Shepard said.

            _Find it?_

            “So how do we do that?”

            Cortez hesitated for a moment before he moved along their cover. Shepard followed after him while Kaidan stayed put, occasionally shooting at the enemy forces across the way.

            “Well,” Cortez said, peeking over the cover to gesture at something, “you might be able to use a mech. Those look like they’re rigged for diving.”

            _Wait, what? Is he…?_

            Kaidan sincerely hoped he was misunderstanding. It sounded like Cortez wanted Shepard to get in the diving mech and go into the ocean.

            _Like hell._

            “Diving mech?” Shepard asked, sounding concerned as well.

            “It’s a tritan model,” Cortez said, like it made any difference. “Military grade, repurposed for deep sea exploration. As long as the sea water hasn’t corroded it, it should be good to go.”

            “That’s crazy,” Kaidan muttered but it seemed like no one heard him because Garrus kept firing over their cover and Shepard seemed to be thinking it over. Kaidan inched a little further toward them, careful to keep returning covering fire.

            “Well…” Shepard sighed finally, getting to his feet. “If that’s what we have to do, let’s get started.”

            “Shepard?”

            Shepard looked back at him and shook his head in a ‘what can you do’ kind of way. Kaidan growled and moved closer.

            “Are you crazy?”

            “It’s the only way,” Shepard said.

            “That’s crap! You don’t believe that.”

            “I can’t afford not to!” Shepard snapped back, eyes narrowing, and Kaidan blinked. “It’s our only way out.”

            “How do we know that will even work?” Kaidan snapped back.

            “We don’t, but it’s all we have.”

            The sincerity of the commander’s words left Kaidan swallowing thickly. “But I…”

            _I don’t want you to do this._

            But Shepard was already turning back around, facing Cortez again. Cortez handed him a power cell, explaining what to do with it. Something about charging something so they could even get to the diving mech but Kaidan wasn’t listening. Instead he watched Shepard, watched the stiffening of his shoulders, watched the shadows dance across his back, the rain pelting against him.

            _He’s doing this. He’s going to…_

            He didn’t have time to finish the thought, though, because Shepard vaulted over the cover and ran back toward the enemy. Kaidan cursed under his breath and chased after him because this was _crazy_. He and Garrus fought off the enemies, giving Shepard enough time to use the power cell on whatever it was he was doing. Then he went back to Cortez for two more power cells, which he also used to charge something.

            And then he was climbing into the diving mech, and there wasn’t time to say anything because there were suddenly so many brutes around them. Shepard walked toward them with the diving mech, firing its rockets at them. Kaidan was a little shocked at how well the mech seemed to work, how easily it took out all those brutes. And then the fight was over and everything was quiet, and Shepard was walking the mech back toward Cortez. Kaidan followed almost numbly.

            Shepard opened the hatch and looked out as Cortez began looking over the diving mech, making sure it was ‘safe’.

            _Yeah, like anything about this is safe!_

            “Shepard, I… I gotta say, I’m not too crazy about this,” Kaidan said quietly, standing in front of the diving mech and Shepard.

            _Understatement of the year._

            “I know,” Shepard said, his voice just as quiet. “But it’s our only chance. The way home is through Leviathan.”

            “This is crazy,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. “Just… we’ll think of something else.”

            _Just get out of the diving mech._

            “This is the only option.”

            “We don’t know that for sure!”

            Shepard was quiet for a moment, silently watching him. Then he drew in a breath and averted his gaze. “I don’t want to fight. But I have to do this.”

            “I’ll go instead,” Kaidan said. “You’re the commander; you shouldn’t-”

            Shepard’s gaze snapped back toward him, eyes narrowed. “ _No_ ,” he said somewhat harshly, leaving Kaidan snapping his mouth shut. “You’re going to stay here and keep an eye on the shuttle. When I get back…” The harshness died from his gaze and his voice softened. “When I get back, we need to be ready to leave.”

            “But, Shepard…”

            _Don’t do this. There has to be another way, this is crazy!_

            “I don’t…” he tried but the words got lost somewhere in his throat. “I…”

            Shepard offered a weak smile. “I’ll be back.”

            Kaidan released a shaky breath. “Yeah?”

            “Yeah. And I’ll be in the need for a sanity check.”

            The laugh that escaped him was anything but happy. “I’ll hold you to that.”

            Shepard smiled and then looked at Cortez as the man came around the diving mech and nodded at him. “I’ve done what I can,” he said. “I’ve made it as safe as I can. Oxygen pressure is nominal. It’s as ready as I can make it.”

            Shepard took in a breath and nodded. “Let’s go, then.”

            “Ryan…”

            “I’ll be fine,” the commander said, glancing at him. “Take care of the shuttle. We’ll probably need a hasty retreat.”

            “Aye, aye, sir,” Cortez said.

            “Closing hatch,” Shepard said, pressing a few buttons inside the mech. The hatch closed, obscuring Kaidan’s view of the commander with the sharp reflection off the glass revealing the storm churned waves behind him.

            Cortez pressed a few things on his omni-tool and brought up a little screen. It revealed what was inside the diving mech, Shepard’s face looking back at him.

            “Engaging systems,” Shepard said. “Ready.”

            _I’m not._

            But there was nothing he could say or do to change things at the moment. Shepard was in charge and this was his choice. Kaidan knew he would never let another person on his crew try this. It was just how Shepard was.

            _Just don’t let this end badly._

            He watched as the diving mech walked toward the edge of the structure, the harsh curve of the waves crashing against it.

            “Here goes,” Shepard said somewhat uncertainly, before he took a step forward and disappeared beneath the waves almost instantly.

            Kaidan looked at Cortez’s omni-tool and the screen. Shepard seemed fine so far, thankfully. There was no water inside the mech. He looked fine, talking about how the systems were at the moment.

            And then his voice became full of static. The image flickered.

            Died.

            “What happened?” he demanded, all but growling at Cortez.

            Cortez frowned somewhat worriedly. “We lost connection.”

            “What does that mean?”

            “I don’t know. Must be another one of Leviathan’s defenses.”

            “Is he okay?”

            _Is he even still alive?_

            He had no way of knowing. He had no way of knowing if the connection cut off because something happened to the diving mech. For all he knew, Shepard could have been drowning at the moment. Or maybe Leviathan got to him. Maybe the mech was destroyed.

            “Hey,” Garrus said, grabbing his shoulder. Kaidan angrily shook him off because he _knew_ this was a bad idea, _damn it_. “Hey, he’ll be fine. He’s pulled through worse. Relax.”

            _Relax? Did you just say relax?_

            How the hell was he supposed to do that?

            _You better come back, you stupid, reckless asshole._

 

“We got company,” Garrus said sometime later.

            Minutes, hours, days… Kaidan had no real sense of time. All he knew was that more Reaper forces were now here and he told Shepard he’d keep the shuttle safe so it would be ready when he got back.

            Because he was coming back.

            And so Kaidan couldn’t let anything happen to the shuttle. He couldn’t let anything happen to the others. Shepard would be mad at him if he did.

            He threw himself into the fight because it was so much easier to focus on that than the fact that it had been a while since they lost contact with Shepard. It had been a while and while he wasn’t sure how long, he couldn’t help but wonder if it was _too long_. How much oxygen did he have? How far down was it? The fight helped. It took his mind of the fact that his commander was somewhere at the bottom of the ocean, either alive and doing his job or already dead from the pressure or lack of air or some ocean creature, or even from Leviathan itself.

            _No_.

            He couldn’t think about that right now. He had to believe that, as he fought, Shepard was fighting too. Fighting to get back to them, fighting to destroy the defenses so they could all go home.

            There was no other alternative. Shepard would come back, they’d go home, and everything would be _fine_. They’d come too far for it to end now. Too damn far. They couldn’t lose here, die here, be stranded forever while Shepard drowned somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.

            _No. He’ll come back._

            He had to, right? He’d been through worse. He’d already died once, after all. This wouldn’t be any different. He had to have faith, faith that Shepard would come back and everything would be okay and they could just go _home_.

            As it was, though, things looked grim. Time passed though Kaidan had no way of counting. One dead husk, two, three…

            One dead brute.

            One dead ravager.

            Two.

            Three.

            Five dead marauders.

            Ten.

            Twenty.

            And on and on and on and there was still no sign of Shepard. He kept darting glances toward the waves and he caught Cortez and Garrus doing it at as well, but there was nothing to see but angry, storm-churned white caps. No Shepard. No diving atlas. Nothing.

            _Please._

            He’d never been much of the praying type, although he did believe in a higher power. As Ashley once asked, how could he not? How could one look at the galaxy and not believe in something greater? Even so, he never went to church. He was never religious.

            But as time passed, he became increasingly more desperate. They all did. He saw it in the set of their jaws as they shot and looked at the water.

            _Please. Don’t let him die down there. Just… don’t. That’s not fair to him._

            Wasn’t fair to Shepard to die in the dark depths of the ocean, alone. Wasn’t fair to them to lose him that way simply because he was trying to help them. Just wasn’t fair all around.

            _Let him come back. Come on._

_Just once more and I won’t ask for anything, please._

            He didn’t care if his thoughts, wishes, prayers made him seem weak. All he knew was that he’d gotten a glimpse at a life he could have had, could have with Shepard in the future, and it was about to be torn away as time ticked by with no thought for them. He’d gotten a glimpse at what it was like to have what he wanted – to have Shepard there next to him when he woke up, to have someone he could trust with more than his life…

            And he wasn’t ready to lose that, dammit.

            Not yet.

            Not now.

            Not after everything…

            _Please. Don’t die down there, Ryan. C’mon._

            And almost like the universe was listening, the diving atlas finally shot out of the water and landed. Kaidan stared at it like it was the oxygen he so desperately needed, like it was all that mattered… because it was. The hatch opened and Shepard stepped out, only to stagger and fall to his knees, then to the ground completely. He tried to get back up because that was what Shepard always did, but he fell down again and this time no more attempts were made as he slowly rolled onto his side.

            “Shepard!”

            Kaidan darted out of cover but Garrus grabbed his wrist and held him back as two brutes veered toward Shepard’s barely conscious form.

            “Let go – Shepard!” There wasn’t time to argue, wasn’t time to wait. Shepard wasn’t moving, wasn’t struggling back to his feet and Kaidan knew that was a bad sign. The brutes moving toward him was even worse.

            “Kaidan, stop!”

            Bullets whizzed past his face but he didn’t care. They didn’t matter. All that mattered was the fact that Shepard made it back to the surface, and Kaidan was supposed to be there for him. He was supposed to help him. He didn’t care about the Reaper forces.

            One of the brutes raised its arm, about to strike his commander. “ _Ryan_!” He tore free of Garrus’s grasp and darted forward even though he knew in his head it was too late. Maybe if he had Shepard’s charging ability he could get there in time, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. But still he ran because _no…_

            _No, no, no, don’t-_

            The brute stopped swinging at Shepard and instead spun on the brute next to it and started attacking _it_ instead. Kaidan slid next to Shepard as the two fought off to the side, and helped the commander to his feet. Shepard was cold to the touch and his breaths were shallow and rushed and he was growing heavier against Kaidan. He had to hurry, had to get him help, had to-

            “Kaiiiidannn,” Shepard groaned groggily, eyes closing, finally going limp against him.

            “Stay,” Kaidan growled.

            He wasn’t sure what he was saying that for.

            _Stay with me. Stay awake. Just stay._

            They got Shepard on the shuttle and with the defenses destroyed, they managed to finally leave. Shepard lay shivering on the floor, eyes closed and lips blue, blood dripping from his nose. It reminded Kaidan of what happened to Ann when Leviathan took control of her for even a few minutes, and Shepard had been down there a long time. Now that functions were restored in the shuttle he knew it had been at least three hours since Shepard went beneath the surface of the water and now.

            Three hours in the dark emptiness of the ocean. Three hours caught in the hands of a monster.

            _And I wasn’t there._

            “Shepard? Hey! Can you hear me?” he asked, trying to keep the worry out of his voice but it was hard, so hard, because this was Shepard and he had to be okay, and- “He’s freezing,” he said almost numbly as his hand ghosted across Shepard’s cheek face, down the curve of his chin toward his neck. Cold. So cold. And pale. _Dark_.

            _No._

            He pressed his fingers into the pulse point on Shepard’s neck and nearly choked out a moan when he felt nothing. He quickly slid off his combat gloves and tried again, the cold touch of the skin a shock to his system.

            _C’mon, c’mon, be okay, be there…_

            It was there, but he should have known that from the shaky breaths escaping Shepard, but to feel the pulse against his fingers brought him a relief he couldn’t begin to describe. He felt weak with it, all but slumping next to the commander, back against the wall as Cortez got them in the air.

            “Is he okay?” the pilot called back.

            “I don’t know.”

            “What’s wrong with him?” the pilot called back.

            “I don’t _know_.”

            He really didn’t. He had absolutely no idea but he knew it had something to do with Leviathan. The dried blood on his nose told him that, as did the pallor of his skin. All throughout, though, Kaidan kept his fingers firmly planted against Shepard’s neck, above that pulse point. At the moment it was the only thing keeping him grounded.

            “Shepard.” He didn’t realize he was talking until he’d already breathed the word. He brought his free hand around, lightly tapping the fingers against the pale cheek. “Wake up. Can you hear me?”

            _Do you know I’m here?_

            And then Shepard was coughing. It was so sudden Kaidan sat there, stunned, as the commander pushed himself into a sitting position, the sentinel’s hands falling away from him. Garrus was positioned at Shepard’s feet, watching them closely.

            “Shepard, Jesus… Are you okay?” Kaidan asked.

            _Are you crazy? Of course he’s not okay!_

            “Yeah,” Shepard coughed, “I’m fine.”

            _You obviously don’t know the meaning of that word._

            And then he was trying to stand up. Instantly, Kaidan’s hand was on his chest, pushing him back down because _no_. They didn’t know what was wrong with him, if he was okay, what happened… There was no way Kaidan was letting him get right back to business as usual, not after that.

            Shepard’s gaze swiveled toward him then. “Kaidan.”

            Kaidan tried to say something. Failed.

            “What happened?” Garrus asked, breaking the silence.

            Shepard’s gaze lingered on Kaidan a moment longer before he looked at the turian. “We found it.”

            “Leviathan?” Cortez asked.

            “Yeah. It’s… it’s so much more than we thought it was.”

            Shepard almost seemed awed by this.

            It only confirmed Kaidan’s fears.

            “It controlled you.”

            Shepard looked at him slowly. “I think. Got a hell of a headache.” He smiled almost sheepishly. “Now I know how you feel.”

            Kaidan glared but couldn’t say what he wanted to say. Wanted to yell, scream, shout, get him to understand that this was _not okay_. This was _not_ something to joke about.

            He stayed quiet, though.

            _Later._

            He could say all those things later because there _would be a later_. He’d wait until they were alone to discuss this. He could be professional for the time being, though.

            He removed his hand because soldiers weren’t supposed to do that to their commanders.

            Detachment.

            That was what he needed right now. That was the only way he’d be able to control himself.

            Shepard watched him for a long moment before he sighed and got to his feet. Kaidan fought the urge to push him back down again and watched as the commander staggered forward a step, grabbing at his head before he seemed to steady himself.

            Kaidan heard what Ann and Shepard had to say but he didn’t really care about it.

            Leviathan was on their side because it couldn’t hide anymore. It would fight with them.

            That was good and maybe he’d appreciate it later.

            Right now, though, all he wanted to do was destroy that thing.

            _Detachment._

            That was what he needed.

            He drew in a breath and got to his feet, walking toward the back. He sat on the bench and quietly watched Shepard converse with Ann and Garrus.

            It was because he was watching that he was probably the only one to notice the way Shepard’s hands shook ever so slightly, the way his blinks were becoming increasingly longer, the slight slur of his words. Kaidan noticed these things because he’d spent a lot of time studying the man, learning everything he could from afar.

            And when Shepard’s body dragged downward, legs unable to hold him up any longer, Kaidan surged forward and caught him before anyone else realized anything was amiss.

            “You idiot,” he growled down at the pale face as he went to his knees with the commander, hands firm on his shoulders.

            Shepard released a shaky sound which could have been a moan or a laugh, his eyes sliding closed. Kaidan swallowed, wishing there was something he could do but he was useless here. He could treat physical injuries – but this… this wasn’t physical. It was internal if anything, and not exactly like a normal injury. It was in Shepard’s head.

            _That thing did something to him._

            Controlled him for a bit, according to Shepard.

            Yeah, Kaidan saw what happened when that thing got its claws into you. He saw what happened to Hadley, to Garneau, to Ann. Ann had only been under its control for a few minutes and had to be taken to the hospital to recover. Shepard was down there for _hours_. Alone.

            _I’m sorry._

            “Shepard, I don’t…” The words died away as quickly as they started and Kaidan watched the pale face for any sign of acknowledgement. When there was nothing, he swallowed and unconsciously leaned his head forward, resting his forehead against Shepard’s.

            If anyone had something to say about it, they remained quiet.

            _I don’t know how to fix this. What do I do?_

            Except Shepard wasn’t aware enough to ask.

            He’d been awake for a few minutes but apparently it was too much for him. His body went limp, all awareness leaving him, and Kaidan caught him in the same moment, pulling the freezing body toward him.

            _I don’t know what to do._

 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things die down and feelings are expressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final chapter. I hope you have enjoyed the ride and that it sounded okay. I will be posting the sequel soon, which is also complete with 18 chapters. Thanks for reading, guys.

Chapter Eighteen

 

Getting back to the Normandy felt like an eternity, when in reality it only took roughly twenty minutes. Shepard was carted off to med bay while Kaidan was forced to tell Hackett what happened, as the most senior officer on board in Shepard’s absence. He was a Major and also a Spectre, after all. While the Normandy had no real XO after Pressly’s death aboard the first Normandy, it was an unspoken agreement that Kaidan would take over while Shepard was out of commission.

            Kaidan would have liked to have been informed of this _before_ everyone looked at him expectantly. All he wanted to do was follow Shepard to med bay, make sure he was safe, but instead people kept reminding him of _duty_. So he went to the war room and told Hackett that he had absolutely no idea what happened, but that Shepard was currently unconscious and apparently Leviathan agreed to work with them. That was all he knew but Hackett kept asking questions.

            By the time their conversation was over, he felt dizzy with all the uncertainty and exhaustion today brought him. He all but staggered from the room, down the small hallway, through the security checkpoint and into the elevator. He thought Traynor might have tried talking to him but he couldn’t care less at the moment. He punched the button for deck three and all but slumped against the wall as the elevator doors closed.

            He had no idea what to do. He wanted to go to med bay and check on Shepard, but he also didn’t want to get in Chakwas’ way. In the end, though, his concern won over his own exhaustion and uncertainties, and his feet led him toward the med bay after the elevator doors opened.

            The med bay doors opened automatically upon his arrival. He took that as a good sign. If the med bay was closed, if they were working on keeping a patient alive, the doors would not open automatically. The fact they were now allowed him to breathe a little easier but he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until Shepard woke up, and he had no idea when that would be.

            He crossed the room toward the only occupied bed. Shepard didn’t look as pale but that was only because the sheets beneath him and the pillow under his head were stark white in comparison. Kaidan quietly approached the bed and stood next to it, looking down at the motionless figure. He wasn’t aware his hand was moving until his fingers brushed lightly against Shepard’s exposed arm, his mind flashing back toward earlier, in Shepard’s cabin, before they fell asleep. Shepard had done the same to him then, calming him. He hoped that despite being unconscious, he was able to offer the commander some kind of relief.

            Movement occurred behind him and Kaidan yanked his hand away, turning to find Dr. Chakwas walking toward him. Her smiled calmed him somewhat and he felt himself relax, stance not as rigid as before.

            “How is he?” he asked, voice coming out somewhat rough. He cleared his throat.

            “He used his biotics, didn’t he.”

            It wasn’t a question, so he didn’t bother answering. Instead he looked back down at Shepard, anger stirring with him.

            _I told you not to use them. Goddamn it, Shepard._

            “He’ll be okay, right?’

            He honestly wasn’t sure what he would do if she said anything other than ‘yes’.

            Thankfully he didn’t have to find out, because she nodded, standing next to him now.

            “He should make a full recovery barring any complications. His biotics fried his systems. The prolonged exposure to Leviathan caused abnormal beta waves. We’re keeping him sedated until they lower back into normal range. I suspect that will be soon.”

            Kaidan nodded, feeling weak with relief.

            “I am not concerned about his lack of consciousness,” Chakwas said, causing his pine to stiffen at her tone, “but I am concerned about the infection.”

            “Infection?” he echoed, tearing his gaze away from Shepard to look at her. She nodded, frowning somewhat.

            “His cybernetics became unstable. His body is trying to reject them.”

            Kaidan swallowed. “Reject them? Isn’t that… bad?”

            _Of course it is. What part of that sounds good?_

            “That’s why I told him to not use his biotics. It was irritating them. Given time the problem would have fixed itself, but I can see he did not listen to me.”

            Uncertainty, irritation, and a rising touch of despair rose within Kaidan, clogging his throat. He swallowed thickly, attempting to find his voice as he looked back down at Shepard. “I tried to make him. I…”

            _Failed. You failed._

            “What can I do?”

            He had to do something. He had to fix this somehow. Had to…

            “That is also why I am keeping him sedated,” Chakwas admitted with a touch of humor in her voice. It lessened that knot in Kaidan’s stomach, if only a little. “He has a tendency to disobey my orders when awake. I’ll take him off the sedatives in twenty-four-hours if his cybernetics have stabilized.”

            “And if not?”

            “Then I will need to run further tests. Don’t worry, I’m fairly certain he will be fine.” Now she looked at him, smirking. “I heard you and the commander have grown fairly close, Major. Is that true?”

            Kaidan choked out a laugh. A minute ago she had him worried, now she was asking him about whatever it was between him and Shepard. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know once he’s okay.”

            She nodded. “Very well. I shall do my best. You can sit with him for a bit if you like. Talk to him.”

            “What do I say? He’s unconscious.”

            It wasn’t like he could hear him. It wasn’t like anything he said would matter.

            Dr. Chakwas rested a hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t say talking to him was for _his_ benefit.”

            With that, her hand dropped and she walked away, leaving Kaidan standing there, struggling to process her words. He scrubbed a hand across his face and reached for the plastic chair off to the side. It scratched against the ground as he pulled it toward him and sat down next to the bed. Dr. Chakwas was in the back room and there was a curtain drawn now, giving them privacy.

            He’d have to thank her after this was all over.

            Right now, he felt entirely out of his depth. He didn’t know what to say, so he let his body do the talking. He allowed his body free reign and watched, almost detachedly, as his hand moved and rested on Shepard’s arm, the fingers curling around his wrist, hovering over the pulse point against the pale skin. He was happy to find out that the commander was no longer freezing. If anything he was warm – too warm. Fever warm.

            _Infection. Rejecting cybernetics._

            He knew nothing about that, really. That was not his area of expertise. He was a biotic; he knew about biotics. Sometimes he was Joker’s co-pilot. Ask him to fix something on the ship, he could do that easily. Ask him about biotics, sure, he could easily answer those questions. Ask him about the cybernetics keeping his commander alive…

            Well. That was something he definitely needed to learn more about. He vowed to do so because if something like this ever happened again, he was going to be ready. He would fix it before it started.

            _If there is a next time._

            The thought appeared unbidden in his mind. Once he thought it, it was all he could think about, all he could picture. He thought back to before, after the first Normandy exploded. Remembered the pain, the feeling of sharp loss, the anger, fear, denial, betrayal…

            He couldn’t go through it again. That was much was obvious. He barely made it through it before, and that was when he thought they were just friends. Now he knew better, knew there was something more, something better, and he refused to entertain the thought that he could lose that before he ever really had it.

            Unconsciously, his grip on Shepard’s wrist tightened. The rush of warm skin, of that pulse beating strongly against his fingers, allowed him the focus he needed to finally breathe. He focused on that, on the feeling of the _life_ in Shepard, and closed his eyes, leaning forward somewhat. He bowed his head down until his forehead was resting against the edge of the bed, hand still firmly wrapped around that wrist.

            _You idiot. Stupid, reckless idiot._

            “That was crazy, Shepard.” His voice was rough and startled him as it tore from his mouth. “If you ever do that again I’ll… Christ, just don’t do it again. Reckless idiot.”

            Shepard had always been like that, though. Always throwing himself into danger so no one else had to do it. One would have thought that, as the commander, he’d be more careful and delegate the work to others. He was the commander; they needed him to be okay, needed him to be alive. But no, that would have been too easy. Shepard wouldn’t make anyone do something he himself wouldn’t do. As much as Kaidan hated that about him, he also loved it.

            Loved it because that was just how Shepard was. Kind, self-sacrificing, reckless… It was a package deal and Kaidan wouldn’t trade it for anything. That didn’t mean he had to like the fact that Shepard seemed ready and willing to throw his life away. He’d never like that; would always hate it, hate it with a passion because there was always those doubts, that fear that it would all end. That fear he’d wake up one day and be completely alone.

            That fear had always been there, but only now did he pull it from the dark recesses of his mind to really look at it.

            No one liked losing friends, commanders, loved ones.

            Kaidan lost him once already; he wasn’t going to let it happen again.

            If Shepard was going to continue being reckless and self-sacrificing, then Kaidan was going to be there next to him, making sure that he always got out okay, always came back to him. That was what he’d been doing all this time, he realized. He only failed when he left Shepard, when he followed that reckless idiot’s orders and escaped with the others. That was where he failed him, where he dropped his guard and Shepard died because of it. Well, he wouldn’t ever let it happen again.

            From now on he was always going to be next to him. If it was Shepard’s job to do the risky jobs, then it was Kaidan’s job to make sure the bastard came out alive.

            He wouldn’t fail again.

 

_That feels good._

            Kaidan woke to the feeling of fingers combing through his hair, almost like he was a dog. Nails lightly scratched against his scalp, the movement nearly mesmerizing, lulling him back to sleep. There was a kink in his neck, though, and as he moved to fix it, he nearly fell out of the chair he was in.

            Memories of before slammed into him and he snapped his eyes open to find himself in med bay, hovering over a bed, sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair. His gaze snapped toward the bed, toward its occupant, who was awake and watching him with tired, barely parted blue eyes. His hand was still outstretched, though, falling back to the bed from where those fingers had been curled into the sentinel’s hair.

            “Shepard,” Kaidan breathed, swallowing. “You’re awake.”

            _Way to state the obvious._

            “Kaidan,” Shepard replied, voice just as quiet and breathy, but his was probably from sleep. Kaidan’s was from relief.

            “You scared the crap out of me with that risky stunt,” Kaidan found himself saying even as he urged himself to close his mouth because he was starting to ramble. “Never do that again. Jesus. Too many risky stunts, Shepard. But that’s probably part of what I love about you.”

            And then he finally snapped his mouth closed because did he really just say that?

            Shepard’s eyes opened a little more. “Love, K?”

            Kaidan didn’t want to reply. If he said yes Shepard could get angry if he didn’t feel the same. If he said no, Shepard would definitely be angry and probably order him out of the room and the thought of leaving him right then, after everything, left the sentinel more than little breathless.

            “How do you feel?” he asked instead of answering.

            Shepard’s eyes closed. “I’m fine.”

            “I’m going to buy you a damn dictionary. You don’t know the meaning of the word.”

            A faint, tired smile twitched to life on those lips. “Really throwing the book at me?”

            Kaidan shook his head. Shepard’s fingers curled faintly into the sheets beneath him. Kaidan’s hand reached out, capturing those fingers with his own, entwining them. He didn’t feel for the pulse like before. Instead he found relief in the form of Shepard’s fingers squeezing his own, a physical sign of his awareness and strength.

            “Everyone get back okay?” Shepard asked.

            “Yes, we’re all fine. Worry about yourself.”

            _For once, just do it._

            Shepard released a quiet, breathy laugh, eyes still closed. “Gotta keep you on your toes.”

            “Oh?”

            “Yeah.” Blue eyes slid open partially, looking at him. “Otherwise you… might get bored.”

            “Bored?” Kaidan shook his head, smiling faintly despite himself. “Never bored with you around.”

            “ ‘cause of the toes.”

            “No.” He swallowed, then, and leaned forward, hunching over the bed. “Because of this.” And then his lips connected with Shepard’s.

            It started out gentle. A simple reassurance they were both there, were both okay, and the mission was behind them. But somewhere along the way, Shepard’s free hand tangled in Kaidan’s hair, pulling the sentinel more toward them, leaving him no room to escape. What started a gentle kiss turned into one of passion, of desperation almost.

            All the worry Kaidan locked away, all those little fears and doubts, they came pouring out as Shepard’s mouth opened, allowing him entrance. His own hand somehow found its way onto Shepard’s chest, feeling the reassuring _thud-thud_ of that strong heart. Shepard’s other hand untangled from his hand and caught the one on his chest, lightly pulling it down the length of his body, allowing it to come to a rest on his hip. Kaidan didn’t argue. Instead their mouths connected again and it was everything he needed but never asked for.

            “Achem.”

            Kaidan froze and jerked away in the same movement, causing Shepard to groan as he elbowed him in the ribs. “Sorry,” he apologized even as he turned to see Garrus standing behind him, arms folded across his chest.

            _Shepard’s been teaching him the pose. Great._

            “Uh, Garrus,” he said awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his neck as he moved to sit in the chair, away from Shepard. “Hi.”

            “Garrus,” Shepard breathed. “Don’t you have something to calibrate?”

            “In time,” Garrus said, and was the turian smiling? “I was coming to check on you but I can see Kaidan has that under control.”

            Kaidan’s ears burned even as Shepard’s hand reached out and snagged his, grasping it tightly as he lifted it into the air, waving it between them.

            “This is happening,” Shepard said to the turian. “Problems?”

            “None from me,” Garrus said with a laugh. “If you want my honest opinion the two of you deserve some happiness.”

            _Great. Garrus approves._

            “I hope you weren’t too rough with my patient,” Dr. Chakwas said as she entered the med bay, and Kaidan thought for sure his ears were on fire.

            “Well, had you not _interrupted_ ,” Shepard sighed.

            Kaidan shot him a quick glare. “Shepard.”

            “Alenko,” Shepard mocked.

            “Vakarian,” Garrus said.

            “Chakwas.”

            “Now that we have established that we all have last names,” Shepard said with a chuckle, “when can I get out of here, Doc?”

            _Wait, what?_

            “I will release you after I run some test. If they are to my liking, you’re free to go.”

            “And if they’re not?” Shepard asked.

            “Then you’re going to remain my prisoner for a while longer.”

            “But I’m _fine_.”

            “You, my friend, do not know the meaning of the word,” Garrus said.

            “Thank you!” Kaidan said with a laugh. “At least I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

            “Yeah, yeah, pick on the injured guy,” Shepard muttered petulantly, giving Kaidan’s hand a quick squeeze. Kaidan squeezed back, looking at him.

            “Well, it’s much more fun than picking on the non-injured guy,” Garrus said.

            “Oh, go calibrate something.”

 

Shepard was released twenty-four-hours later, despite his complaining. Chakwas said she simply wanted to be sure he was okay, but Kaidan wondered if she just liked messing with the commander. Not that he was complaining, of course. If he was confined to the med bay, he was safe. He wasn’t out there being reckless. The longer he stayed there, the more Kaidan could relax.

            That didn’t mean he wasn’t waiting outside the med bay when Chakwas finally released him, allowing him to return to active duty. Kaidan met him at the elevator and couldn’t help but smile at the way Shepard’s eyes seemed to brighten when he saw him.

            “Kaidan,” he said happily. “I’m free! No more medical red tape.”

            Kaidan laughed at the use of his words from so long ago. “I see that. How do you feel?”

            “Much better,” Shepard said instead of saying his usual ‘fine’. Kaidan smiled, knowing it was honest.

            He nodded his head toward the elevator. “Your cabin?”

            “Kaidan. You read my mind.”

            The two stepped into the elevator. The doors closed behind them and up they went.

            “I missed you.”

            The words were quiet, sincere, and came out of nowhere. Kaidan glanced over at the commander, frowning. “Missed me?”

            “Yeah. When I was sleeping.”

            “Oh?”

            “I sleep better when you’re there.”

            “We only did that once,” Kaidan said. “How can you miss it?”

            “Well, there was the hospital too,” Shepard said.

            Kaidan had stayed with him that first day. The second he gave into Chakwas’ orders and returned to the Observation Room to get ‘proper’ sleep in a bed, except he didn’t have a bed. And he didn’t get much sleep.

            “Well,” he said quietly, “I missed you, too.”

            “Really?”

            Shepard shouldn’t have sounded as hesitant as he did.

            “Yes. Really.”

            The elevator doors opened and Kaidan stepped out. Shepard followed after him as the sentinel opened the door of the cabin and gestured for the commander to enter. Shepard did so and Kaidan followed after him.

            Shepard walked toward the table and sat down in the chair next to it. Kaidan did the same across from him.

            “What happened down there?” he asked, because thus far he’d managed to keep himself from talking about Leviathan, but he did want to know. Wanted to know if it was worth it, risking Shepard’s life.

            “I don’t know… it’s kind of a blur,” Shepard admitted with a small shrug. “I got a history lesson on the Reapers. I put it all in my report, though. It’s boring stuff but at least it tells us the Reapers had a beginning.”

            “And maybe we can supply them with an end,” Kaidan said with a nod.

            “Exactly. But let’s not talk about work.”

            “Then what shall we talk about?”

            Shepard shrugged. “I don’t know, I just… I don’t want our relationship to always revolve around work.”

            “Relationship.”

            The word was something Kaidan rarely used. He’d never particularly had one before – at least not one that really meant anything to him. And this… well, this meant everything.

            “Too much?”

            Kaidan smiled. “No. I like it.”

            Shepard smiled back. “I’m glad you approve. I’m happy we’re doing this.”

            “Me too.”

            _Very happy._

            “And the benefits?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan remembered what he said in the Presidium, giving into a quiet chuckle.

            “In good time,” he said. “There’s no rush.”

            Shepard’s smile was brittle. “I guess.”

            “We’ll get through this,” Kaidan said. “We’ll win. There’s no rush.”

            “I hope you’re right.”

            The voice was quiet, the gaze flickering downward, all traces of smiles disappearing. Kaidan reached across the table, fingers hooking under the commander’s chin, lifting upward until blue eyes met brown.

            “Hey. We’ll get through this.”

            “How can you be so sure?” Shepard asked quietly, shoulders slumped, voice uncertain.

            Kaidan smiled. “Because you’re leading us.”

            “But I’m only one person, Kaidan.”

            “I know. And I love that about you.”

            Shepard sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know if I can… be what everyone needs.”

            Kaidan stood, then, walking around the table. He grabbed Shepard by the arm, lifting, until Shepard sighed and allowed him to maneuver him to the bed instead, where they sat next to each other.

            “Just be you,” Kaidan said quietly. “That’s all we need.”

            “And who am I?” Shepard asked, eyes too open and honest and Kaidan was out of his depth, but he couldn’t stop now. Not when Shepard needed him, needed him to lean on.

            Shepard once said no one saw him. They saw only Commander Shepard. But there was so much more to him than that, and Kaidan loved every part of it, part of him and his personality. Insecurities and all.

            “You’re Ryan Shepard,” Kaidan said. “You’re a great commander. You united the krogans and the turians. You brought peace to the Geth and the quarians.”

            Shepard seemed to be pulling away.

            “I’m not finished.”

            “Kaidan…”

            “No. Listen. I promise.”

            Shepard swallowed and nodded, expression uncertain as he looked at the ground. He had that lost, kicked puppy look on his face and it was an expression Kaidan wished he could wipe away and extinguish, because his commander should never look like that.

            “You brought peace. You save people. You’re the guiding light in this war.”

            Now he swallowed, struggling to find the appropriate words, how to comfort the commander without showing pity, because he knew Shepard hated pity.

            “But you’re also Ryan.”

            Shepard’s gaze flickered then, looking at him again.

            “You make too much ramen. You play a mean game of Go Fish. You put up with the doubts of your teammates without question, without judgment.” He took in a slow breath. “You’re also Ry. And I don’t know him very well yet, but I want to. I’m looking forward to our sanity check.”

            Shepard’s uncertainty was disappearing, being replaced with a touch of admiration, some soft emotion Kaidan couldn’t identify at the moment.

            “You’re all of these and more. And I love you.”

            _There. I said it._

            And he meant it. Meant every word.

            Shepard stared at him for a long moment. Kaidan nervously waited, struggling to keep himself from looking away because this was what Shepard needed right now. He needed someone to lean on, needed to know that Kaidan _saw him_ , that he loved him. That he believed in him.

            That he didn’t doubt him and never would again.

            And then Shepard was moving. He shifted closer to Kaidan and twisted all in one move, somehow managing to push the sentinel down onto the bed, resting on his back with the commander pinning him there, mouths pressed together in a kiss which might have looked simple and insignificant to passersby, but in reality meant everything.

            The kiss spoke of acceptance, gratitude, and most of all, _love_.

            It broke only when oxygen became an issue. Shepard collapsed on him, then, practically laying on top of him but it wasn’t uncomfortable. If anything it felt perfect and Kaidan lay there, absently bringing an arm up to curl around the slightly smaller body atop his. Shepard rested his forehead against Kaidan’s and Kaidan allowed his eyes to close, because this closeness was definitely something he wanted, something he never knew he wanted until now.

            “I love you, Ry,” he said quietly, this time unafraid of the consequences.

            He felt more than saw Shepard’s smile as lips brushed faintly against his own, the barest of touches and yet it meant everything.

            “I can’t say it yet,” Shepard said, and while that wasn’t what Kaidan wanted to hear, he could still hear that tone of voice, this time was able to identify the emotion behind it. “I feel the same,” Shepard continued quietly. “But I can’t… say it yet. Do you understand?”

            “I think so.” He might have been upset or offended before, but not now. Because he did know the truth, and he didn’t doubt the man. Not anymore, and never again.

            Shepard was never overly emotional. He didn’t seem the type to openly say ‘I love you’ to someone, but that was okay because words were meaningless.

            Actions, though.

            Actions were so much louder, so much clearer, than words.

            And Shepard’s actions screamed ‘I love you’, even if he couldn’t say it yet. Kaidan would wait patiently. Would wait until Shepard could vocally acknowledge what he felt, would wait until Shepard became more secure in their relationship.

            Waiting was hard, no doubt about that.

            But this…

            Waiting for this.

            It was worth it. More than worth it.

            _Greatest challenge of my life, waiting._

_But also the greatest reward._

 


End file.
